AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

What a ridiculous post! Do you think working parents get annual leave from their families?

There is no reason why women cannot work a couple of days a week even when the kids are young. However, they need a supportive partner and a career that pays relatively well to make it financially viable due to childcare costs. Yes this is a joint expenae but usually, the man earns more .....

Nobody cares and you're not doing anyone in society a favour above and beyond having kids to be the tax payers of the future. All of us who work and have kids do this too.

I also think you're super lucky to have the privilege of being at home with your kids. Most families can't afford this.

I think the reason why these threads go poorly on MN is because of the whole "I work much harder than when...." and "if I was a Nanny, Housekeeper " etc comments. If you were a housekeeper, nanny etc. you wouldn't be looking after your own children/household. You chose to have kids and you are lucky that you get to look after them. You don't need a clap from society too. Get a grip.

IRL, I don't volunteer my views. But, since you asked, here's my opinion - assuming children keep good health and their needs can be met in mainstream settings or suitable provision is available -

(1) the man with a job / SAHM model is outdated and terrible for gender equality

(2) I'd be extremely disappointed if my DC wanted to stay at home instead of working

(3) many unmarried SAHMs are extremely vulnerable financially

(4) hardly anyone of working age can fit all their responsibilities into 9am to 5pm

(5) I just can't get on board with the idea that being a SAHM is so demanding, constant mental load etc. It really isn't

(6) I wouldn't assume that you're unintelligent, but I would assume you lack ambition

I'm a SAHM, I absolutely love it. I couldn't care less what other people do tbh.

Me too, I'm a lone parent so I think OP is completely batshit.

And yet I think it would cost more with childcare for 2 DC if one parent worked part time rather than being a sahm. I have friends who couldn't stand being at home and chose to work pt even if it didn't make any sense financially. I chose to be a sahm because I think I'm the best person for them and I truly enjoy being around them.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

Those things don't go away because you're at work though. You still have to do all those things just in a shorter time frame. And you have your work load and the mental load associated with that too to manage.

Do people undervalue SAHMs? I think most people are well aware that looking after pre-schoolers is hard work. Your partner sounds like an idiot.

Yeah, no-one really cares what other people do, just about what they do themselves.

If being a SAHM works for your family and leaves you feeling fulfilled,it is of no consequence what anyone else thinks.

As a full time working parent, I wholeheartedly disagree that your day is harder than mine. My maternity leave with 2 babies and a 3 year old was full on, yes, but there was definitely down time during the day. Once back at work it was up at 4.30 to get ready, get the kids ready, out the door for 6, full day of work, home for 5.30 and then cook, eat, bathe the kids and bedtime. Once in bed, my DH and I would need to do housework, laundry, food shops etc, stuff i always managed during the "9-5" of maternity leaves so the days became so long. We'd watch an hour of TV if we were lucky then it was bed to do it all again.

BUT - as hard as it was (still is but less so now they are older) i wouldn't change it as i value my financial independence and love the autonomy that work gives me so thats the pay off.

I don’t really think it’s anyone else’s job in society to make you feel valued as a sahm. That comes from your DH and yourself.
It’s irrelevant and this constant need that sahm’s rant about needing to be validated and valued by society is unrealistic.
No one’s fawning over the shop workers or sewage workers either but their job has value to society.

When i think of a SAHP i am almost envious that they get time to clean the house/jobs that need doing eg cooking from scratch etc. ive always worked full time and live as a single parent as the other parent lives with us is no help. My house is usually a mess. I cook a lot of freezer foods. Never enough time. BUT when i was on maternity leave, i struggled by the end as i was bored at home every day! Now i have both jobs to do and its hardwork!

@arcticpandas but your kids are at home with you. I'm guessing the OP means her kids are at school while she's doing all of the chores which is different.

Edit: apologies I didn't see 'childcare' in the list so assume OP has a child at home all day as well.

I think the problem with it here is it's treated like a permanent title or profession "being a SAHM" rather than what it truly is which is taking a few years out to look after children.

I am an IT professional and I was a SAHM for about 4 years. I'm now an IT professional once again. I'm not forever this thing called "a SAHM."

The problem with discussions about stay at home parenting on MN is people treat it as though it's a forever state of being that you can't get back from.

"Id be extremely disappointed if my children want to stay at home instead of working" says a poster above. I would be delighted if my children grow up with the choice to take some time out to raise their children when they need but also have good careers. It's not either/or in my experience.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant,

I thought it might be a serious post until you put this OP. You need to think it through. When a working parent goes home at 5pm what do you think they do? They do the cooking, cleaning, mental load shit. 99.9% of parents don't have a shit load of staff, usually just nursery or school.

Confused. When working parents get home , they still have most of what you have listed to do. But with less time to do it in. As a working parent when dc were young, I didn’t see school runs, appointments, clubs, cleaning etc as ‘work’ , I saw it as how I was spending some of my leisure time.

I was a SAHM for a while and I found it a thousand times easier than being a working mum. I miss having all day to get things done at home and having control over my own time.

But you seem to be struggling and not enjoying being a SAHM, so maybe going back to work would be better for you?

It's not undervalued. If anything working mums are being belittled and undermined by this 'cost of a cleaner, nanny, chauffeur, cook' twaddle. Most working parents also do all that too.

Maybe instead of trying to fight other women over their choices we support each other. Stay at home or go to work, it doesn't matter- we're all doing our best.

I'm not sure if undervalued is the right word.
But agree with sone other posters.
I am a lone parent. My DCs are now teens but I have been on my own with them since the oldest was 2 and have always worked full time.
A lot of the things that you list (that all working parents do as well) can be done in the day. Getting on top of the washing, making dinner in advance, going to the shops, making and going to all of the appointments. Working parents are far less able to fit all of that in in the day as they are working so it all has to be squeezed into a precious few hours in the evening .

Not suggesting what you are doing is easy but we do all of that and more as well, whilst contributing to the wider society. Plus the travelling time to and from work presents additional stress too.

I also hugely second the view about this situation leaving you in an incredibly vulnerable financial position. I didn't thing for one second that my marriage wouldn't last but it ended and I was incredibly grateful that bar my mat leaves I was always in work.

If you feel strongly about what you said in your post then have you considered not being a stay at home mum? You'll also be contributing to your national insurance too.

I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave.

Do working parents clock out at 5pm?

In reality you should ‘clock off’ at 5/6 whatever time your husband finishes work because from that point on it’s a joint effort, not a solo job.
If your DH doesn’t do that, or doesn’t give you a day off then that’s your realise reason and you take it out on society not valuing the role of sahm’s but really your problem is that your husband doesn’t respect you.

You kind of lost me at Emotional Labour.

Just realised I missed mentioning the point of society not valuing the stay at home parent, particularly for people in my situation - as a parent of a sen child I am just not able to leave my child for the amount of time I would need to to be full time in the workplace, but there is zero recognition of this! I love being at home and available for my children but I do sometimes wish I could get out to work more, both for personal satisfaction and of course financial gain... In the same way as there is less recognition for familial carers of the elderly and the drain Thurs takes off the state and so society as a whole, I suppose.

Additionally, this might not be a popular opinion but I also think that if more families were able to have a close family member at home and available for their offspring all throughout their childhood - ie after school and during the holidays - there would be much better mental health in our teens and young adults... I am obviously well aware many people need to have all adult family members working for financial reasons but I don't think I'm alone in believing that this has a negative impact on MH and that it would be better overall for society if it wasn't necessary!

I think it would be harder (between the hours of 9-5) to be a SAHM if I had say 3 kids under 5. But if I was a SAHM with just one kid at home and another in school then it would definitely be easier than being in work. It totally depends on the situation.

also no working mum clocks off at 5 and comes home for a chill. All the chores you describe are awaiting them as well as their children

I think the lucky people are those who genuinely have a choice. Those who can afford to stay at home or work. Many people are forced to do either as finances dictate. If you're a SAHP by choice then you are fortunate (if not daft if you're not married and are not wealthy in your own right)

For some women SAH is harder than working

raises hand.

There are actually quite a few SAHMs round here; not sure why. I think possibly because it’s quite a rural farming community.