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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husbands demands

231 replies

lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:40

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 20/01/2025 21:43

In this case, they might be your adorable monkeys, but it is not your circus.

it is his problem to solve. He can find a babysitter. He offered the job to you, which is great, but you declined, which is your prerogative.

Penguinmouse · 20/01/2025 21:44

Given he makes your life difficult every other weekend by making you drive halfway, he hasn’t exactly endeared himself to any flexibility. He booked his wedding on a contact weekend, this is his contact time.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 20/01/2025 21:46

100% YANBU - if there wasn't the controlling backstory I'd probably lean towards making an exception, but he's the one who's got your back up and can now deal with the fall out.

Just be prepared for him to still try and 'control' the situation by deciding last minute not to have the kids that weekend and leaving you to scramble last minute finding a babysitter. I'd probably want one lined up just in case!

DorothyStorm · 20/01/2025 21:46

‘Sorry that doesn't wrok for me. Have a wonderful wedding day though.’

Kitkatcatflap · 20/01/2025 21:46

Absolutely go and enjoy your DH's birthday. Surely, there must a Grandparent, aunt that can look after kids for a few hours. Who is looking after his girlfriend's kids on the big day?

Bob02 · 20/01/2025 21:48

He needs to arrange his own childcare on his weekend.

Thelnebriati · 20/01/2025 21:51

If its not til August he's got plenty of time to book a babysitter and make alternative arrangements, instead of spending the next 6 months using his wedding as a stick to beat you with.
Classy guy!

Temporaryname158 · 20/01/2025 21:54

I’d feel in two minds. I’m not suggesting you cancel your event but if he makes a big deal about it do you have your parents or siblings or anyone who could pick them up?

he’s making it plain what a dick he is, id be worried he’d make the kids feel unwelcome or that they would be dumped with someone they don’t really know

Original poster
lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:55

Thank you for your replies. This makes me feel a bit better over matters. He will definitely use this as a stick to beat me with over the next 6 months. I highly doubt he won't have his children at his wedding day, but I will ask my parents to be available 'just in case'.
I owe him no favours and I wouldn't ask him for any either. If I need childcare on the 12 days out of 14 they're with me, I ask my family and not him. Wish he'd just crawl under a rock to be honest.

OP posts:
Twittable · 20/01/2025 21:56

Yep - that’s definitely not a you problem!

Time for him to sort himself out as it’s his weekend, I wouldn’t tell him about your plans though or he will definitely try to change his weekend. Just be a stuck record reminding him that it’s up to him to sort his own babysitter as you would do on your weekends if needed.

Thelnebriati · 20/01/2025 21:58

In your shoes I'd even consider going away for the weekend, just in case he's looking to be a victim on his big day. Post pics of your lovely holiday on social media, and don't be available.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/01/2025 22:25

Goodness, he really wants you to have to go to his wedding doesn't he? What a controlling prick. Definitely make back up arrangements because he's going to make your weekend away really bloody difficult for you. I hope his new wife is watching and learning 🙄

WearyAuldWumman · 20/01/2025 22:29

Ponderingwindow · 20/01/2025 21:43

In this case, they might be your adorable monkeys, but it is not your circus.

it is his problem to solve. He can find a babysitter. He offered the job to you, which is great, but you declined, which is your prerogative.

Yup.

When my nephew married, he and his fiancée paid for a nanny to be there for the full day and evening.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 20/01/2025 22:36

Why are you even entering into a discussion over this

Do XYZ.

No.

And you never answer him again

ThejoyofNC · 20/01/2025 22:41

Why is it your job to facilitate his contact, when he's the one who moved away? Use this as a turning point, tell him you won't be doing that and you won't be meeting him halfway with the kids anymore either.

lizzyBennet08 · 20/01/2025 22:45

Tell him unfortunately you're not in a position to help him out for this wedding but you promise to help for the next one DaffodilGrin

CheekyHobson · 20/01/2025 22:47

No way under the sun would I do this. Can totally imagine my controlling ex trying to pull something similar.

I would consider my ability to cheerfully say “No, sorry I already have important plans that I don’t want to change” to be one of the many rewards of divorcing the controlling fucker.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 00:07

lizzyBennet08 · 20/01/2025 22:45

Tell him unfortunately you're not in a position to help him out for this wedding but you promise to help for the next one DaffodilGrin

🤣👏👏

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 00:54

Nope. His days, his problem. Why can’t the kids stay at the wedding and go home with grandparents/aunts, etc? Or if it’s a hotel, in with family members? Kids usually love a wedding, getting to run about nuts and stay up late, eat loads of food and drink lots of fizzy juice. I’m sure extended family can watch them. Also, if it’s not court ordered, stop driving the kids for his contact. He can pick them up. You’re making them availale for contact so he has to make the effort to collect them. He moved so again, that’s the consequences of his life choices. And learn the grey rock method. He’s a dickhead.

Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 01:19

Nope. ‘It’s a shame you want to send the kids home on your weekend, I’m not available that weekend. Also, I can no longer meet you halfway for dropping them off, you’ll have to collect them this weekend.’

it all sounds like it’s been going on long enough that if he doesn’t bother seeing them that’s on him.

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 06:48

@TipsyJoker @Ponderingwindow
I genuinely hate the whole meeting half way to drop off but I've been doing it to try keep the peace and not upset my children. It's not court ordered. But if I don't do it, he will refuse to see the kids until I back down. And is it really worth the mental anguish? I think 'take me to court then'. I know that mediation would be expected first but I don't want to spend my money on mediation with a man who won't agree to anything unless it's his idea. If it went to court, what if the judge demands I drive them half way or even worse, the full way (90 mins round trip). Appreciate this is going off topic but Any advice on this would be welcome.
Thanks

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:28

@lespameo The parent who moved is the one who does the travelling. You've been extremely generous meeting him halfway. The court would agree. I know what it's like dealing with these absolute buffoons who thinks the world revolves around them. I presume he'd punish the kids if you put your foot down?

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:31

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

Edited

OP is dealing with a controlling narcissist on his 3rd wedding that he is insisting she attends to collect their children despite it not being her weekend and because she's made plans. It's his responsibility to organise childcare on his time, not hers.

It's not about being unkind, it's about maintaining boundaries around a man who is fixated on making OP's life difficult. He's already got her driving half way to contact despite him moving. You cannot reason with men like this.

Starseeking · 21/01/2025 07:33

Just reply "I'm not available that weekend".

Copy and paste the same message until it sinks in.