Ex husbands demands

[lespameo]

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

I do think this is a very valid point of view. I started selectively telling ‘my side’ of the story when they got a bit older, because one in particular was being gaslit the same way that I was and they didn’t know whether they were coming or going. Fine line between not badmouthing and not equipping them to recognise poor behaviour when they see it.

As it’s months away and they don’t spend chunks of time with him, will they miss out much? Will they be that bothered?
Interested to know how he will ‘sell’ this idea to his family and friends? Oh the kids couldn’t come because it’s my weekend with them and my vile ex who cares for them 12 days out of 14, who is already doing something important, can’t he be bothered on her free weekend to do a long drive to pick them up on my say so?

I think you need to reframe your thinking into why you feel so guilty about contact with your DC’s dad. I appreciate that you are thinking of your DC and their feelings but, but!

He chose to live 45 minutes away
He chose to only see them twice monthly
He chose to live permanently with his step DC
He uses coercion to railroad into doing what he wants
He is actually emotionally abusing your DC (Xmas and not allowing the to call you).
He won’t compromise EVER
On his contact weekends he will impeach upon YOUR time, by making you drive half way. By demanding you collect your DC at his wedding.

I think that you need to contact Women’s aid and rights of women.

I think apply for a court order and like PP download a court approved App for communication.

It would be interesting to know what his third wifey soon to be ex number 4 at some point, is doing with her DC on their wedding day.

100% not your issue. Perhaps if he wasn’t so difficult and didn’t give you plenty of notice you might be a bit more accommodating.

Honestly OP take it from me who has been there, saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could. If you need to reply do not get emotional or personal it plays straight into his hands be factual and concise none of this crap of well you moved away - he wants to provoke you, you hold the power here not him. To that text I would merely send a thumbs up response and repeat as needed. I am ten years on and my DC are young adults we are exceptionally close and they barely see their Dad, his loss!

Just reply “noted”. I would be involving myself with his nonsense.

It isn't and the fact he expected you to not plan anything on that date and also mind read that you'd need to be on call to pick up the kids is ludicrous! Did he think you'd be so bereft that he's gettting remarried that you'd be bedbound weeping into a hanky for the whole weekend 😆What a wanker!

If he doesn't want his kids at his wedding for whatever reason, that "is his news to tell".. so let him.
Get the app, get the court order... and don't protect the kids too much from this apology of a father.. they all work it out in the end anyway.
And stop driving halfway!

This ⬆️
Some great come backs from pp but the reality is it's best not to get involved. You respond now and it's months of back and forth stupidness with him.
@PeggyMitchellsCameo obviously he'll lie to his family and friends about it, men like this can't tell the truth to save their lives!

The problem with this man Is he assumes (which he did with the wedding day ) he could have sent you a txt hey planning booking wedding for such and such date would you be ok with such and such plans but no …..
He assumes you have no plans or that it’s your job to change yours. .
You have the responsibility of bringing the kids up alone and or juggling everything . His input is ment to take pressure away from you and let him parent some of the time.
He is putting more on you .

I agree do not drive the kids this weekend .
When he asks why say he will have to make other arrangements moving forward.
This isn’t you letting the kids down this is him.
He moved away so it’s on him to do the travel .

He also has to make plans for the kids for his wedding day .
Tbh I’d let your dd know now she wasn’t attending and why .

Your childcare arrangements during your contact time are not my responsibility. You have until August to find someone to look after your children. If you can't or won't (because you are a wanker and want to demonstrate you are in control) then you can let the children know that they wont be able to attend your wedding.

I suppose you could let the DC go to the wedding and then not turn up to collect them - BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WOULD NOT! Although this could be distressing for the DC and awkward when, presumably, all the adults around will have been drinking.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo my partner despises him and thinks he's a complete weirdo. Doesn't understand how a man can go 12 days without even speaking to his children let alone not seeing them. He doesn't get involved with him directly, stays totally out of it, and up until now has encouraged me to keep the peace for the sake of the children. Not sure what he will think after today's developments!

@Octopies haha this made me laugh out loud!!
I'm heartbroken to be honest. Bereft doesn't cover it!! 😂😂

I sent the following response:

I like how your solution is to just not have them at your wedding.
I won't be explaining anything to the kids as your wedding is of no interest to me. It’s your responsibility to tell them. End of conversation.

I then received this back:

We don’t want that to be the solution but you have left us with no choice.

You can tell the twins that you can’t pick them up from the wedding because you’d rather go to a gig.

See you at 6pm usual spot.

What a cunt. The fact he's said "because you'd rather go to a gig" means he's done this on purpose to ruin your plans. I would refer the kids back to him. If you give into this it will be the tip of the iceberg. The problem you've got now is that if you don't drive to the "usual spot", it's going to look like tit for tat. So I'd do it one last time tell him that's the last time you're doing it and that you will be seeking a CAO so that everybody knows where they stand and can make plans around the order. Then do not engage any further. Your only way out of this is court IMO.

Next time don't tell him why you can't do what he wants.
I'd just reply and say "you didn't communicate the date to me just the month and you didn't tell me that you needed childcare. I don't second guess your arrangements and you shouldn't second guess mine."

Brilliant, he hasn't left them with any choice not you! He has months to sort out an alternative, he's just doing it to be a prick. I feel for you op x

Yeah, this guy is a proper cf. Get the court stuff in place, including for messages. Some great advice on ghe thread about how to communicate with him and act moving forward.

Id drive to the meeting spot and would say ok to that on this occasion only for the risk of seeming to be acting tit for tat.

To the other stuff I’d just say “no, I won’t be telling them. You can tell them whatever you think is appropriate”.

Id be especially annoyed he is now giving it the “we” business. It’s to try and bully you more.

He is despicable.

Yeah they love the "we" thing. It's so tiresome. How the poor cow he's marrying thinks any of this is ok is beyond me. She'll be next!

I'd be so tempted to say to him "I think it's best for all if we have a court order to avoid situations like this in the future. Then you'll know where you are with contact and can arrange your weddings accordingly".

Don't say that. I'm just being a petty bitch 🥰

go and pick them up, wearing a lovely long white dress

Grey rock has been the best thing I've ever done. I never explain anything, I answer (relevant) questions in the briefest manner possible, and I don't reply at all to statements. All contact requests go through a calendar, so I just accept or reject (he won't honour a timetable)

For the future, stop expanding on your answers. 'No' is a complete sentence.

And don't make excuses or pad his behaviours for your children. I'm lucky, my ex had shown himself to not be bothered before we split, so the kids don't care about seeing him, but in your case, you protecting them from his disappointing behaviour isn't fair on them or you.

I wouldn’t go though . Would I hell !

Manipulative arsehole. .

OP has to jump when he says jump.
Reading his commmets I could hear the twat smirk . He knows he has her where he what’s her. He isn’t taking any of it seriously. .
Why should he . Well he need to start and that is today.

Op should reply oh I won’t be there today or any future weekends .
The kids will be collected form their home or school moving forward .