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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husbands demands

231 replies

lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:40

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
lespameo · 26/01/2025 20:58

@Whyherewego aunty is on holiday! My mum has told me that she will go collect them from the wedding if needed just to keep the peace and so that I don't have to have the stress of it all (but I won't be suggesting that to him any time soon. He needs to find a solution using his own family/friends, not mine)!

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 21:02

He was always going to pull this crap though. Just tell your dc that daddy has plenty of time to organise for someone on his side to look after them, and you're confused why he's blaming you as you told him you weren't free that evening.

alotgoingonrightnow · 26/01/2025 21:08

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 21:02

He was always going to pull this crap though. Just tell your dc that daddy has plenty of time to organise for someone on his side to look after them, and you're confused why he's blaming you as you told him you weren't free that evening.

Exactly this. Do not step in to solve it for him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/01/2025 21:10

@lespameo sorry OP but this is what he was always going to do .
I think you rip the plaster of now. Sit the kids down and explain it as best you can for their age. .
They will get over it.

Now contact a solicitor Monday morning .
Then message him and say you will no longer e be doing any running around for him and it’s his responsibility to pick up from school Friday and drop back on Monday morning.
If he disagrees say you will see him in court .

Stay strong and stand up for yourself. .

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 21:14

Exactly @alotgoingonrightnow it's daddy's wedding and daddy's weekend, mummy can't make decisions for him can she? I'm sure daddy will sort it out etc.
Just keep playing dumb with them op, keep it light. The problem here is that he absolutely is prepared to hurt his kids to win, whereas you aren't and that's why he has you where he wants you. I feel for you op x

Original poster
lespameo · 26/01/2025 21:15

@WoolySnail that's exactly what I said to them xx

OP posts:
Bob02 · 26/01/2025 21:20

He has till August to arrange childcare for his children, on his weekend, for his wedding.

This isn't about anything but power and control. He's upsetting his own kids on order to manipulate you. The thing is if upsetting them works in order to assert control over you he will do that because it works for him.

I would tell the kids that you are sorry that they are upset. Daddy has a long time to sort out someone to look after them after the wedding. You can't pick them up because you have plans and aunty is away. Your sure daddy will find a solution.

I think you need to be clear that it's not your problem to find a solution to. I'd also make it clear that you'll reconsider contact altogether if he continues to try to manipulate you via the children.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 26/01/2025 21:39

lespameo · 26/01/2025 20:58

@Whyherewego aunty is on holiday! My mum has told me that she will go collect them from the wedding if needed just to keep the peace and so that I don't have to have the stress of it all (but I won't be suggesting that to him any time soon. He needs to find a solution using his own family/friends, not mine)!

Don't.
You just tell the kids.

Well it's Daddy's time and you'll just have to have lots and lots of fun at His party.
You can just stay with him.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 26/01/2025 21:40

They may be sad.
But I'd say two things are important.
He doesn't win.
The children need to understand that women are subservient and that no one is entitled to your mental of physical sacrifice.
Even them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2025 21:48

@lespameo Fucking hell. He's raging because you're not being the subservient little woman any longer. He'd rather hurt his children. Stick to your guns here. Can you imagine him having to explain to guests at the wedding why his children aren't there?

He needs to sort it out himself and how you've handled it with the kids is exactly right. Keep on the "silly daddy" line. You've got to get that CAO.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 26/01/2025 21:48

I'd be honest with the dc. Tell them you're away so can't help Daddy out, it's his weekend so he should be able to arrange something.

This would be a hill I'd choose to die on, if you cave he'll continue to use the dc to get his own way. Everything will always be the next 'most important thing' so don't think it's a one off because it's his wedding.

Scammersarescum · 26/01/2025 21:54

You really need to take a step back from facilitating contact. No halfway meets, no picking up the pieces for him.

It's in your kids best interests to have zero contact with this man.hes only still seeing them to punish you. Look how he's willing to hurt and manipulate his own kids to punish you. If you minimise your involvement, he will lose interest in them.

Yes they may be upset at first about no longer seeing Daddy. But they'll benefit hugely in the long term from not being involved with a narcissist. It's not always in the kids best interests to see both parents.

Of course it would mean no break at all for you though, which is shite.

RandomMess · 26/01/2025 21:55

You just say it's Daddy's weekend and all their family is at the wedding so I'm sure Daddy will sort something out.

Penguinmouse · 26/01/2025 22:09

What an absolute arsehole he is. Stop meeting him halfway for visits. He deserves nothing from you.

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 22:14

Scammersarescum · 26/01/2025 21:54

You really need to take a step back from facilitating contact. No halfway meets, no picking up the pieces for him.

It's in your kids best interests to have zero contact with this man.hes only still seeing them to punish you. Look how he's willing to hurt and manipulate his own kids to punish you. If you minimise your involvement, he will lose interest in them.

Yes they may be upset at first about no longer seeing Daddy. But they'll benefit hugely in the long term from not being involved with a narcissist. It's not always in the kids best interests to see both parents.

Of course it would mean no break at all for you though, which is shite.

This ⬆️
I'm 100% sure op would prefer no break than for her poor dc to have to deal with this utter turd x

Tomatocutwithazigzagedge · 26/01/2025 23:00

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 21:14

Exactly @alotgoingonrightnow it's daddy's wedding and daddy's weekend, mummy can't make decisions for him can she? I'm sure daddy will sort it out etc.
Just keep playing dumb with them op, keep it light. The problem here is that he absolutely is prepared to hurt his kids to win, whereas you aren't and that's why he has you where he wants you. I feel for you op x

Exactly this. My ex was an absolute expert at arranging his own selfish needs, expecting me to pick up the pieces and dragging my DS into the situation.

Uggh! What a sad, sad twat of a man, manipulating his own childrens emotions to get what he wants.

I learnt not to take on the guilt, and certainly not to apologise from my side under any circumstances....

"I'm sorry that Daddy's conversation has upset you. He should not be discussing grown up arrangements with you, his time with you is for you to have fun. It's his job to organise the wedding and weekend, and not mums."

I'm almost feeling like there's some sick need he has to have you turn up to try to rub his new bride and new happy family in your face op.

heddy007 · 26/01/2025 23:08

I think you need to get in first and sit your children down and explain to them … mummy would love for you to go to daddy’s wedding and be a part of his and SM’s big day and as it’s daddy’s weekend it’s going to be amazing that you can spend the time with them as if it was mummys weekend they wouldn’t have been able to go… as when grown ups make decisions they really need to stick to them so as it’s daddy’s weekend he may need to find a sitter / family member for 1 of those nights but he may let you stay with him and SM … just ask daddy when u next see him which of those he is going to choose but mummy’s plans are already sorted for that weekend so she will be waiting as always for you on your return with a great big hug… just keep reminding them this is not your choice it’s daddy’s

WoolySnail · 26/01/2025 23:10

Tomatocutwithazigzagedge · 26/01/2025 23:00

Exactly this. My ex was an absolute expert at arranging his own selfish needs, expecting me to pick up the pieces and dragging my DS into the situation.

Uggh! What a sad, sad twat of a man, manipulating his own childrens emotions to get what he wants.

I learnt not to take on the guilt, and certainly not to apologise from my side under any circumstances....

"I'm sorry that Daddy's conversation has upset you. He should not be discussing grown up arrangements with you, his time with you is for you to have fun. It's his job to organise the wedding and weekend, and not mums."

I'm almost feeling like there's some sick need he has to have you turn up to try to rub his new bride and new happy family in your face op.

Show quote history

You are so right Tomatocutwithazigzagedge x

JustAnotherManicMomday · 26/01/2025 23:15

Politely decline, tell him, he choose to get married on his weekend. You thought this was so his children could be a part of the whole day the same way you would plan yours. Then tell him he may have forgot but that date is also your partners birthday which means you made plans that cannot change. So unless he is the type of parent to drop his plans when ever you need him to pick up the kids for an evening say no. If his actually refused to help you out before even better to call him out on it. His responsible for the kids on that date and therefore he sorts his own childcare the same way you do on your days.

AllFurCoatAndFrillyKnickers · 26/01/2025 23:19

lizzyBennet08 · 20/01/2025 22:45

Tell him unfortunately you're not in a position to help him out for this wedding but you promise to help for the next one DaffodilGrin

Brilliant response 😂

Ellie56 · 26/01/2025 23:27

What a prize twat he is. Please don't cave OP or he will use the kids against you for evermore. This is all about controlling you, and he doesn't care if he upsets the kids to do it.

As PP have already suggested, tell the kids you're sorry they are upset, but as it is Daddy's weekend, it is Daddy's job to sort out the arrangements, not Mummy's. If there is a problem Daddy needs to sort it out. You've already told Daddy you're not free that weekend because you have made plans knowing it was his weekend.

I'm sure Daddy will sort it out. All his family will be at the wedding, so I'm sure one of them can help out. Ad infinitum.

Going forward getting a court order and communicating only the bare minimum through a court approved app sounds like a good idea.

AllFurCoatAndFrillyKnickers · 26/01/2025 23:29

Confusedasusual46 · 24/01/2025 00:07

I would defo pick them up. It’s hos wedding day for goodness sake. Yes he is annoying and controlling but on his wedding day I’d make a once in a lifetime or four times in a lifetime exception to be totally honest

More fool you if you did this.
He can organise childcare from family, nanny or babysitter.

Whyherewego · 27/01/2025 07:10

lespameo · 26/01/2025 20:58

@Whyherewego aunty is on holiday! My mum has told me that she will go collect them from the wedding if needed just to keep the peace and so that I don't have to have the stress of it all (but I won't be suggesting that to him any time soon. He needs to find a solution using his own family/friends, not mine)!

Ah righto. Well I was trying to respond to whether you want to facilitate the wedding arrangements for your kid's sake.
I have to confess I'm torn. I so want to stick 2 fingers up but I recognise he's also poisoning the children

Octopies · 27/01/2025 10:26

Why can't ex FIL look after them for the night? It speaks volumes that your ex doesn't have any family or friends he can ask for help!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 27/01/2025 18:41

Agree with the position “Daddy arranged his wedding on his weekend to be with you so you could be involved. I’m sure daddy will sort it out with his family if he wants to stay late at the party and not take you home himself. I’m sure he’ll tell you before hand who it’ll be. Don’t worry, daddy’s got ages to sort it out.”