Ex husbands demands

[lespameo]

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

She can't pick the children up because she's got a weekend away and tickets booked for a concert. The ex has chosen his weekend for his wedding so it's down to him to sort out childcare. Instead, he's trying to control OP's plans on the day of his third wedding.

You just keep replying “I’m simply unavailable that weekend, that’s just a factual statement nothing more. I am sure you and the kids will enjoy the wedding weekend and I look forward to hearing all about it from the kids in due course.”

She'll be his third wife and if she can't see a red flag when it's waving in her face....🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh OP, I wish you’d not sent this! By suggesting a family member, you got involved with solving his problem, it encourages conversation about it and gives you both the impression this is your problem to help solve as well.

it is not your problem to solve.

a breezy “sounds a tricky one if your family won’t be prepared to help out. I’m not available as I’ve got plans that can’t be moved. I’m sure you and [his new wife] will be able to sort something.”

(the obvious answer is whoever is going to pick up her DDs also pick up his dcs. But don’t suggest that, let them think of it.)

for the transport, do you really think he won’t see them if you don’t meet him half way? What a shit dad, personally I’d go the other way with drop offs/pick ups, say you’ll collect them from him and do the full drive back, but he had to do the full drive to collect from you.

WTF? No! Bloody hell.

Yanbu. I would expain you would help him out if you werr available but you are not. It is his problem to solve.

He can try and make you feel bad about it but you know the truth you accommodate him with the driving and he would not do the same for you. Anytime he suggests he would help you tell yourself "no he would not" and not give it anymore thought or engagement.

This man is still controlling you even though you are not married to him.
Why are you letting him dictate that you have to drive halfway for him to see his children?
What does your DH think of this arrangement? I know mine would be pissed off if my Ex was still controlling my life.
You need to put some boundaries in place.

Give him notice and tell him that after a certain date your schedule has changed and you won't be taking the children halfway. Tell him that your decision is final and not up for debate or discussion. If he chooses not to pick them up, that's on him

Like others have said, tell him your plans on his wedding day are final but wish him the best.

Bless you, I'd wish a lot worse than that for him to be honest. x

I was you years ago. My sons are now 30 and 32. Hang in there, it gets so much easier when they turn 18 and he has to communicate directly with them. They are 10 and will see and absorb everything. They know who is the one who sorts everything and provides safety and stability. One day they will tell you how grateful they are for that. It is an absolute pain dealing with a controlling narcissist. My exhusband decided not to collect them everytime a flake of snow fell. He let us down one half term Amsterdam trip and became 'ill' when we were due to go on honeymoon. My parents knew what he was and always stepped up. I learned to always have a back up plan so I never needed to give the reaction he wanted and still got to live my life. He announced , when the oldest son was approaching 18 and University, that he didn't have to contribute anything to this and wasn't going to. My second husband sat them down and said that they would be going and we would pay the lot, if their dad refused to. It took the power away, made ex look like an absolute shit and he ended up paying half. Good luck. You only have 8 more years to go

Thanks for all the messages of support and advice. I know what I need to do and this morning I received this message which has reaffirmed what I need to do!!!

For context, I haven't had any further discussion with him over the matter (since Monday/tuesday). Then I got this out of the blue.

I actually laughed out loud. Going to consider my response over the course of the day but ultimately I will be refusing to drive them at 6pm tonight which means he won't see the children this weekend (and they'll be devastated). But enough is enough. I need to stop this behaviour once and for all.

Also, to clarify... I only knew the wedding was in august, not the specific date. Also, why is it my 9 year olds responsibility to tell me?!

Your ex sounds like someone I know. Try to reframe your mind, you are not there to facilitate his relationship with his kids but you will make them available EOW, to be collected and dropped back at your house. If he doesn't see them, that's his choice. You've attempted mediation and he refuses to compromise so his next step for contact is a court order. You need to get tougher and realise no is a full sentence. I wouldn't even reply to his last message acknowledging the wedding. Just say 'I've now decided that I am no longer meeting halfway, you made the choice to move'. And then ignore every attempt at control.

My reply would be "yes i can let them know they cant attend as you are unable to find childcare and honeymoon in the morning"

Or just "ok"

My thoughts too. Sadly sounds like he’ll delight in trashing OPs plans if he knows that’s a possibility. Best to have a back up.

I’d say ‘good luck to you explaining to your nearest and dearest that your own children aren’t at your wedding because you couldn’t be arsed to arrange someone to look after them. I’d hope for <fiancées names> benefit at least that you realise by now I’m not your wife. You’ve presumably organised a ceremony, a cake, a band/kd
, a reception, a honeymoon, your guests will be seeing all that around them and think ‘but making some arrangements for his children was just too hard?’

Entitled prick. Even if you had known the exact date months ago, it's still not your responsibility to be on hand to ferry the kids about at his demand.

What an arsehole.

I have never said a bad word about my ex, their dad, to my now adult DC. In hindsight I should have been a bit clearer, I feel I covered up his shit-ness so they didn’t have to be confronted with it or feel in the middle. But looking back I’m not sure if I have accidentally gaslit them about his true nature.

I wish you loads of luck OP.

Not that you should have to but can you contact exmil and ask her suggestions? He needs calling out to someone..

What an absolute prick. He has his kids 2 days out of 14. I’m sure someone who has experience in this kind of bullshit will be able to give you a kick ass response to send. Or maybe no response is better.

Good luck OP.

The controlling fuck

What an absolute piece of shit he is. It's his responsibility to tell the children they can't attend the wedding, not yours. It's not up to a small child to communicate dates. This "huge event" that he's done 3 times has no bearing on your right to make plans on contact weekends. Yes it's time to put your foot down and stand up to him.

I'd be seeking a CAO and taking all the control away from him. You can do it yourself and represent yourself. My ex applied because he wanted to control everything. He looked all sad in court and made a big thing about contact days and what he wanted (which he already had!) which suited me and was put in an order. When I got home from court, I had an email from him cancelling the contact arrangements for the entire summer as he was going away with OW. Priceless. So I'd be telling him you wish to formalise arrangements now and I'd also download a court approved app for communication as this can be submitted if necessary.

What a self important dickhead! I like how is solution is to just not have them at his wedding rather than pay for a babysitter like a normal person 😆I'd tell him I won't be explaining anything to the kids as his wedding is of no interest to me

Oh my god he is insufferable! What a total and utter dick.

You really really need to stop communicating with this person using any words that contain emotion. Factual, neutral, unbending:

OK, let the twins know the arrangement the next time you see them, ie that you can’t do contact that weekend and that they will be with my family for the wedding weekend. As mentioned, I’m unavailable.

You know what, I quite like this. You could go into detail about the whys and wherefores, but all that will do is feed into the drama.

I reckon he's using the dc's disappointment, and you having to deliver the message, as a way to get you to do what he wants. I suspect if you send the above, and he realises that hasn't worked he'll find a way to accommodate the dc.

It’s important you don’t agree to tell the kids they are missing out. That’s his job. If they ask about it, you just say, ring your dad, he can explain his plans.

Be prepared for him to feed them nonsense about you being obstructive. At 10 they are not far off from being able to see the nonsense for what it is themselves. You won’t even need to badmouth him!

Well isn’t he a delight? Clearly he’s so happy about getting married that he’s sending controlling, passive aggressive messages like this.
If I was marrying this man and read that I’d be concerned. What he did to you, he did to her and not your problem.
He’s on his third marriage. Why does he need to go on honeymoon the next day?!
If he was a decent ex, cordial, and did his bit you could work with him on it but he doesn’t give you anything. Not a tiny bit of appreciation for taking care of his kids.
What does your partner think OP?