Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husbands demands

231 replies

lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:40

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 21/01/2025 13:05

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:50

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours this is the message I got from him when I suggested a family member...

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

Absolutely nothing you’ve said has indicated he would do the same for me. I would reply saying “you don’t even drive the full way to see your children once a fortnight so no, I don’t think you’d do the same. This is your problem to sort for booking a wedding on a contact weekend. You are childfree 12 out of 14 days, so no, I won’t be changing my plans.”

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 13:17

@Penguinmouse he absolutely wouldn't do anything to help me out and nor would I ever ask him! I laughed out loud when I read the message.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 13:30

@Snoopdoggydog123 That was exactly the case for me in terms of travelling and others I know who have obtained a CAO. I'm willing to accept that might have changed but it's not how the judge saw it in my case.

OP, mediation is not advised in situations like yours. My ex just didn't turn up so that was the end of that. I'd personally be looking to formalise things to stop his control of you and your life.

Whyherewego · 21/01/2025 13:30

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:50

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours this is the message I got from him when I suggested a family member...

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

Just reply and say " yes, I understand and under different circumstances I would have helped. However unfortunately I have prior plans that weekend which cannot be altered so I simply cannot help on this. "

lto2019 · 21/01/2025 13:31

I would say no, we have none refundable tickets booked before you informed us of the wedding date. You will need to ask someone else . If he pecks on about it - the next messages would be a cut and paste of the above.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 21/01/2025 13:32

Your reply should have simply been yes....

thepariscrimefiles · 21/01/2025 13:51

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

Edited

OP's ex-DH was a controlling arsehole when she was married to him and still is now they are divorced.

He is the one that moved away but he makes OP drive half way every other weekend. She does this because otherwise he wouldn't bother seeing his own children.

She has no reason to be kind as he hasn't ever done a kind thing for her. She has a prior engagement on his weekend to have the kids.

Horses7 · 21/01/2025 13:53

Don’t do it!!

jollygoose · 21/01/2025 14:14

I loved the answer one poster made which wad "I promise to help with the next one," brilliant.

sheldonRockz · 21/01/2025 14:33

lespameo · 21/01/2025 13:17

@Penguinmouse he absolutely wouldn't do anything to help me out and nor would I ever ask him! I laughed out loud when I read the message.

@lespameo The petty in me would be rounding up all the receipts from when he’s refused to help me out. Then I’d be and saying “help you out? Like when you helped me out when x,y,z” and list all the times he refused to help.

Audacity of some of the deadbeat pricks

backawayfatty1 · 21/01/2025 15:01

No chance I would do it!

I habe 2 step sons who love with us 50/50 & 1 DD. I planned my wedding around them being present. We arranged childcare for our wedding eve by asking granny. No, we would never have asked other parents to "take them".

He sounds like an absolute twat

MozartsMeatballs · 21/01/2025 18:39

NO! You are definitely not BU. He sounds very, very much like my controlling abusive ExH (who left for the OW 12yrs ago but still expects me to prioritise his wants and needs).

They are so good at behaving like an a-hole and then making you feel like the unreasonable one to the point where you are literally questioning whether you're being a total knob.

I actually stood up to my ExH today, over him (yet again) unilaterally changing his contact days and having our 12yo deliver the message. I've always tried to avoid conflict because I didn't think it was good for the children. Now I think that letting him treat their mother like a doormat is not good for the children.

After a 'toddler tantrum' earlier today, I've heard nothing, and DD3 came home as planned (rather than attend a freezing training session with him and DD2 - presumably because he didn't want to go on his own)

POTC · 21/01/2025 19:04

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 13:30

@Snoopdoggydog123 That was exactly the case for me in terms of travelling and others I know who have obtained a CAO. I'm willing to accept that might have changed but it's not how the judge saw it in my case.

OP, mediation is not advised in situations like yours. My ex just didn't turn up so that was the end of that. I'd personally be looking to formalise things to stop his control of you and your life.

20 years ago after being awarded full custody of my youngest brother (who was 10 at the time and my mum had walked out when he was 3), my dad was ordered to drive halfway for drop off/pick up fortnightly. That meant 1.5-2 hours just to get to the meeting point, the same back again, then repeat it all again on the Sunday. Courts ordering meeting halfway even when the absent parent is the one who chose to move isn't a new thing.

andthat · 21/01/2025 19:08

Assert those boundaries @lespameo!

’Would have loved to help but have a prior engagement…have a great day!’

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2025 19:30

If I could vote I’d vote YABU - but only in that you're having a ‘discussion’ with him about this event, and that you're doing the drop offs / pick ups every time. He’s still controlling you.
Your next (and last) message on this matter should be as follows:
”Dear ex, as you are getting married on your designated weekend, you will have to organise childcare for DC with your own family. In addition, I will no longer be dropping the DC off for your contact days. You will need to arrange to pick up your DC at 6pm on Friday and I will collect them at 4pm on Sunday. There will be no further discussion on either of these issues.”

GrandmotherStillLearning · 21/01/2025 19:35

DorothyStorm · 20/01/2025 21:46

‘Sorry that doesn't wrok for me. Have a wonderful wedding day though.’

This

A simple :
No. I am sure their family on your side can help. I've made plans.

loveawineloveacrisp · 21/01/2025 19:48

user1492757084 · 21/01/2025 07:21

It's okay for him to ask. It is his wedding day and it was a way that he could inform you of that too.

You could wish him a Very Happy Wedding Day but say that unfortunately you have made plans that you don't wish to change.
Suggest he asks his parents or siblings to take the kids home with them.
Be helpful in picking the kids up, just this once, if you can on the Sunday. - meet granny half way or something.

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day. Make sure the kids have a card for him and SM.

Edited

Are you the ExH?

Op, I've been there with the controlling. Stop letting him continue to interfere in your life. The only way to deal with these pricks is by grey rocking them.

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2025 19:49

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:50

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours this is the message I got from him when I suggested a family member...

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

I'd go with - I am not avaliable that weekend.
And keep replying that whenever he brings it up

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 20:21

@POTC I'm not saying they are a new thing . I was saying in my experience (and long drawn out proceedings in court), that is what happened to me. Ex had to collect and drop. Similar for my handful of friends in the same situation. That was all.

Elsvieta · 21/01/2025 20:37

Tell him you'll do whatever he wants for his next wedding, and in the meantime he's got eight months to work this out. Don't let him get to you.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 21:58

MozartsMeatballs · 21/01/2025 18:39

NO! You are definitely not BU. He sounds very, very much like my controlling abusive ExH (who left for the OW 12yrs ago but still expects me to prioritise his wants and needs).

They are so good at behaving like an a-hole and then making you feel like the unreasonable one to the point where you are literally questioning whether you're being a total knob.

I actually stood up to my ExH today, over him (yet again) unilaterally changing his contact days and having our 12yo deliver the message. I've always tried to avoid conflict because I didn't think it was good for the children. Now I think that letting him treat their mother like a doormat is not good for the children.

After a 'toddler tantrum' earlier today, I've heard nothing, and DD3 came home as planned (rather than attend a freezing training session with him and DD2 - presumably because he didn't want to go on his own)

Well done 👍

Confusedasusual46 · 24/01/2025 00:07

I would defo pick them up. It’s hos wedding day for goodness sake. Yes he is annoying and controlling but on his wedding day I’d make a once in a lifetime or four times in a lifetime exception to be totally honest

Welshmonster · 24/01/2025 00:20

It’s his problem. Not yours. As they get older they will start to see him as the selfish person he is.
you have tickets and that’s the end of discussion. I bet he wants them at the wedding for photos and show everyone what a good dad he is. Then he’s dumping them.

he should have checked it was ok before he booked the wedding.

my dad was supposed to pick me up and wasn’t going to. My mum made him tell me as she was fed up of being the bearer of bad news. Say you aren’t driving the kids anymore and it’s up to him.

Cakeorchocolate · 24/01/2025 00:21

Confusedasusual46 · 24/01/2025 00:07

I would defo pick them up. It’s hos wedding day for goodness sake. Yes he is annoying and controlling but on his wedding day I’d make a once in a lifetime or four times in a lifetime exception to be totally honest

Well more fool you. She has plans on her weekend without her kids. His problem to sort childcare if he doesn't want his children to be there for the whole event he planned on his weekend with them.

WellsAndThistles · 24/01/2025 00:24

Make a fist, extend middle finger, job done. Tell him to keep the kids an extra night...