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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husbands demands

231 replies

lespameo · 20/01/2025 21:40

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 21/01/2025 07:37

user1492757084 · Today

You might need a favour of him one day.

She probably will, but sure as shit, he won't help her.

username299 · 21/01/2025 07:40

I'm not too sure what's going on here. Why are you getting into arguments with your ex? You're still having a relationship with him.

"I have plans that weekend, you'll have to find alternative arrangements." Ignore any further messages.

I would block him on everything and use a co-parenting app. It saves all communication should this end up in court.

I wouldn't be bending over backwards to facilitate his time with the children.

CheekyHobson · 21/01/2025 07:47

I see no reason to be unkind. You might need a favour of him one day.

@user1492757084

lol that’s really not how it works with these guys.

You can try to play nice in order to keep things running smoothly and avoid him punishing you or the kids for any perceived lack of co-operation.

Yet if you make the mistake of thinking doing favours works reciprocally you will be very disappointed.

Trust me, I have a lot of experience with this one. I used to bend over backwards to be a good co-parent (and avoid my ex’s sulks) but when I asked for a favour in the days after my father died, he couldn’t get off his ass to help, despite having said just a day or two earlier (posturing in front of others) that I should just ask if I needed anything at all.

These days he just gets an automatic fake-sorry denial of service, as for some reason he continued to ask for favours regularly despite me no longer playing ball.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 21/01/2025 10:06

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2025 07:28

@lespameo The parent who moved is the one who does the travelling. You've been extremely generous meeting him halfway. The court would agree. I know what it's like dealing with these absolute buffoons who thinks the world revolves around them. I presume he'd punish the kids if you put your foot down?

The court wouldn't agree.
More and more regardless of who moved courts are creating orders where travel is shared.

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 10:20

@Snoopdoggydog123 I've heard this too! It's really sad because my children want to see him more than EOW and he refuses. We don't co parent. He has no involvement in the day to day bringing up of our children, he just babysits them for 36 hours once a fortnight: pathetic.

I think I'd be more than happy to share the driving if he was spending more time with them, but the fact he dictates to me that I spend MY time commuting so he can see HIS children is wrong. He chose to move, he should make the effort.

OP posts:
Burntt · 21/01/2025 10:50

Sounds like my ex. Be prepared for him to cancel that weekend last minute and fuck yo your plans. I think a certain type of men get a kick out of that

JandamiHash · 21/01/2025 10:52

“No. Your problem to sort”.

Then ignore.

He isn’t gonna kick his kids out into the mud is he. So just leave it that

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:13

lespameo · 21/01/2025 06:48

@TipsyJoker @Ponderingwindow
I genuinely hate the whole meeting half way to drop off but I've been doing it to try keep the peace and not upset my children. It's not court ordered. But if I don't do it, he will refuse to see the kids until I back down. And is it really worth the mental anguish? I think 'take me to court then'. I know that mediation would be expected first but I don't want to spend my money on mediation with a man who won't agree to anything unless it's his idea. If it went to court, what if the judge demands I drive them half way or even worse, the full way (90 mins round trip). Appreciate this is going off topic but Any advice on this would be welcome.
Thanks

You just say, I can no longer afford the time or fuel to drive halfway so you will need to pick child up. If he doesn’t take up his contact hours that’s up to him. Let him. If it’s not court ordered don’t do it. It’s not about upsetting anyone. It’s about setting boundaries and sticking to them, which is not only essential with these types of men but also good modelling to your children. If he took you back to court, which would also cost him money remember, and the judge did say you had to drive halfway, you haven’t lost anything. You’re doing nothing wrong by making the children available for contact. You don’t have to do this. Is there any reason why he can’t pick up his own children? He’s their parent. This is what parenting is.

ChonkyRabbit · 21/01/2025 11:16

Tell him you'll pick them up if he drives them halfway.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:17

Think about this, you are still doing things to appease this man because he’s still being abusive. He is still controlling you. This is damaging for your self esteem and not a good model to your children. Facilitate contact by making the children available on the days that are court ordered but no more. That’s what the court deemed appropriate and fair. Stick to it. And if he says anything don’t argue with him. Just repeat, “please see court order.” The. Don’t reply. You don’t owe him shit. You don’t have to keep the peace. Do not let this man continue to control you. It’s time to stop this now.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:19

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:17

Think about this, you are still doing things to appease this man because he’s still being abusive. He is still controlling you. This is damaging for your self esteem and not a good model to your children. Facilitate contact by making the children available on the days that are court ordered but no more. That’s what the court deemed appropriate and fair. Stick to it. And if he says anything don’t argue with him. Just repeat, “please see court order.” The. Don’t reply. You don’t owe him shit. You don’t have to keep the peace. Do not let this man continue to control you. It’s time to stop this now.

And if he gives you abuse, report him to the police for harassment. You have to start taking no shit from him. He will either learn or get a criminal record.

KhakiShaker · 21/01/2025 11:26

You’re setting a precedent by driving the kids halfway. You’ve done it all this time so the court may well order you to continue. But so what if they do, you haven’t lost anything.

I get where you’re coming from. My partner has an abusive entitled ex who kicks off massively if he doesn’t give in to her. So for years he has appeased her, for fear of her kicking off and making DC suffer as a result. She will cut off DC’s nose to spite her face. But enough is enough, you can’t continue in this cycle. Make the kids available and encourage contact, but you don’t need to drive them there! You are busy on his wedding weekend, so he’ll have to make alternative arrangements. Don’t entertain a discussion about it, there’s nothing to discuss.

Dror · 21/01/2025 11:46

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:17

Think about this, you are still doing things to appease this man because he’s still being abusive. He is still controlling you. This is damaging for your self esteem and not a good model to your children. Facilitate contact by making the children available on the days that are court ordered but no more. That’s what the court deemed appropriate and fair. Stick to it. And if he says anything don’t argue with him. Just repeat, “please see court order.” The. Don’t reply. You don’t owe him shit. You don’t have to keep the peace. Do not let this man continue to control you. It’s time to stop this now.

What court order?

Assert yourself OP. 'peace keepers' get walked over.
Move communication to a parenting app.
'I'm unavailable on your contact time.'
'Feel free to arrange a babysitter during your contact time.'

Whyherewego · 21/01/2025 11:47

DorothyStorm · 20/01/2025 21:46

‘Sorry that doesn't wrok for me. Have a wonderful wedding day though.’

This is the response.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:07

OP do you have a court order already in place?

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 21/01/2025 12:12

Suggest he rings the hotel (if they are swanning off to one) and ask for a camp bed.... He knew it was his week end with dc yet chose that as his wedding date....
Surely a family member will be happy to take dd? (his family I might add).. Be plenty of them at the wedding surely?

Dror · 21/01/2025 12:27

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:07

OP do you have a court order already in place?

She already wrote that there isn't one.

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:43

@TipsyJoker no there's no court order in place. When I last refused to do the driving, he initiated mediation. Some was paid via a voucher scheme but I had to pay a few £100 towards and it was an absolute waste of time. He wouldn't shift on anything and I refused to spend more money and my childrens mental health was in a bad place because they didn't see daddy for 7 weeks or so. I gave in basically and did the driving to the half way point cos I'm soft.

This has been in place for a while now, maybe 18 months/ 2 years?

He constantly tries to push boundaries e.g Christmas Day. Agreed to drive the kids to the half way point at 12pm. He demanded I drive them the whole way there and that he'd bring them the whole way back on the Sunday. I was hosting Xmas day for my whole family so said no, just stick to the half way point. For a whole week, I didn't know if they were going to be going or not because he wouldn't commit to the half way point. On Xmas morning, he said 'are you still refusing to drive them to my house' so I said 'yes' and at that point he said 'fine I'll meet you at 12, usual spot'.
He then refused to let me speak to my children from Xmas day until sat 28th to punish me.

He's an absolute see you next Tuesday.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 21/01/2025 12:47

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:43

@TipsyJoker no there's no court order in place. When I last refused to do the driving, he initiated mediation. Some was paid via a voucher scheme but I had to pay a few £100 towards and it was an absolute waste of time. He wouldn't shift on anything and I refused to spend more money and my childrens mental health was in a bad place because they didn't see daddy for 7 weeks or so. I gave in basically and did the driving to the half way point cos I'm soft.

This has been in place for a while now, maybe 18 months/ 2 years?

He constantly tries to push boundaries e.g Christmas Day. Agreed to drive the kids to the half way point at 12pm. He demanded I drive them the whole way there and that he'd bring them the whole way back on the Sunday. I was hosting Xmas day for my whole family so said no, just stick to the half way point. For a whole week, I didn't know if they were going to be going or not because he wouldn't commit to the half way point. On Xmas morning, he said 'are you still refusing to drive them to my house' so I said 'yes' and at that point he said 'fine I'll meet you at 12, usual spot'.
He then refused to let me speak to my children from Xmas day until sat 28th to punish me.

He's an absolute see you next Tuesday.

You don't have to pay for mediation. Just refuse to do it.

Ypu can't see the wood for the trees.
So many of your issues would be resolved by saying No and nothing else.

Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:50

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours this is the message I got from him when I suggested a family member...

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

OP posts:
Original poster
lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:51

@Snoopdoggydog123 I thought not agreeing to mediation is frowned upon by the court and that it'd put me at a disadvantage?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:51

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:43

@TipsyJoker no there's no court order in place. When I last refused to do the driving, he initiated mediation. Some was paid via a voucher scheme but I had to pay a few £100 towards and it was an absolute waste of time. He wouldn't shift on anything and I refused to spend more money and my childrens mental health was in a bad place because they didn't see daddy for 7 weeks or so. I gave in basically and did the driving to the half way point cos I'm soft.

This has been in place for a while now, maybe 18 months/ 2 years?

He constantly tries to push boundaries e.g Christmas Day. Agreed to drive the kids to the half way point at 12pm. He demanded I drive them the whole way there and that he'd bring them the whole way back on the Sunday. I was hosting Xmas day for my whole family so said no, just stick to the half way point. For a whole week, I didn't know if they were going to be going or not because he wouldn't commit to the half way point. On Xmas morning, he said 'are you still refusing to drive them to my house' so I said 'yes' and at that point he said 'fine I'll meet you at 12, usual spot'.
He then refused to let me speak to my children from Xmas day until sat 28th to punish me.

He's an absolute see you next Tuesday.

Do you have evidence of all of this? If so, you need to start reporting it to the police.

”I gave in basically and did the driving to the half way point cos I'm soft.”

You need to stop being soft. It isn’t working for you even if you are soft. He know he can push your boundaries and you will fold. Maybe a court order would actually be a good thing for you. I think some counselling to work on boundary setting would also be good.

Speak to womens aid about what’s happening to get some advice and support. This is post separation abuse and it’s a crime. It’s coercive control. If you went to court and put forward the contact that’s been in place for the last 2 years, they would probably grant that since it’s keeping things consistent for the children and you’re willing to facilitate contact. You could speak to a family lawyer and they could send him a letter with your proposed contact arrangements, (the ones you already have) minus the travelling. This would be evidence for court that you are trying to come to an agreement that works for the children and he’s the one being difficult.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:54

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:50

@Springflowersmakeforbetterhours this is the message I got from him when I suggested a family member...

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

Fuck that guy! My child was at my wedding and then went home with my parents. My parents and child all had a great day and they loved having my child stay over after. He’s being ridiculous. Kids go to weddings all the time. Is he suggesting there will be no other children there whose family will be looking after them? They will all play together. It’s not your problem. He chose to book his wedding during his contact time. Just say no.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 21/01/2025 12:54

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:51

@Snoopdoggydog123 I thought not agreeing to mediation is frowned upon by the court and that it'd put me at a disadvantage?

Not in the slightest.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:55

lespameo · 21/01/2025 12:51

@Snoopdoggydog123 I thought not agreeing to mediation is frowned upon by the court and that it'd put me at a disadvantage?

Mediation is not advised when there is abuse involved. And you have tried it before anyway and it didn’t work. That could be put forward to the court. You have previously tried and ex wouldn’t compromise.