Ex husbands demands

[lespameo]

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

Definitely not BU. Don't give in.

He planned his wedding for when his kids can be there but doesn't want them there for the whole thing, his job to make alternative arrangements for them then.
(I wonder what the arrangements are for the brides daughters.)

Enjoy your event.

(A cynical person might think he's just trying to get you to his wedding day in some capacity. )

Also re the court/mediation. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to refuse any further attempts at mediation given you've already tried it and he refused to make any compromises.

YANBU
he has to be the parent here and deal with the situation himself, it’s his weekend.

he’s just being an A’se because he has a small excuse to exert some control again.

it’s his weekend so he arranges something, fair he has asked you, but you cannot and it doesn’t have to be you.

blooming cheek you drive to his wedding! I guess to collect kids, just feels weird.

It sounds like he has narcissistic qualities and enjoys making you annoyed . He knows the half way point annoys you so will keep doing it. I suggest making his requests seem no bother or say that would have been fine but whoops something came up last minute and you can’t . Don’t give him any of your emotions. He managed to have an effect on you pre Xmas . I think just decide if you are doing something or not (ie if it’s in the best interests of the kids) and go with that but keep a poker face .

For the wedding I wouldn’t want the children to think they are in the way and it would spoil my night out. If your parents are happy to then I wouldn’t want the ask them to collect them.

good luck - he sounds like an arse!!

It is just a case of picking them up… from their father’s wedding (where he is making them unwelcome right at the start of his new family life), but op would have to cancel plans she has already made and paid for.

why do you think the children’s father should not arrange childcare for the evening? It would be very simply to do, babysitter to the hotel for the evening. Why do you think that childcare on his weekend that he wants then there for, isn't his responsibility?

I hope you can hear loads from Mumsnet shouting 'no, you are.' He has made a huge assumption that you will facilitate his vision for his day. It sounds as if you have done all you can. You have been clear, fair and have a plan B. I would probalay reply to one more message if he sends one. Next time don't solve it. It's his weekend. I think you should be saying....as I have already explained as I was not aware of a request for flexibility in childcare arrangements. I have pans already as the date is a significant one. They do not allow me to met your request your request.

I wouldnt say any more. Do not solve the problem. You will not be able to to his satisfaction. Just keeping doing what you do in terms of keeping him informed of important things etc. Whatever you did before.

If broadly the contact works for the children and you - as irritating as the journey sounds - the mediation may indeed serve no real purpose. I know you would like the children - as they want to - to see him more but if he is going to awkward and do things like refuse to let them speak to you to punish you then really the atmosphere for them could be very difficult. They are coming to an age where they can make choices

@lespameo I know one of your dc is 10 - how old is the other one?

Mine were 12, 14 and 16 when I got divorced from my emotionally abusive ex and they have basically lived with me and seen him when they want to since. I have no contact with my ex at all.

What I am trying to say is that there will come a time in the not too distant future when you won’t have to have any contact with your horrible ex.

In the meantime I second the pp who said to grey rock him.

He sounds selfish, unpleasant, narcissistic and controlling.

I'd ask why the kids can't stay at the wedding? My DSS was 8 and stayed the whole night with us, my friend dropped my toddler DD off with a babysitter then came back. I would have hated for the ex to come to our wedding that would just be cruel, I would imagine this is why he's doing it maybe to try make you jealous, control you into seeing him on his wedding.
His ultimatum is the kids don't go to the wedding and you have them and sort childcare out for your evening out, or they go and he sorts a babysitter/they stay there.

"Not once have you ever helped me out, nor do I require it. The answer is no and I won't be responding on this issue again."

Exactly

Don't understand why the children need to leave the wedding at all, they are 10 not toddlers!

It’s not like he’s love’s young dream. It’s his third wedding, there must be a way of having his children there for the evening.
They aren’t toddlers.
Do not budge on this. You have brought important tickets, it’s his weekend, he should have planned to have his wedding on his time if he didn’t want his children there.
What an absolute prince.
Maybe send his new bride a Good Luck card. She’s going to need it!

Your kids are going to learn at some point what a shit he is and they may not thank you for lying to him. Stop the driving and just let him fade out of their lives.

Oh come on, it’s my wedding day?! If the boot was on the other foot you know I would do the same for you as some things are much more important. You’re basically asking someone in my family (who will also be at the wedding) to compromise their own day because you aren’t willing to help me out?

"It's very sad that your family would consider spending time with YOUR children as compromising their day. You have 8 months to sort out a solution to this simplest of issues"

As an aside, if I were the bride-to-be I’d be quite cheesed off at my groom seemingly spending so
much time and energy fighting with his Ex rather than focusing on the wedding and our future together!

Personally I'd arrange alternative childcare if he's not interested enough to make sure his kids are collected and taken care of during a day any normal person would want their kids part of 💯 not just for a few hours that's ridiculous. It's almost as tho he's trying to involve you why would anyone want theor ex anywhere near their next wedding for any reason particularly when it's like this , sounds like wee minds games on his part. Keep your boundaries op your not available you can't collect them if he's unable to cater for his children for his event that's a him problem. And have that expectation for every other time too if he's willing to let his kids suffer that's not a you issue as much as you want to protect them the foot needs put down. He's sounds narcissistic so it's important your kids see boundaries being implemented this way rather than doing anything to keep the peace that's not your burden to bare the relationship with his kids is on him . It's time you stop catering to his demands.

Just an aside, my ex moved about the same distance away. I didn't drive at the time and there wasn't easy public transport options. It was still court mandated that I do half the journeys to facilitate his contact.
But then my ex was obsessive about controlling me through the court system, it being the only way he could see me after I got a non-mol order in place.

Not sure if that's useful or relevant to you op.

I too feel this might have repercussions for your children.

Tough one. Whilst I would love to say absolutely not, chances are he’ll just refuse point blank to have the kids at the wedding leaving you without childcare for the wedding.

If I were you, I’d make it clear that you won’t be the one collecting them and he needs to make his own arrangements. However, I’d be sure to have a backup plan (parents/friend) to have the kids so you can still go out when he inevitably flies off the handle and refuses to have them at all.

What a sad pathetic loser he is 🤷‍♀️

"The boot IS on the other foot ex. YOU moved miles away and yet I still have to facilitate getting the DC to you. Your DC WANT to spend more time with you and yet you deny them this.
I have the responsibility for all school runs, sick days, homework, etc etc.
I've been asking you to "help" to parent your children for their entire life and yet you choose to Disney dad them for 36hrs every fortnight instead.
This is YOUR contact time with YOUR children which is already at the bare minimum , please don't reject them again, they really want to be a more central and considered part of your life."

This
Send up for yourself and stop allowing him to be in control.

I would like to see him doing the same for you!

I see what you mean. On his wedding id just pick them up but I do do things like this because I grey rock men like this: I don’t give them any argument at all I always just say cool ok whatever and it seems to get to them more haha