Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

Maybe he needs to start a youtube channel

It is not just that his interests don’t interest you but that he is talking AT you rather than having a conversation. Is he ND?

Good idea 😂

I have adhd too.

I think you have been over-indulging him. An hour or two of straight listening? Blimey.

I think if I knew anything about what he was talking about I could engage more but I know nothing, so I have nothing to say but “oh wow that’s interesting” 😂 ADHD diagnosed in adulthood

I don't have ADHD and this would drive me insane!

The YouTube channel is not a bad idea to be fair - encourage him to start a blog or similar where he can get out his thoughts and engage with people that have the same interests?

Look up infodumping and autism. This is what he’s doing!

Maybe he is ND too? This sounds like a hyper focus thing?

I don’t know how to approach the subject of maybe just giving me the snippets because he’s really passionate about it so I don’t want to seem unsupportive. It’s so hard

I have autism and adhd and I struggle to listen to mine for 10 minutes, let alone an hour. Mine tells me all about maths and technical things. I try to change the subject until he gets the hint.

My ND DB does this. I have to be really blunt after about 20 minutes and say “Tony can you be quiet now, you’re boring me. I’m not interested”. Nobody could describe the feeling of being trapped by being talked at at length! It’s hell.

It sounds like he could be neurodivergent too.

Yeah YANBU, he's monologuing and dominating the "conversation" and not letting you do anything but listen to him. This is not good. Him, not you. You need to try to talk to him about how it makes you feel when he makes you sit still and listen for hours on end about his interest. Ask him what he's getting out of talking AT you like this. Because if he's got empathy for others he shouldn't be treating you like a ragdoll who just sits there while he monologues. It might hurt his feelings but he's not caring about your feelings and you need to not be stuck on a regular basis while he wastes your time like this.

I may get flamed for this but a neurodiverse person can still be told that what they're doing isn't polite.

Does he ask you about your day, your interests, allow room for you to speak etc?

I have suggested going to a doctor to see about an autism diagnosis. My brother has autism and he was the exact same with hyperfixations and telling us all about it for hours, and DH reminds me a lot of my brother when he speaks about his interests. But he makes a good point that he went through the motions as an adult and was diagnosed with ADHD, not autism. I’m not sure how the process works in adulthood, as I was diagnosed as a child

Sorry but can't you just be an adult and stop him after a bit and say

"Love, you've been going on now for nearly 20 mins and I can't follow this any more. I'd like to talk about my day too at some stage"

I'd think my partner was rude reading a book at the dinner table, same with checking their phone.

Are you intimidated by his annoyance if you don't let him bore you to tears for nearly 2hrs?

I can’t underaged how you haven’t ended him!

Please tell him that it’s rude to talk at someone.

Can you start monologueing at him so he understands how painful it is?

I have ADHD and I would have gone crazy.

It’s not you it’s him. You need to tell him that you love how passionate he is about this stuff but it’s his interest and not one you share in particular so you can’t be expected to talk (listen) about it for an hour or more.

My eldest is like this, he has dyspraxia and ADD and we suspect he may be on the spectrum too. He would go on for hours if he could. So we try to get him to distill what he wants to say into 1 or 2 sentences. He has friends with similar interests at uni who he can "geek out" with. It's unfair for your DH to expect you to share his interest in a very niche subject.

It is unbelievably self absorbed to talk at someone for hours then get upset if they're not interested. The wonders of living alone raises its head again.

He doesn’t care about you if he won’t stop. Sorry.

@eynjln There's crossover between ADHD hyperfocus and Autism special interest monologuing. Regardless of diagnosis or lack thereof, he needs to hear how you feel.

No no no, these types eyes DP don’t actually want a reasoned debate, or anyone to add their own views. It would spoil their fun completely.

I have a theory that as men get older they either lose their ability to understand social cues (i.e. when you’ve bored someone to death) or they simply don’t care. I think it’s hormonal.

My approach is to indulge my DH sometimes but when I’ve had enough just say, oh goodness I’ve got to do x, y and z and walk away purposefully. It is bloody annoying though and you would be entirely justified in saying “Would you mind if we change the subject” or simply “Gosh, I’m getting a bit of a headache, I’m just going to take my dinner in the other room and sit quietly with a book”. If he can’t accept those points, you have a bigger problem…

I'm blunt with my best mate, and tell him that I know he finds it interesting, but it's his interest, not yours so please don't tell you all about it. Rinse and repeat. It's become a bit of a standing joke now, where I say "are you taking to me about xx?" And I get a daft smile and a yuss. You don't have to listen! It's such an autistic thing that I really try not to do myself.