Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

Presumably he knows that you have ADHD?
"Darling I'm afraid I can't concentrate for longer than 10 minutes due to my ADHD, so I'll stop you there"

My 13 year old DS does this about battleships of WW2 (his current obsession)
He has ASD and ADHD.
Melts my brain.

I'd be tempted to pop my earbuds in (with hair combed down over my ears so he can't see them) and listen to an audiobook or podcast while he's waffling on, and just nod every now and then so he thinks I'm paying attention to him. 🙄

Mine can do this but he is aware and will make the effort to restrict it and to reciprocate. But when he has been a bit shirty in the past, because I haven’t been interested, we have had to have a chat. I make the point that I don’t talk to him about my special interest- beyond an occasional five minutes- because he really doesn’t want to know, he couldn’t care less- and he shows me that if i try to! But it’s better to have the conversation before he starts his monologue because he’s more receptive to the idea if I’m not suddenly interrupting him with it.

Otherwise we each say to the other, really I would like to read my book, this is your interest and not mine, please let me off now! We make comments for a short time to show we have been listening but there is a limit and that’s ok.

How would your OH respond if you mentioned this at a neutral time, @eynjln ?

My husband and I shout UNSUBSCRIBE if one of us has gone on too long about a subject the other has no interest in 😅

I've told him he can give me a 5 min spiel max on Crypto and in exchange I'll limit my info dumping to the same time limit.

Might be worth having a chat about expectations and just let him know that your brain can only handle x mins, but you're happy to hear the crib notes version of what he's been reading about.

I'd give him ten minutes then say "How interesting!" and get on with your book.

I like that!

Because she’s said she doesn’t want to upset him. If she was happy to ‘say it straight’ I guess she wouldn’t have come here asking for ideas about how to manage it.

I have a similar situation with my teenage some currently. He has just started University but is doing this about his new found interests.

Start telling him

'You know how the brain is one of your special interests?

Well as you know I'm ADHD and this means that my brain works like this (insert brief summary) and I can only process so much information at a time.

Beyond X minutes of new information, my (insert relevant brain bit) goes into overwhelm with too much processing - and causes shutdown.

In future, I need you to summarise your new information into a five minute piece that I CAN process.

IF I require more information - I'll ask.'

Then if he does it again

'As I told you, my brain cannot process more than a certain amount of information.

I know you don't INTEND to cause me overload and overwhelm - but that is the effect.

Give me a five minute summary.'

He's a dentist, a scientist who routinely does horrible things to frightened people every day. (I do often wonder about surgeons in general ...)

Present him with the science, not the emotion.

My DD15 is awaiting asd assessment. She loves sharks. I don't. I listen to bits here & there but it's minutes. I explain that not everyone has the same interests and so it's not something I am willing to listen to for ages (me/CFS so also struggle to concentrate). I explain it's not to offend/hurt her feelings. We are very self aware of our ND traits & accept that we don't need to inflict ourselves on everyone constantly lol I personally talk alot & am aware people need a break from my constant chat.

I would suggest he finds a friend with similar interests. DD loves talking to her bf about sharks & he talks back about something of his interest 😂

Or maybe he can make a PowerPoint & share it, say once a week or month. We have a friend who loves Victorian houses. He makes slides & shares with the group. No one else likes Victorian houses much but we like our friend so watch the PP every so often

It's ironic that he's so interested in the brain but doesn't realise the difficulties your ND brain has concentrating on something which isn't your special interest. Maybe he could research ADHD brain type while he is at it 🤣

He’s being really selfish. This sounds like absolute hell and pretty messed up to be guilt-tripping you for not paying keen attention for 37 hours straight. What a knob.

You need to raise this issue with him before he starts his monologue and explain that while you understand he has found a subject that heavily interests him, it does not interest you, and him spending an hour telling you about it will be a waste of his own energy.
That way, he can’t get annoyed at you for ‘interrupting’ his speech!

Oh GOD why do men do this. My dad gives long lectures and doesn't like to be interrupted. My husband has started doing this and I pull him up every time. I think it's a "man of a certain age" thing.

I've said to him - don't lecture me. It's boring and rude (and selfish). I want to have a conversation with you- there should be some back and forth. Fair enough to tell me a certain amount but more than 10-15 mins is quite frankly intolerable. I've told him I don't want him to turn into my dad!

Also conversation fosters intimacy and closeness. A lecture does the opposite. It doesn't feed your relationship

There is truly nothing more tedious than people describing their dreams. It is unbearable

I apply this thinking to any form of one sided conversation, you aren't there to solely fulfil the role of audience. My mum watches too much news and goes on and on if you don't nip it in the bud. When someone isn't interested in your input they are just lecturing you and you didn't buy a ticket for that lecture.

Its great he enjoys talking about it but he needs to find an outlet, I mean does he care what's its doing to your brain, mind, consciousness, sense of self etc to have to wind your own psyche down to listen to him for THAT long? That would be an engaging debate, rather than a lecture.

Hope he stops acting so hurt when you can't engage for that long.

Also, it's one of life's great contrasts, dreams are SO interesting to the person who dreamed them, but they are so deathly dull to anyone else. We've all seen the light die from someone's eyes as we begin to recount a dream, that's the time to cease and desist! For someone interested in how the brain works he doesn't sound very introspective or able to apply it to behaviour and how it reflects on others 😅

How much attention would you say is reasonable?

I think that might be the problem… since having a toddler I feel like I am not able to do my own thing. For example, instead of watching TV together every evening, or going to bed together, I will want to read my book (since I rarely get to maybe for 20-30 minutes max per day during nap time) and he gets upset because that’s our ‘together time’ 🤔

I used to not mind so much but now every time he says “I had a crazy dream last night” internally I’m like NOOOO please

I think maybe I’m going to say the sum it up in bullet points thing. I like that he is passionate about something and I’ve told him if he wants to switch careers and retrain I’m all for it but it just does not interest me at all to hear about it for so long

I agree. Maybe it is because we have different types of ADHD, I have inattentive and he has hyperactive. So maybe he really doesn’t understand what goes on in my brain and he thinks I’m the same as him 🤔

You don't need together time every single night, or even every minute of the evening.

What if you wanted to go out on a night to see a friend or for a hobby?

He sounds very clingy or controlling. It's perfectly natural to want time on your own.

Present him with science not emotion is such a good point. As he struggles to understand emotions/feelings he does not share or agree with, so maybe I have been going about this wrong. I will try that thank you

As much as you can genuinely offer. That's up to you. But that's not really the point, you don't "owe" him any particular length of time sitting still and pretending to listen. It might be thirty seconds, it could be three hours if you were gripped with the tale.

That's not how it works. You're not a dustbin for his diatribes. And he's not making your "together time" isn't very attractive at all by droning on at you for hours.

It's selfish, shows incredible lack of self awareness and regard for you as a person. Which is why you don't want to do it, and nor should you feel you have to in order be a good wife. How much worrying is he doing about making himself a good husband? Not fucking much I'd wager.

He has time out of his day for alone time so that element is fulfilled for him, but you need to carve your time out too. Just say you've had no quiet time to be at peace with your thoughts all day, you just want to engage your mind with your book etc. Together time is precious but it's only mutually fulfilling when both people have had their own calm, their own time to recalibrate. I have a toddler too so know how much you need that!