Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

You can flip it.

DH I love you and how passionate you about XX topic. But please don't accuse me of being uncaring, when I've listened for xx time. Talking at me with a monologue about this topic that you know isn't my thing isn't particularly caring to me is it? Especially as with ADHD I can only concentrate for approx 10m, that's not a choice l, that's how my brain works, so please be kind at let me have a break now because we both care about each other don't we?

Time him one night. Show him how long he has been blah blah blahing at you and then tell him that the next night you expect the same courtesy. He can sit down with a clock and listen to you download every single fucking thing that fascinates you about feminist romantic fantasy stories (and compare and contrast to 17 hr lectures on brain business…)

Imagine actually being married to Hyacinth Bucket! 😁😁😁 Quelle horreur!

The more i read, the more intolerable this sounds. You're his mum, not his partner. Tip-toeing round him, unable to read a book or go out incase it upsets him. And you have an actual toddler to care for! Adults need to be able to deal with their emotions - your DH does not and so you're doing it for him. But this isn't your job and is unsustainable. Moving away from family and friends and having little support where you are must be tough. I agree with PP that your DH doesn't see you as an autonomous person with your own wants and needs - you're his support person.

He is a fully grown man, not a small child that you must entertain with applause whenever he shares his ‘wisdom’.

This relationship does sound like it has a rather unhealthy dynamic, whereby you simply exist to validate his whims.

OP, you sound lovely and you have big demands made on you - mostly by your DH. Please consider having counselling for yourself. I sense that you are always the one making compromises and are made to feel anxious. Of course you don’t have a duty to “support” your husband while he bores you to tears. His behaviour is very selfish. As others have suggested, find ways to cut the monologues off. But please consider the bigger picture of how healthy/fair this relationship is. Counselling will help. And you must have time to yourself, a friendship group, activities that you do without him, etc. He sounds controlling.

Agree.
Not surprised he had you move away from family and friends.
Deliberately isolating you.
He doesn't want you spending time away from him.

He is so far ahead of you and you have blindly walked into a highly controlling relationship.
Toxic.
Do not have another child until you are very sure you want to be utterly smothered and controlled by him completely.

This is going to be very toxic modelling for your child.
Eventually you will wake up or crack up.
You should consider returning to where you live.

I completely get this my partner has autism and he can get hyper focused on this hobbies and talk for England about them. You become in a trap where they are just talking at you rather then it being a discussion. When I try to change the subject it goes straight back to what he wants to talk about and I always feel what I want to talk about or what interests me go unheard

Time to remind him that there’s two of you in your relationship and whilst you accept his desire to study the brain, and its complexities and functions you would prefer to NOT hear about it constantly. If he gets in a huff that’s too bad but unless you open your mouth and say something nothing will change will it?

It’s Fun with Flags!

I just thought op, can you ask him what my dream about cooked broccoli growing out of my belly button means? Chat gpt is saying it means new ideas that are important to me are coming out

I think you are indulging him.
Im autistic and have adhd and so do a lot of my friends and family.
We joke about this sort of thing. I think if this was me, id tell him that hes frying my brain and ive been autismed at for long enough.
Ive also been known to ask someone if its ok to tell them about my special interest.

Its one of the joys of neurodiversity. That pleasure of getting really in to a subject passionately. He needs to be able to tell you about it, but also, he needs to be a bit more self aware, because it sounds like it's a lot.
You also need to be able to tell him to finish up without him getting stroppy.

Youtube channel is a good call

I know a bloke who can/will only talk about maths and physics, and another who can/will only talk about taekwondo and dub reggae. Both perfectly harmless fellas, but jeez, they bore me stupid after a bit!
Have a word with him, and say "look, I am interested, but you need to think about other people's interest levels". It's his issue, not yours. Wondering if he does it with others or are you his only 'willing' audience?