Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

Oh, good grief, I've got one of these. I love him dearly, but sometimes... 😬

My usual response when I've had enough is, 'My comment was not the introduction for your monologue.'

Sympathy and sisterhood OP 💐

My Mum is like this, the monologues. Like Uncle Colm in Derry Girls.

@eynjln In answer to your actual question no you’re not a terrible wife. Your husband sounds like a tone deaf and entitled pain in the arse though. While I’m sure he has other virtues, it’s not the 1950s - you shouldn’t be necessarily be interested in his interests and you definitely shouldn’t have to pretend that you are.

He's objectifying you. He doesn't see or value you as a fully formed human, with your own thoughts, needs and personality, rather be thinks you are there to cater to him only or as an extension of himself.

You really need to push back on this. Of course you need time to yourself and time to do what you want and it's perfectly reasonable to have it.

What about a night class, or take up a hobby, book club, check the local Facebook group, evening job, anything to get out of the house and away from his monopolisation of your time, and to meet people.

He is being a shit husband! As are many in this thread!

I just had a really interesting chat with my DH about gender roles and expectations- think a philosophical chat (inspired by trump) not who does the dishes. Note: it was a CONVERSATION I was not getting a lecture.

All these pathetic manbabies who's little feelings will get hurt if you tell them they are being boring- while they are being not only boring but also monumentally selfish. It's so depressing to even read about, I can't imagine being in a relationship like that.

You only have so much energy in a day! You need to use some of it for you, not just serve your baby and husband.

Can you point him to the dull men's club on FB to air his discoveries to a willing audience

This is my dad.. been married 61 years and my mum's just resigned to listening to it. She does escape sometimes...

I want to go to the gym or a class, he doesn’t like it

Your husband sounds like selfish, manipulative, controlling prick. You're worried about upsetting him? Why? He doesn't seem to give a shit about how you feel or what you want.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you really need to look at the wider picture of what's going on here.

I had an ex who counted telephone poles for a living Ok Exchanges what was in them etc.

She could talk about it for hours...............

Yes I think she had issues

If it's a boring monologue AT you for an hour or so each time rather than a back and forth conversation then he's probably ND. Especially if he can't read your lack of interest. TBH I'd find his lecturing totally dull and a turn off. If he sulks when you try to change the subject then you need to spell it out to him and if he doesnt make effort to reign it in then consider whether you can live with this high level of tedium for the rest of your marriage.

Does he have any local friends he meets up with or do you both spend all his non- working time together? What do you talk about (apart from brains or his dreams)? It sounds quite stultifying tbh not having the opportunity to meet and chat with other people.

Surely there is a club or society he could join and go to once a week? Or start one?

Invite people round for dinner - even spaghetti bol - to dilute.

It would drive me mad. I once had a bf whom was a tax expert. I used to ask him to tell me all about it if I couldn't sleep.

Do you like baking ? You could do that whilst he talks. Like radio.

You seem to think you are finding it hard to tolerate being talked at for an hour because you have ADHD. You're finding it hard because it's intolerable.

I have a house of them.
Really fun when 2 or 3 of them try to talk at me at the same time.

DS1 is autistic. DS2 is diagnosed dyslexic, but I would not be surprised if there's inattentive adhd in the mix. DH comes from a family of undiagnosed autistic males where rattling off about heat pumps, solar panels and flanges is fair game.

Today DS1 was suprisingly astute at noticing that my brain was more occupied by not crashing the car into the nearest tree than processing the sci-fi random concept that popped into his head requiring several minutes of monologue. He asked if he wanted me to repeated, and I politely declined and said that he'd said what he needed to say which was the important bit.

I feel a bit sorry for him as there isn't really anyone on the right wave length to engage with his special interests.

I often get to the point of saying that my brain isn't processing this any more. It doesn't help that hearing is hard work when my internal monologue is chuntering on, it's like a pair of radios flitting in and out of their frequencies against each other. (I have auditory processing disorder which may well be a facet of something else)

Like a fencer, start practicing some parry and riposte techniques.

You'll know by now when a lecture is about to launch by the turning of the conversation, maybe a particular tone of voice or expression. Mine gets a sort of soft expression and stands or sits as though there's suddenly a camera on him.

Be aware of it coming on and have a series of handy things to say that can chop it off at the start. Head it off in a different direction. Doesn't have to be fancy.

I really fancy that pie for dinner!
What's on telly tonight?
This funny thing happened today
I was talking to xx and you know what they said?

Start taking control of the conversation instead of submitting to it. It will.mran changing a habit and yes that is hard.

It does seem yours has difficulty seeing you as an individual - I've seen it described as main character syndrome.

I would just wander off, yawn & start reading something, etc.

How to tell us your DH probably has ASD without telling us your DH probably has ASD.

Also it seems to be a thing where one ND partner unwittingly attracts another ND partner.

I bet without realising it it you've probably got ND friends too:my little close knit friendship group;there's 4 of us have come to realise we're all likely on the spectrum and all also have ND kids.

My ND DD's friendship group is like this and jokes they attract each other like a pack of emotionally unregulated wolves.

Added together with your other replies, he sounds really overbearing. Not only with the monologues (and that's bad!) but also the way he gets to make all the decisions on how you live your life.

Why the hell can't you 'upset' him? What happens when you do?

This might be as simple as your needing some assertiveness training - I hope so - or it might be that you've got yourself a controlling twat there.

In the meantime, this might be local to where I grew up, we had a very often used phrase: "I AM NOT A LISTENING POST!" Sometimes we'd actually ask for a listening post, but it was mainly used when people were rabbiting on.

Somebody's mother made a post, which she'd plonk on the sofa and say "Talk to that" while she went off to stick needles in her eyes or watch paint dry 😂

I have a friend like this . He is obsessed with football, rugby or the fact he is trans and is thinking of getting surgery for it. I don't find any of these things interesting so I tend to just make a comment or ask a question to make myself seem like I'm interested as I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is a nice person. We were flatmates together at Uni. But nothing in common anymore. I wouldn't mind but he tends to talk at me. I think he finds it hard to make friends, he works hard, but not very social. But he has a kind heart. It just means I get a lot of his monologues!

I have been lectured at on politics during breakfast and that was bad enough.

Massive sympathies, OP.

Imagine if you really liked singing. But, you didn't want to sing to yourself, or in a choir. No. You actually wanted your spouse to sit and listen to you singing. You liked to do it in the evenings, after dinner especially, after they'd spent a long day with a toddler. You liked to sing at them for up to a couple of hours, uninterrupted. You wanted to sing into their face and expect them to sit, and listen to the singing, and make you feel as though they were interested and enjoying it.

They have mentioned they would rather like to sometimes go out and go to the gym, instead of listening to the singing, but you expressed upset with this suggestion and said that you'd much rather they stayed at home so you could sing in their face. Every night.

It's ludicrous. You wouldn't do it. Nobody would be expected to put up with it, but it's a very similar situation in terms of how you're experiencing what is going on.

I don’t really have much advice tbh.
I have been in this situation though and it almost destroyed me. I live alone now! 😂
I can’t bare being talked at, it drives me round the bend, I’m a silence kind of person.

You could just try talking at him, every time he’s trying to read a book start talking about something.

The only thing you're being unreasonable about is how long you've let him do this for! You should be able to be honest with one another, just say, i'm sorry but it doesn't interest me so please don't keep telling me. Its nice he's passionate about something but he doesn't need to tell you every detail.

At least your husband talks to you, mine just watches stupid YouTube videos and plays his PlayStation.

I always have conductive Bluetooth earphones on and have the radio on in the background because I also get bored easily. Might be worth investing in some Shokz ?