Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

Ask him which parts of the brain are responsible for infodumping.

This 100%!

My OH is autistic, I’m ADHD and we often have this dynamic. Took us a few years to work out why we were disagreeing all the time and he would get frustrated with my lack of interest. Sometimes I can keep up with him, but if I’m tired or unable to do so we’ve figured out a way of me interrupting that doesn’t end in an argument. I guess it’s a bit like having a safe word. If he’s a great partner in most other ways then it’s absolutely worth working on communication around this issue. One of the things I love about my OH is his passion on various issues…I just can’t (or don’t want to) always keep up with him!

Oh goodness, that sounds awful. Good on you for leaving!

Surely you are aware why a person would talk at great length about a niche special interest topic without picking up on the social cues which signal that the other person isn't interested.

Just be honest with him. "I love how into this you are but unfortunately my brain just switches off when you talk about the dream stuff. Can we try different topics between us?"

There are certain topics that I literally cannot hold focus on - it's like a shutter slams down in front of my eyes. I've had to be honest with my partner because otherwise I ended up feeling irritated and snapping. Better honesty than me being horrible to him.

Mine does this. His specialist subject is the history of 1960s British TV. Anything can set it off and that's it - welcome to his Ted talk on the complete works of Gerry Anderson, or whichever one has been triggered.

Yes, he's ND. I would bet your dentist chap is too. Monologuing can be a thing. As can completely failing to read the room and considering other people. And yes I know not all ND people are like that. But some are.

Tell him that he is not a sensitive communicator. He’s essentially talking at you, not conversing with you. It’s extremely self-indulgent behaviour for him to keep doing this for hours at a time and demanding a captive audience. I genuinely would get up and walk away if someone kept doing this to me again and again and again rather than be effectively pinned in my seat by someone who demands that I must sit and their every word must be attended to. Yeah, tell him to do one.

He really does not read the room. I think you have been very patient I would be telling him he’s got 5 minutes to summarise the key points!

I’m not generally in favour of giving men microphones but he needs to start a podcast, for your sake.

In the meantime, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to tell him going forward you’ll listen for 30 minutes max on a particular topic before it’s time for him to stop monopolising your time.

He sounds like an interesting guy, at least he is not on about Arsenal or Man City. That would really bore me.

I just say "I'm sorry Stace, but what you just said was really boring".
And start a stare off. I always win.

lol-ing at him being a dentist. He literally has a captive audience. Tell him to save it for his root-canal patients.

"Sweetheart, I love you to death, you know I do, but I have absolutely no clue what you are trying to tell me nor do I want to learn, and you're giving me a headache, so please shush now and leave me to read my book!" or words to that effect, worked for me. My husband is a wonderful man but he is a very detail-orientated engineer and I have no clue what he's on about 90% of the time when he's talking about his work. So very early on in our long relationship we established that when I asked how his day was I really didn't care about the minutae of what (and how!) he had built that day and that a brief overview in laymans terms was all that was required. Bless him, I love him to bits!

Can I suggest you do what I do when my husband starts telling me in detail how he built the shed, fixed the guttering etc. After about 5 minutes I say 'ok, stop talking now, I'm bored'

Obviously it depends how you say it but it's become a bit of a joke between us now 😆

Does he ever listen to you?

"OK dear, that's enough."

Except he wouldn't do it to his patients because he knows that wouldn't be appropriate... he saves it for his wife. For some reason he believes he deserves her unwavering attention.

An hour on neurology when he doesn’t care that you’re bored is probably equivalent to an hour on Arsenal’s defence when he doesn’t care that you’re bored.

I've audhd and tbh I've a rule no talking to me while I eat 😅 otherwise I end up with a cold dinner. I couldn't listen to anyone go on for an hour, I'd get an egg timer , give him 15 minutes and then tell him I've enough now.

It's unfortunate he is not picking up on your cues. I would say; "Wow, it sounds like you've learned loads from X book / Y program. To be honest I am struggling to digest all this information verbally; can you summarise it in a few minutes and we can perhaps talk about it in more detail another time?"

But it's not you though is it, it's the OP who is getting an earful and she's not interested.

I like the sound of his interests. My DH want to talk about electrics, newly aquired tools or political theory - can we swap?!

A friend does this and he is autistic. It drives me up the wall. In his case it's cars which I have zero interest in. I'd be much more interested in dreams but just to be talked at is horrible. With my friend I often feel like I could place a carnature of me nodding on and off and he wouldn't notice.

When my DH talks to me about something I’m not interested in, I tell him I’m not interested and ask him if we can talk about something else. Have you tried being honest?

If he’s not picking up on cues, why wouldn’t you just say it straight?