Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

Let him get upset. But draw boundaries. Tell him it’s his interest and not yours. And that you find it boring.

He might well listen to you drone on about your fantasy novels once or twice, but he wouldn’t do time after time. Compare what he is doing to this.
if you need to Use a timer and then have exactly the same time to monologue at him. Make him see what he is doing if he won’t listen to you.

I couldn’t cope with this. Even 20 minutes makes you a superhero.

That sounds awful. He is obviously a bright guy. Can you ask him to sit down with you and have a proper chat about why he can't carry on doing this to you.

My husband and my brother both do this. I only speak to my brother a couple of times a month so I just grin and bear it but I live with my husband and it drives me a bit potty. Depending on my mood, I will get on with my own thing and just make occasional "mmhmm" noises, or tell him he's boring me which upsets him but doesn't stop him doing it again. If I'm listening to an audiobook and he starts, it's 50/50 whether I will pointedly pause it, or turn the volume up until he stops talking. I love him, but I do not want to listen to a monologue about his latest hyperfixation.

I banned various subjects that DH wanted to drone on about (Elon Musk and Jacob Collier come to mind) and I wouldn't hesitate to say, with a smile, "that's banned". I also used to deploy the response "yes dear" or simply go to another room, decide to sort out the washing, change the beds etc if those things needed doing. Putting the telly on worked quite well but I also refused to watch YouTube and eventually got another telly and armchair in the bedroom especially for him

I think you should calmly tell him to switch sides and listen to you monologue for two hours about the same subject constantly whether he feels like it or is interested or not. If you want a lecture you will go to open university. Everyone is entitled to mental space and him lecturing you and expecting you to fake enthusiasm for it is actually abusive. It needs to stop. You are entitled to your own likes, interests and inner world. He can take his enthusiasm to the internet and find like-minded brain nerds to share with.

OP, his "upset" at not being allowed to info dump on you for hours is highly manipulated and will seriously damage YOUR mental health.

Of course this is not normal.
Please deal with it because your marriage will not survive such selfishness.
It is selfish, ND or not.
You cannot allow this to continue.

Don't have more children with him.

I'd tell him (nicely) to pipe down

Mine has ADHD and oh my goodness the hyperfocus….!

He is so passionate about the field he works in (100% hyperfocus put to extremely good use).

How does your husband feel about his diagnosis? For mine it was a huge relief for him to understand why he had struggled (invisibly, outwardly hugely successful), so he laughs about it. I don’t listen to his hyperfocus work waffle and we can joke about it - could you try similar with yours? He genuinely isn’t offended or upset by this though, which I think is key - he recognises it’s part of his ADHD and that it’s not a rejection of him if I don’t want to listen to it for hours….

I suppose the difference is that my husband gets to make lots of money basically talking
to various groups of people all day long who ARE interested and are actively seeking him out for the information, so I suppose this will satiate the infodumping compulsion…

Could your husband engage in something socially (I assume it would have to be online) with a group of people equally interested in this topic? Which would hopefully have the same impact?

You do need to tell him honestly though, ideally in a way that doesn’t offend - you’re almost by the sounds of it a prisoner to his monologues and that’s not a fun way to live. If there’s no way of doing it that won’t offend him, then you’ll have to just offend him…his need to infodump doesn’t top trump your own desires for peace, and a varied conversation!

How is his self awareness/self reflection? Again, my husband’s isn’t great (his own admission!) so he would in this situation need me to tell him (probably bluntly!) that he could talk a glass eye to sleep and that he needs to stop. However, again this wouldn’t offend him! Everyone is different, my husband is better with the direct approach, yours might not be!

Sorry but could you not just tell him that's all very interesting but then politely tell him you want to talk about something else or the steer the conversation to something else? Or tell him you just want to look at your book?

I work in neuro settings and love the brain, but even I'd be bored to death after 1-2 hours of being talked at about it! (Or any other topic for that matter!)

Does your DH ever ask about things that interest you? Does he have anyone else that shares his interest in neuro stuff who might be better placed to have his chats about it with?

I am convinced that my DH is autistic, and he does this to me all the time!
I have addressed it by explaining that I cannot process that amount of information at once.
The other thing he does is start talking about something that we weren’t discussing, and starting in the middle of the stream of consciousness that has been going through his head. It can be quite hilarious when we have been talking about his family, and then he responds to my comment with E.g. one about a robotic lawnmower…
It’s a good job I love him🤣

I hear you. My ex used to tell me all about the tiny details of his day. He used to work in car rental so I'd get the make, model, colour and reg plate of every sodding car he'd dealt with that day. I was bored out of my mind. Divorced him.

Husband, more people need to hear about this. Why don’t you start a blog.
Or a YouTube channel?
He can talk at his audience to his heart’s content then.
Of course he then might just talk at you about his latest blog, or video…….. Then it’s time to think how peaceful a single life will be.

I just lol'd at this.

Mainly nd family here. I find it hilarious when my asd dh complains about our nd kids info dumping on him because he's just as bad!

I agree that he also definitely does not want her to become an equal participant in these conversations anyway - he might like her eagerly asking questions so he can share more of his 'expertise'. I am absolutely certain that you are right that he wouldn't want her to be interrupting his show with facts and ideas and opinions of her own on the topics.

There has to be a sub-reddit or several for his interest, OP, which would allow him to immerse himself in it and share his thoughts with others without boring you to tears.

No one needs 2 hour nightly lectures, it's incredibly rude and self centred of him.

Why does he think he's more important than you? Does he ask about your DC, your day, your dreams?

My DH loves to explain things to little old me (with the Oxbridge degree to his 5 CSEs). I find a simple 'Shut up, I'm not interested' works 90% of the time.

I share the same interests as your Husband and still, I could not listen to this for 2 hours!

This isn’t a subject you’re passionate and it’s unfair to have it shoved down your throat during your wind down time at home.

You cannot be his everything. Adults usually develop different social groups to share aspects of themselves in. For example, I wouldn’t speak to my partner about fashion, that’s a conversation to have with my girlfriends. I wouldn’t speak extensively about renovations with my girlfriends, I’d save that conversation for my partner.

In a nutshell, he needs to find someone else to talk to.

A friend of mine used to recount her dreams at length and debate the meaning thereof. They make no sense, they are boring to anyone else and nobody cares. She has been diagnosed as ASD in adulthood, which explains a lot about her fixations, I suppose. I would be so bored, to tears, by this behaviour. It's so unfair on you. My DH tells me about his job (emergency services, so quite interesting) but we both know when enough is enough, can read the room etc. An hour (up to two!!) would KILL me.

Yeah, my husband is awful at picking up social cues to stop, or rather, he thinks people are being unreasonable for not being as interested in politics and the state of the world as he is. When mostly people just want a catch up and a goss...

I veer between saying 'enough now', or saying I have other things to do, or suggesting we walk the dog....or just drifting off into my own daydreams which I'm quite often happy to do.

But he's not very interested in me or what I'm doing, have done, but I don't take it personally - it's not just me.

Apart from that he's quite kind and loveable.

Sorry not much help - but he doesn't have the right to monologue at you and you could do with establishing some boundaries. And I think it's only going to get worse as he gets older.

I also send mine off to a pub quiz once a week where he talks about what he wants to...

Tell him that you’ll listen as long as he talks about it with his arm raised straight up above his head. He’s allowed to drop his arm every time he asks you a question/gives you space to speak. When he starts talking again, arm goes up again. If his arm starts aching it might make him realise just how long he’s monologuing for and how uncomfortable it’s making you.

You need to tell him how much it upsets you, if you haven't already. Then if he continues, you'll know he is ok putting his needs above yours. You obviously care about hurting his feelings, he needs to care equally about yours.
It may well be hard for him to change the habit of a lifetime, but techniques like a timer, or having an agreed word/phrase you can deploy for him to put a sock in it, might help.
Out of interest, does he monologue like this with friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues? Or does he save it for you?

Already says he's got ADHD. That is neurodivergent. Do you mean he might be autistic?

My DH does this.
Strangely this morning I was talking to him about some ethical/legal question that I had been pondering and wanted his opinion on and he said that it isn’t very pleasant talking about that kind of thing at breakfast and I couldn’t hold back, I just stared at him for a few seconds and told him that I listen to him for hours at all times of the day talking about his electronics nerdy stuff and that he can deal with 5 minutes and an actual question showing that I am interested in his response. He just looked at me and quietly said ok. Brilliant.

DH does this and has ADHD. I find him worst first thing in the morning before he has taken his tablet. Hilariously, this morning he came up and said he'd had to turn Chris Evans off because he was going on too much.

What was interesting was when he started medication and found his brain was calmer, he opened up about just how much stuff was constantly going around in his head. It sounded exhausting. We had been married 20+ years at this point and I had no idea.