Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

It is a well known fact that other peoples dreams are unspeakably dull.

I think you need to redirect with him about how this is making you feel. It’s making me feel anxious just reading about it here.

Sorry I mistyped - by the time I picked up my book dinner was long finished and we were sitting on the couch.

I have tried to say that but he gets upset with me for not caring so I don’t know how to approach it without hurting his feelings, since he is very passionate

Yeah I must admit I would say "I'm bored now, less words" to which his answer is normally "fewer words" .

We've been together a long time & this is fine for us.

But getting upset is not ok, you're a verbal hostage.

but he gets upset with me for not caring

But he's not caring or even noticing that you're bored shitless is he?

Amd why would you care? It's not interesting to you. You're allowed to not be interested.

Have you asked him if he could listen to you talk about a subject he knows nothing about for 2 hours?

You need to tell him.

Whenever my husband has a drink he monologues. Literally talks and talks at me for hours. He doesn't want a conversation, he wants an audience and it's unfair. He has had me in tears before because he followed me round from room to room after HOURS of talking at me, even after I had begged him to stop.

And that is exactly what I told him. You don't want a conversation, you want an audience and I'm not doing it any more.

Now he makes an effort not to be like that and when he starts, I tell him that he's doing it again and I'm leaving the room.

Yes I know a lot of ND people and this is common, monologue talking at you. I switch off or just get blunt, hints don't work!

You need to get in there first and talk at him for 1-1.5 hours about all the plots of your most recent reads. Don't let him get a word in.

Then later, ask how he found that.

thats a good idea! We have a toddler and so most of my day is spent playing fairies or making worms with play doh that I have less mental capacity for it than I used to. I do say sometimes “oh I’m really tired I won’t be able to give you my full concentration” and he will drop it, but it delays it by a few hours only when he will pick it up again

I have been tempted before to talk at him about the plot of my fantasy books 😂 which he loathes and doesn’t find interesting at all. But I know he would pretend to be interested, he’s not a bad person and would indulge me if I started talking about it, I know it. So it wouldn’t have the desired effect and I would end up boring myself talking 😂

Does he do any of that play with toddler?

On weekends yes! Not so much play doh etc but he’ll do imaginary play like dinosaurs/princesses etc

Tell him to save it for work, when he’s got someone in the chair with a mouthful of instruments who can’t say ‘You’re boring me’?

Honestly, OP, I don’t understand why you don’t just stop him, and tell him your interest in neurology is minimal.

My dad is autistic and does this a lot too, he will randomly drone on about a certain song he enjoys listening too and will extensively research the band that performed it and just talk relentlessly about random facts that he knows about them, he also does it with other things too, I'm used to it though he's always done it but I know how frustrating it can be when it's not something you yourself are interested in , I just say "dad I don't care about it" usually shuts him up because he genuinely doesn't know it's boring people you have to tell him directly

He may be neuro-diverse but it doesn't mean you have to put up with that. Some of my adult neuro-diverse kids need a reality check every now and again!

Jesus no. You're not a bad wife if you don't want to listen to a daily two hour monologue broadcast, about any subject. No. What gave you that idea?

It doesn't matter if you're ADHD, he's ASD, whatever. It's really rude to monopolise someone's time like this, would you sit compliantly while your child spoke at you for two hours? Your boss? A friend? It's not acceptable, it's rude and ill mannered and completely disregards the other's feelings, and fails to see them as a person in their own right rather than a dump for your information.

We don't do this. It's unreasonable. Stop him immediately and say, I've got ten minutes free now to listen to this, and I'm going to set a timer, so give me the bullet points.

You married him, you didn't sell him the rights to your earholes.

Ah fair enough about the book, thankyou for explaining.

I understand, but you may have to hurt his feelings a bit here to get him to stop. He will survive! I'd prefer to be embarrassed or hurt temporarily than upset my husband regularly without knowing.

He's not regarding your feelings by banging on for hours. Please intervene firmly for your own self respect and sanity.

You've already said he would only be pretending to listen to you talk about your passions - maybe you could just pretend to listen to him. Especially its
its all Greek to you, see how he likes it

In jest, give him a cardboard cutout of yourself looking attentive and go enjoy your book

Oh, one ear in, another one out, OP.
Don't shorten your life getting angry about this crap.

Gosh this reminds me of the time my ADHD ex husband caused a huge row because I was sat quietly reading a book and not paying any interest in his hyperfixation of the moment, which was taking apart and rebuilding laptops. He was apparently very upset and offended that I didn't care about his interest and the fact that I wasn't paying any attention spoke volumes about my awful selfish character.

I think if he'd taken to monologuing at me as well I would have murdered him instead of simply divorcing him.

Sounds like cruelty, torture and would make me scream STOOOOOOOOOOP! Is he doing experiments on your brain to test how long it takes for you to explode?!

Am I the only one who wants to know what his dreams were, and what they meant? 😁

Op. I understand. This is my daily situation. So what I do is ask my husband 'do you need me to listen ? Or do you need to off load?'
NEVER EVER BECOME INTERESTED IN THEIR SPECIAL TOPIC!!! this is not a tactic to follow. All that will happen is that 1) he thinks it's ok to continue to talk at you. 2) he isn't actually interested in what you think. This is his chance to show off and talk (and talk). 3) your desire for him will just shrivel up.

Just tell him honestly. I am glad you have such a strong interest, but I cannot tolerate listening to so much of this.

Why are you wasting your life listening to him drone on for hours about something that doesn’t even interest you?!

Is this really how you want to spend your precious time on this planet???

You could make a joke of it. When he pauses for breath butt in and simply say "well enough about me..... how was your day dear?" Big smile. Make the point nicely.

His behaviour would drive me absolutely insane. I'd set a timer on his phone and give him 10 mins on the subject, he needs to be more succinct or find someone interested [or trapped in a dental chair - bet he wouldn't bore the shit out of his patients though] . Your example about talking about fantasy books is completely relevant. He shouldn't be hurt, it's not reasonable to monologue on a subject that someone has zero interest in and then be upset when they zone out.