Husband talks non stop about his interests and it’s killing me - AIBU?

[eynjln]

Ok, long story short -

my husband is a dentist but he is really interested in the brain and consciousness and dreams, so he reads a lot of books about it.

I used to love listening to him talk about his interests, but now I’m starting to lose my mind every time it comes up. He will talk AT me for 1-2 hours about what he just read about the brain, or about his dream and dissect what each aspect of his dream means. I try to engage but I have ADHD and when I get bored I zone out, I usually catch myself doing it but if I don’t he gets upset with me.

last night over dinner he spoke for 1 hour about the different parts of the brain and when I thought he was done (he hadn’t spoke for a couple minutes) I picked up my book because I wanted to finish my chapter. And he got upset with me because it seemed like I didn’t care and couldn’t wait to just get back to reading my book

which , to be honest, was true, and I really couldn’t wait to read my book

but I am trying to engage even though it bores the life out of me.. and I asked for some slack since I’d listened for over an hour..

am I being a terrible wife for feeling this way? I know I should be interested in his interests but I’m just not and I feel bad about it

The problem is, when we had our daughter we moved in together in a place where I have no friends or family. I have tried really hard to make friends it just hasn’t panned out yet. So I really have no life outside of the house, I am joining a gym soon and said maybe I could go an evening a week when I don’t have childcare (since I can go during the day on these days but otherwise I have a job and have to work), but he was abit upset about it again since that’s our time. Which I do get because I don’t see him during the day, but I’m not sure how much he wants to be with me is healthy (I have said this to him before that it’s not healthy on his part).

I struggle to understand it because I love my alone time , in fact I crave it sometimes

Yes exactly it is precious, so I understand as he has long days and misses me during the day. He’s better on weekends during the day, gives me an hour to myself in the morning to read. But sometimes I am really enjoying my book or I have extra work to do and I want to do it in the evenings if I haven’t found time. And I get that can be disappointing for him since he wants to spend it with me - but I have expressed several times we can be together without doing the same thing , for example, us both reading our books next to each other

No that's not healthy. You can't go to the gym one night a week because that's his time to talk at you uninterrupted?

Who's idea was it to move away from family and friends OP?

Record him and get AI to write a presentation of his speech. It wouldn't achieve anyth8ng but it would be funny.

Otherwise you need to tell him but raise it at a time he isn't droning on.
How is he when you socialise.

His idea - it’s where his family business is so I was fine with moving down at first, but I miss my friends and family a lot. So reading is all I really have to do tbh 😂

It’s weird, he encourages me to go out and make friends (which I do try to) or encourages me to message his girl-friends to hang out. Nothing has ever panned out yet so I haven’t seen his reaction to that. But then when it comes to me and him doing something separately, say I stay home to clean while he goes for a work with DD, or I read while he watches his shows, I want to go to the gym or a class, he doesn’t like it

I would make every effort to push back here. Join the gym, and a couple of groups locally, and go. It sounds like he has very little regard for you and your needs, and a loving supportive partner would be encouraging you to take time for yourself, outside of the home.

You're not his support human, or his posession.

IMO opinion there is very little that is more boring than listening to the detail of other people s dreams. I told my husband very early in our marriage that he is allowed one sentence to describe them and then I will switch off.

Shit..... this would bore me senseless. Op - do you have kids? Mine would have told me I was boring and they don't care about this, I would have no audience within 3 seconds of starting and would be told why.
Tell him straight, "look I find this conversation boring, sorry - I know this will upset you, but it is not my area of interest - I love you"

I would rather hear about this because I am a city fan 😂

Why can't you just say you are boring me now. You are married, can you not be blunt. Stop saying wow that's interesting as that's a lie!

We have 1 toddler!

I think maybe I should speak with him about it when he is not mid ramble. I’m just scared to do it as I feel so guilty about it as I know it will really upset him

There are several times I’ve tried to be blunt with other things and he gets very upset, and because this is somewhat harmless I wasn’t sure if I was being a dick feeling this way or if I was supposed to be interested in hearing about it.. as he seems to think so!

Agree they are just jumbled thoughts. I can wake myself up from having a nightmare by screaming in my dream which comes out as a real noise and I also have sleep terrors and my husband knows to shake me awake if he hears me start to scream , he will say the day after what were you dreaming about and its got to be amazingly horrific for me to share as it's just so boring so i usually say oh nothing exciting.

Your husband is behaving like your toddler. They both want your undivided attention and you have to feign interest in whatever they are playing/talking about. Playing with small children, particularly imaginary play, is exhausting but rewarding, however, you will need some time to yourself after your child goes to bed and at this point your husband demands your undivided attention.

He is being quite selfish. Conversation is different from listening to a monologue about something that doesn't interest you. It sounds like work rather than leisure.

Totally agree, my husband and I love just being in the same room each doing our own pursuits but in close proximity, and if we have the energy to muster conversation then we can, alot of times not atm 😅

Do you do anything for your own mental capacity? It seems like you're stuck between two extremes, the high level and the playing with mud? Do you get to learn or think about something that interests you personally?

Re him, he needs to find a group, probably online, that are interested in this. I agree with creating a video channel or website. Because "it's a waste sharing with me when you can share with the whole world!" is a big compliment 😅

I think maybe I should speak with him about it when he is not mid ramble. I’m just scared to do it as I feel so guilty about it as I know it will really upset him.

I have been in your shoes and had to seek couples counselling and we learned a better strategy to avoid him getting annoyed over him being interrupted mid-ramble, was to talk to him before he even starts his ramble. It works a treat now. I’m not saying it’s perfect but it’s definitely helped.

You'd be within your rights to be "very upset" that you're married to a man who sees you as a microphone to talk into.

I can't see where there is any room for you in this relationship, and you're on eggshells trying not to upset him? It's not somewhat harmless. It's shit. You shouldn't have to spend hours of your life listening to someone talk at you so they don't get upset! Stop tiptoeing round him, what you're asking for is really really reasonable, you can't bend yourself out of shape forever around his moods. He's controlling you otherwise.

wow OP you are WAY too nice and accommodating. He is almost abusing your good nature here!

I have much less patience with adult nonsense since having a toddler. I also feel totally wrecked by the end of the day and absolutely need my own space and time. If I were you, I would carve out two evenings a week to do things for yourself (gym, reading on your own). Make sure these days are sacrosanct and he knows he's on childcare duty for that evening. Tell him you NEED this time to stay sane and if he starts getting upset, get upset straight back at him and ask him why he's so unsupportive of yours needs after everything you've done for him, moving to be with him etc?

You can also set aside a set "date night" to make it clear you want quality time with him too. I.e. this could be a romantic meal at home or a board game night or similar if you don't want to get a babysitter in.

With your own two nights a week, you might find you're a bit better at coping with his monologues. But regardless, I'd be sitting him down and saying, "look your monologues are getting too much for me. It's not interesting for me as I'm not a fan of these topics, so it feels like you're talking at me rather than with me. How would you like it if I wanted to talk at you for an hour every few days about City matches? If you care about being a good partner, you'll distil the points you want to make down to 5 bullet points and then allow me to engage with them. Otherwise, you're not treating me as a partner but as a subordinate employee who has to listen to you "or else". Please step up and be a better partner to me, I've had enough."

Mi don't have ADHD, and would have picked up a book after being talked AT for an hour about dreams and the brain

My friend has a son a bit like this. He understood that he could be a bit much and would ask if he could talk to her about football and she would say, yes of course but only for 20 minutes. So they had boundaries around it.

So what if he is hurt that you don’t share his passion? Where would he draw the line. 2,3,4,5 hours of non stop dream analysis?

Seriously stop him or he will get worse not better.

FYI OP, my DH has a topic he is very, very passionate about too. He spends probably 12 hours a week doing related activities outside his work. He gives me a 5 min update when he comes home and I ask questions that genuinely interest me (usually more about the human side rather than the topic itself, e.g. was Mike there this evening, how's he doing after the house move?) and then we move on and talk about normal things, like our day, our child, etc. This is much more normal interaction in a marriage! Crucially, I also talk to DH about my interests and hobbies the same amount. Nobody is making a speech to anyone and we certainly wouldn't get "very upset" if the other person asked us to tone it down a bit!

It’s worrying that he doesn’t want you to go out without him. More so that you can’t even do a different activity to him while sitting beside him on the sofa! Could you point out that it’s your turn to choose the activity and then make him join in with something you like and he doesn’t- in order to make the point?

Seriously it’s not normal or ok to insist that you spend every moment outside of work together, nor that you do the same thing all the time. You’re separate people, and he needs to respect that- he doesn’t seem to see you as an individual at the moment, more as a support human for him, or an audience for his interests. No wonder you feel stifled.

My DH can be like this, I do just zone out and if he complains I will just tell him that it doesn't interest me. I will try maybe half the time to really listen and show interest but I don't have the ability to do it all the time.