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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

398 replies

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

OP posts:
Thewholeplaceglitters · 19/01/2025 07:37

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable really. That sounds like a terrible week for both of you, and a ball got dropped. Hopefully rearranging won’t be too tricky.

I’m sorry for your loss.

biscuitsandbooks · 19/01/2025 07:38

I don't think either of you are at fault here.

It sounds like a shit set of circumstances all round and a ball got dropped.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/01/2025 07:41

this is one of those things.

you’re both had a an awful week for very different reasons.

Londonrach1 · 19/01/2025 07:43

Osted inspections are hell. Tbh I don't think either of you are unreasonable .just bad timing. Sorry for your loss.

1AngelicFruitCake · 19/01/2025 07:43

Don't be hard on him, sounds like a tough time for both of you

reichs79 · 19/01/2025 07:52

Sorry for your loss.

I think neither of you are to blame. It was a combination of stressful circumstances. But i can understand why you feel so annoyed.

Mollysay · 19/01/2025 07:59

I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it.

Agreed, even if he couldn't attend the appointment to just let it pass without attempting to rearrange or let anyone know is crap. Appreciate he had a savage week as well as you, but honestly I'd be annoyed too if I'd done all of the legwork and asked this one thing. I'm sure plenty of the other teachers going through the same stresses managed to remember important appointments. That said, it's done now, you know you can't really trust him to do important things like this so hopefully you don't have to wait too long for another appointment to come through and can take him yourself.

SharpOpalNewt · 19/01/2025 08:00

I would be fuming, OP. Hope it can be rearranged.

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:06

Thanks for your replies and condolences.

It's the fact that he didn't even put it in his diary, he puts every little thing in usually and he was expecting the inspection to have finished by then. Even if Ofsted wasn't in I'm not confident he would have remembered to go without a reminder from me, which is what is frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:07

@Mollysay exactly

OP posts:
LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

pinkstripeycat · 19/01/2025 08:10

YANBU!

Nothing comes above my children and if they have an appointment, and they’ve never had anything as important as an ADHD assessment. I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else apart from getting them to the appointment especially when you’ve been waiting a year.

Hurrayakitten · 19/01/2025 08:11

I would be livid. The wait for such appointments is horrendous. He should have a least rearrange. I hope you get a new appointment soon. My local hospital would discharge after the no show. I get Ofsted is stressful but it's his DS who needs this appointment and it's been in the making so long? how on earth can you just forget this? why are so many men capable at work but cannot perform to the same level when it comes to parenting?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/01/2025 08:15

He now needs to arrange the appointment and sort this out.

I have sympathy with you both but actually, a quick call or email could have prevented the missed appointment.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 19/01/2025 08:16

You both had awful weeks so I have empathy for you both.
But it is so so hard to get ADHD assessment appointments and a reschedule could take months. I’d be pretty cross that he didn’t even phone to apologise, cancel & rebook.
that space could have gone to another child whose been waiting months.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:17

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/01/2025 08:15

He now needs to arrange the appointment and sort this out.

I have sympathy with you both but actually, a quick call or email could have prevented the missed appointment.

He won't though will he. We all know he won't. He doesn't see DS as important

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:17

I’m sorry for your loss.

As a teacher and someone who recently lost their dad whom I was incredibly close to, I can fully understand why the appointment was forgotten.

If the inspection was extended, it wasn’t going well most probably which means work would have been incredibly stressful with people frantically trying to prove whatever little thing the inspector wanted. The last time we had an inspection, the inspector finally confirmed the timetable for the following day at 9pm.

It was rubbish timing for you both and frustrating that the appointment was forgotten. I don’t think shouting at him was fair. As adults, we can be cross but that doesn’t make it okay to shout at them.

I hope you are able to rearrange without too much difficulty.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/01/2025 08:19

I'm pulling it out of nowhere but my money is on this possible scenario -

Your dh also needs an assessment for ADHD and that is why the appointment wasn't in the diary and the time wasn't rearranged when it became clear that they couldn't attend. It is also why he's acting defensively now instead of taking steps to put a solution in place.

Do you find that you need to manage all of the organising and life admin tasks for both of you?

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:19

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:17

I’m sorry for your loss.

As a teacher and someone who recently lost their dad whom I was incredibly close to, I can fully understand why the appointment was forgotten.

If the inspection was extended, it wasn’t going well most probably which means work would have been incredibly stressful with people frantically trying to prove whatever little thing the inspector wanted. The last time we had an inspection, the inspector finally confirmed the timetable for the following day at 9pm.

It was rubbish timing for you both and frustrating that the appointment was forgotten. I don’t think shouting at him was fair. As adults, we can be cross but that doesn’t make it okay to shout at them.

I hope you are able to rearrange without too much difficulty.

It wasn't even in his calendar BEFORE the extension though. He couldn't be arsed with it. If you have a family you are responsible for them you don't just drop them when work gets tough. If someone can't handle being a teacher and having kids they shouldn't have kids.

12purplepencils · 19/01/2025 08:21

i can see why you’d be upset about this.

in hindsight would it have been better for you to rearrange anyway? As was it the appointment where they get information and history from parents? Hopefully rearranging will be ok, I would explain about your bereavement.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/01/2025 08:22

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

You know absolutely NOTHING about this relationship and man other than the fact he missed one appointment during a very stressful time, and you really advise splitting up on so little information? Potentially ending what could possibly be a loving, otherwise good relationship and changing a child's life forever?!
The OP even stated it was out of character for him to not put something in the diary.

What is your relationship normally like OP? Of everything else is good I would let this one go - you both had extreme circumstances and neither one of you managed this appointment.

Odellio · 19/01/2025 08:25

YANBU and I am a teacher also.

pinkdelight · 19/01/2025 08:26

If he normally puts every little thing in his diary this was clearly an unusual oversight, which is unfortunate and annoying but it is one of those things and understandable in the unusual circumstances. I wouldn't extrapolate that he doesn't care about his kids or shouldn't be a parent or teacher. We all make mistakes. Maybe he'll be more contrite when you're past this pressure point. It sounds like a shit week for both of you and you'll get through it better by not blaming each other when no ill was intended. You don't really think he did any of it on purpose after all surely?

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:29

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:19

It wasn't even in his calendar BEFORE the extension though. He couldn't be arsed with it. If you have a family you are responsible for them you don't just drop them when work gets tough. If someone can't handle being a teacher and having kids they shouldn't have kids.

Show quote history

Said someone who has never been through the stress of an Ofsted inspection or seen the news coverage in the past year of Ruth Perry.

I’ve lost my dad and been through several inspections and can say they’re both horrendous.

Yes he should have put it in his diary - is this typical of him? We don’t know. If it is typical - why did the OP not remind him? Because she too was going through something awful.

You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve lost many good teachers who found parenting and teaching too much.

The appointment has been missed now. The OP can shout - MN can tell her to LTB and throw the typical
man accusations or they can act like grown ups and rearrange/contact the hospital and explain.

Mollysay · 19/01/2025 08:29

If he normally puts every little thing in his diary this was clearly an unusual oversight, which is unfortunate and annoying but it is one of those things and understandable in the unusual circumstances

It makes it worse he usually puts everything in his calendar, presumably he could have added it before ofsted week kicked off. I would imagine as OP has done all of the leg work he just doesn't find what he sees as wife work (even though his son is his child too) as important.

LTB is a wild overreaction thoughm