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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

398 replies

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:30

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

What a ridiculous thing to say!

Beepbeepoutoftheway · 19/01/2025 08:30

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

Have you been through an Ofsted inspection? You don't have time for a wee, let alone time to check thr diary!

Stop being so bloody judgemental.

Dearg · 19/01/2025 08:30

Sorry for your loss Op. YANBU at all. I get that your DH had additional stress, but needing you to remind him is unacceptable. He needs to put his child first.

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:31

I think he does have ADHD too, but he manages to put everything else in the diary.

It's the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered by it and instantly went on the defensive and turned it back on me.

Our DD in my opinion needs a more urgent possible autism assessment as it is affecting her school work, and DH does not even look into it. I've already started process at school but DH is not even enquired about e it, he just does not take any interest in this part of their lives.

OP posts:
Mynewnameis · 19/01/2025 08:32

I would have reminded my dh for something so important.

Like you I would be very upset. But I know ofsted is awful.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:33

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:29

Said someone who has never been through the stress of an Ofsted inspection or seen the news coverage in the past year of Ruth Perry.

I’ve lost my dad and been through several inspections and can say they’re both horrendous.

Yes he should have put it in his diary - is this typical of him? We don’t know. If it is typical - why did the OP not remind him? Because she too was going through something awful.

You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve lost many good teachers who found parenting and teaching too much.

The appointment has been missed now. The OP can shout - MN can tell her to LTB and throw the typical
man accusations or they can act like grown ups and rearrange/contact the hospital and explain.

Show quote history

I did see the news. If you can't handle a job and kids, any job and keep the kid's appointments then you need to reconsider the job.

Flipslop · 19/01/2025 08:33

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

I get your point about not putting their child first but jeez the stock answer from mumsnetters is leave your husband. There’s no other context to their marriage or the DHs parenting commitment here

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:33

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:19

It wasn't even in his calendar BEFORE the extension though. He couldn't be arsed with it. If you have a family you are responsible for them you don't just drop them when work gets tough. If someone can't handle being a teacher and having kids they shouldn't have kids.

Show quote history

We dont know that. The OP said she thinks it wasn’t in his calendar. But up to the start of this week, she was the parent going for the appointment, then she had to suddenly fly long haul so I imagine everything was chaotic. Add to that an Ofsted inspection, which comes with no notice, and I can absolutely see how this happened. Don't be so dramatic.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:34

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:31

I think he does have ADHD too, but he manages to put everything else in the diary.

It's the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered by it and instantly went on the defensive and turned it back on me.

Our DD in my opinion needs a more urgent possible autism assessment as it is affecting her school work, and DH does not even look into it. I've already started process at school but DH is not even enquired about e it, he just does not take any interest in this part of their lives.

How on earth is it your fault? I wouldn't like this at all OP. And stick by my ltb

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:34

Flipslop · 19/01/2025 08:33

I get your point about not putting their child first but jeez the stock answer from mumsnetters is leave your husband. There’s no other context to their marriage or the DHs parenting commitment here

Show quote history

He missed an appointment that they'd been waiting for for 1.5 YEARS.

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:34

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:31

I think he does have ADHD too, but he manages to put everything else in the diary.

It's the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered by it and instantly went on the defensive and turned it back on me.

Our DD in my opinion needs a more urgent possible autism assessment as it is affecting her school work, and DH does not even look into it. I've already started process at school but DH is not even enquired about e it, he just does not take any interest in this part of their lives.

Or maybe he doesn’t agree that she has autism?

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:34

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:34

He missed an appointment that they'd been waiting for for 1.5 YEARS.

Show quote history

So did she.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:35

Flipslop · 19/01/2025 08:33

I get your point about not putting their child first but jeez the stock answer from mumsnetters is leave your husband. There’s no other context to their marriage or the DHs parenting commitment here

Show quote history

The stock answer on mumsnet seems to be "oh he's a teacher..let him off"

romdowa · 19/01/2025 08:35

I wouldn't care If jesus christ was in his school that week. I'd be raging that the child missed the appointment. Yanbu op , he's really dropped the ball

Flipslop · 19/01/2025 08:36

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:34

He missed an appointment that they'd been waiting for for 1.5 YEARS.

Show quote history

Yes, that in isolation is a big issue but to slam in and say break up your family on the basis of this is ridiculous

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:37

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:34

So did she.

Show quote history

Her dad died and she arranged for the other parent to go.

Supersoakers · 19/01/2025 08:37

So sorry for your loss what a horrible time for you.
An extended OFSTED is hideously stressful.
Just to reassure you, your ds won’t be at the bottom of the list again. Ring, explain the situation and get him in making sure you go (as opposed to his dad) as it sounds like you’d be the more organised one to talk about his needs and do the required follow up, take down what they say etc

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:38

Flipslop · 19/01/2025 08:36

Yes, that in isolation is a big issue but to slam in and say break up your family on the basis of this is ridiculous

Show quote history

He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.

He's blaming OP. He's acting like a child wo can take no responsibility and doesn't seem to care about his kid.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:39

Supersoakers · 19/01/2025 08:37

So sorry for your loss what a horrible time for you.
An extended OFSTED is hideously stressful.
Just to reassure you, your ds won’t be at the bottom of the list again. Ring, explain the situation and get him in making sure you go (as opposed to his dad) as it sounds like you’d be the more organised one to talk about his needs and do the required follow up, take down what they say etc

I don't think the hospital would be happy with "dad forgot because he's a teacher and had ofsted and his job trumps his kid"

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:40

Perhaps your dh needs an ADHD assessment

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:41

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:31

I think he does have ADHD too, but he manages to put everything else in the diary.

It's the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered by it and instantly went on the defensive and turned it back on me.

Our DD in my opinion needs a more urgent possible autism assessment as it is affecting her school work, and DH does not even look into it. I've already started process at school but DH is not even enquired about e it, he just does not take any interest in this part of their lives.

So this is the tip of the iceberg

shit dad
unhappy marriage

Completelyjo · 19/01/2025 08:42

Honestly if it was agreed that DH was taking one of our kids to an appointment then I wouldn’t have that in my diary. If something happened quite last minute to change that and there wasn’t a discussion about the appointment and the me now taking the child I probably wouldn’t remember. Now then there’s your situation with an incredibly stressful week in work and the awful time of the funeral. I just think it’s one of those things and no one is really to blame.

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:42

Your DS is 16?

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:42

To be completely honest, I could have reminded him and I usually would have for something even less important, but I also forgot with everything else going on last week. I'm kicking myself too and I feel awful about it.

OP posts:
Mollysay · 19/01/2025 08:43

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:35

The stock answer on mumsnet seems to be "oh he's a teacher..let him off"

Show quote history

I think it's more lots of people have a very very low bar for men and will make any excuse as to why they aren't in the wrong. The poster saying OP also missed the appointment is wild- yes she did, but her dad died and she asked another capable and competent adult to take their child to the appointment; what more could she have done? Why should someone who adds everything else into their calendar require a reminder from someone?