to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

[DataColour]

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

Nope it would be better for DH to phone and explain the bereavement and he can decide if he wants to explain how his career comes first.

Your Dad just died. You are entitled to drop all the balls. You would expect that he would pick them up for you.

but he has never shown any interest in the children so I wouldn’t expect a thing of this useless man

I would leave it to DH. he fudged it to. let him fix it. If they put you back to the end of the queue or you need to be re-referred, I would ask DH to sort it out privately. He needs to learn to prioritise his DC.

People who work in hospitals do understand missed appointments. I liaise with lots of them for mh and neurodivergence and several of the families of the SEN kids I work with miss appts despite my reminders. Particularly with ADHD lots of parents probably have the same difficulties.

Ffs

I'm aware people miss appointments and the staff understand people miss appointments but his excuse is a shit one

You do it. He will just muck it up again somehow. Don’t even mention him and why he didn't, unless they specifically ask. Be very apologetic, explain what happened, offer to provide proof (if you have any) and fingers crossed they are understanding and can rearrange. Worst case scenario, the missed appointment bumped you off the list completely and you need to start it all over again.

It’s an inspection. Nothing to do with career progression or getting to feel important.

Good grief this is mumsnet at its finest.

How do you cope with life if you react like this at an argument? Or is it just what you tell other people to do?

"Particularly with ADHD lots of parents probably have the same difficulties."

That's very true.
Getting to an appointment on time requires executive functioning that a lot of ADHD patients (both kids and parents) would struggle with.
I'm sure it happens all the time.

I’m not a teacher and an “inspection” really holds bugger all sway with me

There’s a mega back story

this is a horrible DH
and a terrible father indeed even on this thread the op says he’s never shown any interest

Everything in this comment is unacceptable. This man sounds like a shit father.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

ofsted were in my work for a week in October last year and it was incredibly stressful.
Day 3 my ADHD child was suspended from school and I had to prioritise them as my child…. work were not happy at all but they also recognised that I had no choice.

your DH should have prioritised your dc. Ofsted inspections are a nightmare but they are not the only thing in the world when they’re happening.

So?
(There’s no need for the inverted commas by the way. It actually is an inspection)

Sadly, @DataColour , you have to accept that anything affecting or relating to your children - and yourself - will be up to you. He'll never be bothered enough to pull his weight.

So, in your shoes, I'd focus on the children. But he'd fall hugely in my estimation, and the relationship will most likely be damaged. He won't change - this is who he is.

So someone ring up and say it was an inspection - like that would have me do anything differently - would fall on deaf ears

I’d say “and?”

Yes, definitely do it yourself.
Don't leave anything medical up to him.

@LegoBingo are you ok? Because this is a really disproportionate response and you seem very agitated.

I work in a children’s hospital. We’d totally understand a bereavement and ofsted being massive stressors that could lead to DNA.

OP, the waitlist is massive so what I would suggest doing is calling up regularly to ask for cancellations, to hopefully get your DS seen in the near future. Also, if you suspect both your teens have SEN, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that this is true of your DH also.

OP is your DH actually in agreement with the assessment? There are a lot of mixed feelings about the rise in diagnosis of ADHD in kids and as a teacher your DH may have thoughts and opinions that are in conflict with yours but he hasn’t felt able or willing to fully voice? Is this perhaps why he hasn’t been involved with the assessment process?

Not saying it’s fair of him to just avoid it all but sometimes if one parent is very set on something it can be really hard to discuss it?

But yes he should have put it in his diary and phoned them to rearrange. He can do that now can’t he and try to rebook it.

LegoBingo silly* *overreaction, or assume it was a joke.

Op, I get you are frustrated and probably annoyed with yourself for also forgetting. I don't take the same view as you as a couple should be working as a team and that often means one person "leads" on some areas. You both have had an awful week so rather than blame and turn on each other look for a solution. Talk to the assessors and see what can be done.

YANBU at all, I would be furious. He's a teacher, why isn't he prioritising something so important for his own DC's education?

And the child misses their appointment I guess. Well done.

I really hope all teachers aren't actually like this in real life and mumsnet just attracts a certain type of teacher. Threads involving teachers on here blow my mind.

Sorry for your loss and that the appointment was missed.

Having worked in a school, it is unlikely that the school would have allowed him out anyway if there are follow ups regarding Ofsted. Pretty shitty, but some schools are like that.
I agree he should have called to cancel and rearrange the appointment, though I think as I don't like to miss out, I think I would have rearranged the appointment for when I was available.