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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

398 replies

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

OP posts:
HipToTheHopDontStop · 21/01/2025 07:55

DoggoQuestions · 20/01/2025 23:17

Except it is true. He wouldn't have been granted leave in almost any school during an inspection.

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult. Ofsted inspections are brutal. All encompassing and drain you of the ability to think of anything else for those 72 hours.

And how could he have rescheduled if the cancellation line is only viable between 9-5 and he's working and not able to use his phone?

It's a shit situation all round. But the appointment has been rearranged so time to move on.

Show quote history

No, it's bollocks, and no it's not equally difficult. And he could have rescheduled any day on his lunch, after school had finished....what are you talking about, 9 to 5?

Of course he absolutely could have gone to a vital pre-booked appointment for his child. You know it as much as I do

Thereisalways1 · 21/01/2025 10:16

DoggoQuestions · 20/01/2025 23:17

Except it is true. He wouldn't have been granted leave in almost any school during an inspection.

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult. Ofsted inspections are brutal. All encompassing and drain you of the ability to think of anything else for those 72 hours.

And how could he have rescheduled if the cancellation line is only viable between 9-5 and he's working and not able to use his phone?

It's a shit situation all round. But the appointment has been rearranged so time to move on.

Show quote history

No the loss of a parent is not equally difficult as an inspection! The lose of a parent is earth shatteringly heartbreaking and to say there is a comparison is astonishing.

He could have requested his DM to call and reschedule. Especially since she believes woman should baby their partners/husbands and not expect them to adult.

His inability to carry out this one thing for OP during such a difficult time for her, had a negative affect on both his DS and others. It’s all very well saying the appointment has been rescheduled but that does not mitigate the fact that another child then missed out on that appointment. It’s not just the missed appointment, it’s the inability of OP’s DH to actually acknowledge why OP is upset.

@DataColour I am delighted you managed to get your appointment rescheduled. I hope your DS gets the help he needs. Again I am so sorry for your loss, please be kind to yourself.

XiCi · 21/01/2025 11:01

DoggoQuestions · 20/01/2025 23:17

Except it is true. He wouldn't have been granted leave in almost any school during an inspection.

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult. Ofsted inspections are brutal. All encompassing and drain you of the ability to think of anything else for those 72 hours.

And how could he have rescheduled if the cancellation line is only viable between 9-5 and he's working and not able to use his phone?

It's a shit situation all round. But the appointment has been rearranged so time to move on.

Show quote history

I cannot believe that anyone would say that a work inspection is equally as difficult as the death of a parent. What the actual fuck.

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 11:29

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult.

Please say this is a joke, surely no one can actually think is.

HipToTheHopDontStop · 21/01/2025 14:57

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 11:29

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult.

Please say this is a joke, surely no one can actually think is.

Teachers quite often seem to think they have the hardest jobs in the whole world, ever....

arcticpandas · 21/01/2025 15:03

I feel for you @DataColour . It's not just about this appointment, It's about you constantly bearing the mental load for everything concerning your children. In my family that role is on me, BUT I'm a sahm so it's logic. One of our DC is autistic and has been partly home schooled for a couple of years (by me). Luckily I do not work because I know my DH would have been crap at keeping up with the children's needs and I would have resented him and we would have divorced. It's not fair for women to work AND be the only obe responsable for the children.

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 16:37

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 11:29

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult.

Please say this is a joke, surely no one can actually think is.

Pretty sure Ruth Perry felt it was.

How insulting to her memory to suggest it's a joke.

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 16:39

HipToTheHopDontStop · 21/01/2025 07:55

No, it's bollocks, and no it's not equally difficult. And he could have rescheduled any day on his lunch, after school had finished....what are you talking about, 9 to 5?

Of course he absolutely could have gone to a vital pre-booked appointment for his child. You know it as much as I do

Show quote history

He would not have been able to use his phone during lunch or after school once they'd received "the call" in many schools. Would depend on the school but it's entirely possible there was no opportunity to call to cancel.

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 16:41

HipToTheHopDontStop · 21/01/2025 14:57

Teachers quite often seem to think they have the hardest jobs in the whole world, ever....

Show quote history

Or they just recognise that a process that has pushed people to suicide, could possibly be the reason someone has dropped the ball.

Bugaloo77 · 21/01/2025 16:55

I know exactly what you mean. My husband is exactly the same and if I don’t put it on the calendar then it doesn’t get written down and even when it is on the calendar he still ‘forgets’ as he ‘forgets’ to look at the calendar.
I can’t get to mad though as he is diagnosed and medicated ADHD. Even in his medication he ‘forgets’ and now just think it’s his nature.
I now message him with dates as I get them then remind him the day before and the day of the appointments.

fairycakes1234 · 21/01/2025 17:40

He messed up but he's not a bollix and didn't kill anyone

XiCi · 21/01/2025 19:44

No one in their right mind would compare being audited for a couple of days every few years at work to the pain of losing their father. Absolute madness. Love the way that poster didn't acknowledge that they'd said something ridiculous but instead doubled down on it. Great attribute for a teacher 🙄

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 19:54

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 16:37

Pretty sure Ruth Perry felt it was.

How insulting to her memory to suggest it's a joke.

Show quote history

How vile of you. No one is saying Oftsed isn't stressful, but it's not the same as losing a parent. By your disrespectful example plenty of people cannot cope with the loss of a loved one and die by suicide, it doesn't prove anything.

fairycakes1234 · 21/01/2025 20:01

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 19:54

How vile of you. No one is saying Oftsed isn't stressful, but it's not the same as losing a parent. By your disrespectful example plenty of people cannot cope with the loss of a loved one and die by suicide, it doesn't prove anything.

Edited
Show quote history

Its disgusting, talk about trying to justify herself and thats what she comes up with

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 20:43

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 19:54

How vile of you. No one is saying Oftsed isn't stressful, but it's not the same as losing a parent. By your disrespectful example plenty of people cannot cope with the loss of a loved one and die by suicide, it doesn't prove anything.

Edited
Show quote history

Explicitly said it wasn't the same as a family bereavement. I actually said exactly what you've just said. It's not the same. But can be equally stressful.

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 20:45

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 20:43

Explicitly said it wasn't the same as a family bereavement. I actually said exactly what you've just said. It's not the same. But can be equally stressful.

Show quote history

It's not equally as stressful ffs.

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 20:48

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 20:45

It's not equally as stressful ffs.

Show quote history

Not to everybody. But it is to some. Do you know the OPs DH or how he handles stress?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/01/2025 20:52

I would be furious, but I'm sure his limits with work were beyond his control to a degree. But, I still would be really angry as it seems like he didn't even TRY to go.

It's exhausting carrying the mental load all the time. I do it too, remember that my DD needs to pull her finger out and put her 6th form application in, that DS has his options evening coming up, that DD2 has cooking, that I'm away for work so what needs to be covered.

Don't get me wrong, DH picks up the load. He will take DS to swimming training most weeks, he will do school drop off/pick up if they're not cycling, he'll cook dinner and sort cars but I still have to remind him that it needs doing!

Maxorias · 21/01/2025 20:56

Didnt rtft but OP I'd be livid.

He was in charge of the appointment. He knew this. Don't understand why people say "neither are to blame". The H was supposed to get to the appointment, not OP. He's to blame.

Wonder what people would say if it was the mom who'd "forgotten" the appointment. Dads do seem to get a pass for very minimal levels of parenting.

If he'd been at risk of losing his job for going and had to reschedule, fair enough. But it sounds like it wasn't even on his radar.

Maxorias · 21/01/2025 21:00

Op so glad to see you were able to reschedule !

Don't kick yourself for "not reminding him". Why on earth should you have to remind him ? Either he's an equal parent, and he can remember on his own, or he's not, and the only thing you should ask yourself is whether that dead weight is really worth it.

FizzlesFirst · 22/01/2025 07:25

@DataColour so sorry for your loss, and glad you were able to reschedule.
I highly recommend you both download the Timetree calendar app. Me and my DH use this, it's a shared calendar so you can both see any appointments that the other puts in, plus it gives reminders as notifications. Might help taken the mental load off you. X

HipToTheHopDontStop · 22/01/2025 07:52

DoggoQuestions · 21/01/2025 20:48

Not to everybody. But it is to some. Do you know the OPs DH or how he handles stress?

Show quote history

Being unable to handle stress doesn't mean it's as stressful.
Her dad died. He had work stuff. It's ridiculous and insulting to even begin to put them in the same ballpark.

Elly46 · 22/01/2025 10:05

You both had stressful weeks so I can see how this can happen but as the mum of an Sen child myself I know how hard these appointments are to come by and how much effort goes in to even getting them to agree to assess.

It’s so important that DH should have prioritised this more.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father

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