Page 15 | to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

CraftyYankee · 20/01/2025 18:44

If your DH has ADHD he may be experiencing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This isn't an excuse but it does lead to difficulty admitting when you've done something wrong.

JessicaRabbit6 · 20/01/2025 18:52

1.5 years for adhd assessment is a good wait. They should hopefully re-arrange this if you call
snd explain what happened to your father x

HipToTheHopDontStop · 20/01/2025 19:06

CraftyYankee · 20/01/2025 18:44

If your DH has ADHD he may be experiencing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This isn't an excuse but it does lead to difficulty admitting when you've done something wrong.

Christ, that's a new one. Is there any behaviour left that has been pathologised and labelled? (I say this as the parent of multiple ND children).

fairycakes1234 · 20/01/2025 19:14

.

fairycakes1234 · 20/01/2025 19:15

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:09

He doesn't seem to see your DS as important. I'd split up and then you can focus on DS without the hope of any support from your DH. Hopefully he can manage some sort of weekend contact.

Are you trying to be funny?

BlueFlowers5 · 20/01/2025 19:17

I'd write a letter to the consultant explaining your unforseen circumstances and assuring them you do want an appointment and apols for missing last week's appt without giving notice.

Good luck.

Chattygirl123 · 20/01/2025 19:17

Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss. You have both been through a tough time. As an ex-teacher I'd give him a bit of sympathy. Ofsted is hell and you haven't time to think of anything else when they are in school. I can also see your pov. Glad you got another appointment.

Xmasxrackers · 20/01/2025 19:19

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

OP we are currently 1.5 years in for our DS assessment. I would have been livid if my DH had not made it to the appointment. I’m actually furious on your behalf

Xmasxrackers · 20/01/2025 19:21

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:42

To be completely honest, I could have reminded him and I usually would have for something even less important, but I also forgot with everything else going on last week. I'm kicking myself too and I feel awful about it.

Do not feel bad for not reminding him! He is DS parent too and even worse a teacher and so he should absolutely understand how important this is!

Nikki75 · 20/01/2025 19:23

It's a rubbish time for you , no-one is being unreasonable things like this happen .
I know it's frustrating both of you are stressed .
Your better to come together and a new appointment be made for your son you need each other right now.

Orangeandpinknails · 20/01/2025 19:33

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/01/2025 08:15

He now needs to arrange the appointment and sort this out.

I have sympathy with you both but actually, a quick call or email could have prevented the missed appointment.

See why is the woman always the one who should have "dropped a quick message to remind the man" OP told her husband once, she shouldn't have had to remind him again.. its his son too, and OP had done all the leg work! Also, lost her dad! As if she had the head space to remind him and why should she have to

Mirabai · 20/01/2025 20:46

Orangeandpinknails · 20/01/2025 19:33

See why is the woman always the one who should have "dropped a quick message to remind the man" OP told her husband once, she shouldn't have had to remind him again.. its his son too, and OP had done all the leg work! Also, lost her dad! As if she had the head space to remind him and why should she have to

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Quite. DH writing the date in his diary would above prevented this.

He could have dropped a quick message to his wife: “NB I’m taking DS for his assessment tomorrow, I will report back.”

BlueSilverCats · 20/01/2025 21:02

DataColour · 20/01/2025 12:53

I got an appointment! End of Feb so not too long to wait.
I thought they'd say no as they asked me if we had called to cancel. But once I explained about my dad and apologised profusely they were sympathetic and called me back with a slot.
I'm glad I didn't leave it to DH.
but it's tiring bearing the mental load for such things.

Edited

So glad you managed to get it sorted and it's only waiting until Feb.

BlueSilverCats · 20/01/2025 21:03

Seabreeze18 · 20/01/2025 17:57

This comes down to the typical thing- man looks out for himself and work, women does everything else! Man with women away = bare minimum effort! Not ok! No excuses!

And so many posters feeling sorry for him because he had to work AND parent because his wife was away.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/01/2025 21:30

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:17

I’m sorry for your loss.

As a teacher and someone who recently lost their dad whom I was incredibly close to, I can fully understand why the appointment was forgotten.

If the inspection was extended, it wasn’t going well most probably which means work would have been incredibly stressful with people frantically trying to prove whatever little thing the inspector wanted. The last time we had an inspection, the inspector finally confirmed the timetable for the following day at 9pm.

It was rubbish timing for you both and frustrating that the appointment was forgotten. I don’t think shouting at him was fair. As adults, we can be cross but that doesn’t make it okay to shout at them.

I hope you are able to rearrange without too much difficulty.

I think that she's done so much to get this far for her kids support (have you been through this?) and the fact that the appointment wasn't in his diary to remind him is extremely frustrating but she is also grieving. Emotions are huge for her so I think she could have some slack considering his slackness to his child's mental health development

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/01/2025 21:33

JessicaRabbit6 · 20/01/2025 18:52

1.5 years for adhd assessment is a good wait. They should hopefully re-arrange this if you call
snd explain what happened to your father x

Agree.
I'm sure they'll show compassion and you'll be able to reschedule.
Does your DH acknowledge that your DS is ND?
My DP is mostly in denial about our DS and it's not unusual apparently for the dad to not get it or not want to get it.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/01/2025 21:34

Just read you are being seen in Feb @DataColour . Great work. Make sure you have some self care time now if you can x

Julimia · 20/01/2025 21:42

I think you did overreact but absolutely understandable. DH will have had no say in the matter as to whether he could take him in view of OFSTEDs presence. You've both had dreadful times, of different sorts, support each other now. Go back to appointment source explain and see what happens.

JessicaRabbit6 · 20/01/2025 22:18

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/01/2025 21:33

Agree.
I'm sure they'll show compassion and you'll be able to reschedule.
Does your DH acknowledge that your DS is ND?
My DP is mostly in denial about our DS and it's not unusual apparently for the dad to not get it or not want to get it.

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omg, why are they in such denial? And the inlaws

HipToTheHopDontStop · 20/01/2025 22:21

Julimia · 20/01/2025 21:42

I think you did overreact but absolutely understandable. DH will have had no say in the matter as to whether he could take him in view of OFSTEDs presence. You've both had dreadful times, of different sorts, support each other now. Go back to appointment source explain and see what happens.

That's not true, he could have gone. He definitely could have rescheduled it.

A work inspection isn't the same thing as a family death. They're not equally difficult.

DoggoQuestions · 20/01/2025 23:17

HipToTheHopDontStop · 20/01/2025 22:21

That's not true, he could have gone. He definitely could have rescheduled it.

A work inspection isn't the same thing as a family death. They're not equally difficult.

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Except it is true. He wouldn't have been granted leave in almost any school during an inspection.

A work inspection isn't the same as a family death, no. But can be equally difficult. Ofsted inspections are brutal. All encompassing and drain you of the ability to think of anything else for those 72 hours.

And how could he have rescheduled if the cancellation line is only viable between 9-5 and he's working and not able to use his phone?

It's a shit situation all round. But the appointment has been rearranged so time to move on.

Phthia · 20/01/2025 23:42

The school would have had to accommodate illness or other personal crises, so it's clearly possible. There are some fairly major discrimination issues in refusing to allow time off to enable an employee to take their child for a vitally important medical appointment.

Codlingmoths · 20/01/2025 23:53

Phthia · 20/01/2025 23:42

The school would have had to accommodate illness or other personal crises, so it's clearly possible. There are some fairly major discrimination issues in refusing to allow time off to enable an employee to take their child for a vitally important medical appointment.

This. It’s not leave by choice and the school don’t get to decide whether to grant it or not.

Cariadm · 21/01/2025 01:45

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

I'm sorry but it occurred to me that it sounds like maybe your DH is not actually taking the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis for your DS at all seriously, maybe he doesn't really believe it's an actual 'thing' as many people don't? 🙄
He maybe hasn't raised this with you or been honest about his opinion and although this can only be speculation, he maybe did remember the appointment but chose to prioritise his own work pressures instead then just saying he 'forgot' as he simply did not consider it to be that important but doesn't want to say that? 🤔
Personally I would have been absolutely mad as hell with him and although you don't mention how old your son is in the OP I may have missed it elsewhere, surely he must be aware of what happened and it's sad that your DH doesn't appear to be bothered about (a) missing the appointment and (b) letting your son down and him knowing this...😢
Please forgive me if I have got this completely wrong but the often seen and heard of male attitude and assumption that it's fine to prioritise their own needs above those who depend on them and are supposed to care for makes me absolutely rage!!! 😡

JJMama · 21/01/2025 07:06

pinkstripeycat · 19/01/2025 08:10

YANBU!

Nothing comes above my children and if they have an appointment, and they’ve never had anything as important as an ADHD assessment. I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else apart from getting them to the appointment especially when you’ve been waiting a year.

Exactly this. I work in a school and as much as I am there for all the children in my care, none of them come above my own. I also know how difficult it is to get an ADHD/Autism assessment, so that is extremely frustrating. I’d be most annoyed that the message your child is hearing is that he’s second place (at best).

That said, is it possible your husband has ADHD himself, making it likely he will struggle with things such as appointments?