Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

That's bizarre and yes I agree if someone has savings they shouldn't ask others.

If she brings it up again, say you can't give or lend money because you need to plan for your own future after losing your partner.

Find a counsellor to do some bereavement counselling with. It doesn't sound like you have processed a lot of your emotions yet.

Your friend is a BELLEND! You are not being unreasonable to say no, and i hope you stick to it.

Really sorry for your loss. Sounds like work has been a welcome distraction ❤️

Just say no.

If you help her out you're giving her the message that she can continue to ask.

YANBU. Don't start to go down that road of giving her money.

I’d send her a message roughly saying ‘ I have no idea why you think I’m in a position to help you out financially , I am not and please do not spoil our friendship by asking again ‘ . It may mean you lose her as a friend , which would probably be a win . Sorry for your loss 💐

To be honest its unreasonable to ask, whether she has savings or not. I don't know anyone that would ask their friends for thousands of pounds, for anything. Yanbu and I'd be very wary of this friend going forward, as someone so entitled is likely to take advantage of you in other ways (expect you to pick up the tab when you go out etc)

Next time you see her just say I am not sure if you were joking about your IVF comment but I have to make it clear I have no funds towards it

Then change the subject. If she continues just say I didn’t get anything from the estate and my work pay for my trips to the states I have no spare money

Dear Cheeky,
I am very happy for you that you can afford this treatment. However I am not now nor ever will be in a position to help you financially. I hope that makes things clear

She wouldn’t be my friend anymore after a request for money, regardless of what it was for, your partner died for goodness sake and only two years ago. Two years is nothing for a close bereavement.

I think this would be the perfect way to handle things, if needs be.

The cheeky fucker!

It's cheeky to ask, but when she has savings is another level of vileness.

Tell her NO!

It’s unbelievably inappropriate and crass of her to ask you, and in no circumstances should you give her any money.

She’s shown herself to be less of a friend for asking, so don’t feel you have to tread gently.

Grossly opportunistic and insensitive of her.

Shockingly insensitive of her x

Really really strange of her to ask!!
What on earth.

That said, there would be some situations in which I would financially help a friend have a baby. If I could.

Maybe she's going through a bit of a MH struggle and her thoughts are all over the place. If she's a good friend maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

She should not have asked as she has savings but as it’s a two part process I understand why she did. I would pay for my best friend if she had no other option. She just messed up by assuming you were wealthy enough that £5k would be affordable for you.

"so let's just wait and see."

WTAH!!!
I think you need to nip this in the bud now or else she will then come back and ask, then blame you at a later date for destroying her dream.

Dear Ridiculous, CF

I'm glad you gave sorted out the treatment .
Just to be clear I am unable now or in the future to lend you any money to fund IVF.

Bw Op

She's so focused on having a DC that she's lost sight of your bereavement, she's treating your loss as some sort of windfall. She doesn't even want a loan, she expects it as a gift. Be blunt, they'll be no money from you and I'm amazed she would even ask

This is a good message. Wtf? Why is it your job to pay for her IVF? Egg freezing is a waste of money anyway unless she has them fertilised by donor sperm to create an embryo. So she’d be better off using her savings just trying to get pregnant by a donor which is ethically dubious as the child won’t know their dad but lots of people do it.

Tell her to get to fuck. She isn’t a friend. She’s a user.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your "friend" is trying to use your loss for her financial advantage.

I got approached by a couple people for money after my husband died even before his estate had been settled. Some people think there might be big insurance payouts and some people try to take advantage of your grief. Unfortunately, this is a time when you find out who your real friends are and who are vultures.

If she can't afford the freezing or IVF, how is she going to afford to raise a child? YANBU

She sounds completely dreadful and insensitive. Has she been supportive to you following your partner's death?

I can't believe that she would make this request of a grieving friend. Her reproductive choices are not your responsibility and you need to say a firm 'no' regarding funding her egg freezing and IVF.

If this causes you to lose a friend, she wasn't worth having in the first place.

Absolutely not!

Egg freezing = Maybe if necessary & for a limited time assuming it was something she was in the process of doing

IVF = no

Either way though you don't agree to anything "in advance" or indefinitely least of all somebody's £20k+ project

(Also sorry to hear about your husband but I just have very strict opinions on the actual question)

So you would like me to take out money from my savings so you don’t have to take out from your savings?
I don’t understand?

Tell her your money is tied up and you can't loan her any. Have a reply ready for when she asks again.

She's got a cheek.