Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

Your friend is horrendous. This is not something you should be funding for her, it’s completely inappropriate for her to just assume you can afford it.

and most importantly does she know what your own feeling are on having children. If you want them but are potentially missing out too due to the death of your husband who you then she is incredibly inconsiderate.

Woah there @Startinganew32 , please rein your judgement @Startinganew32

The world is over populated enough and there are children in care who need support. It would be better if she helps children without a family to care for them, than creating new children in an unstable environment.

That's selfish to purposely create a child so they don't know their biological background.

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. Grief has no timeline, please be gentle with yourself. Grief counselling might really help, in case you haven't tried that already.

I'm also so sorry that your "friend" was so insensitive and selfish and demanding..... It sounds like she is really struggling with her situation and can't see beyond her own nose right now. Whether you were wealthy or not, that doesn't make her entitled to anything. She seems very manipulative to try and twist this into something 'to benefit you'. She doesn't seem to know you well (assumptions about work travel and finance) or even care about you (her behaviour is horrendous... The life is short comment, how insensitive!!!) so although I think - in theory - helping a close friend with their fertility journey could be a beautiful thing, she does NOT seem like a good candidate for your support.

I don't have experience of partner loss, but if it helps with perspective: I got fixated on my unplanned childlessness at her age, and it definitely made me go a bit crazy / lost my judgement (not to the extent that I expected others to fund my treatment though!). A counsellor told me that infertility is classed as grief by therapists. This actually really helped me to deal with it, and I was able to make peace with my situation eventually. Maybe your friend has been told the same and so thinks you've got a bond, which in her eyes legitimises her massive overstep?

So in summary: Yes, infertility is hard. She might be in the thick of it and her judgement is twisted up. But you are also in the thick of it, following the loss of your partner - and her predatory assumptions, sense of entitlement and manipulation of you is NOT ok. YANBU. I'm sorry you lost a friendship, but it sounds like she wasn't a good friend.

Sending you love and healing and only the best people in your life xxxx

Brass neck, she's got. If you are a billionaire, the money is yours. Why does she not try to have children the normal way, anyway? Please tell her that you will not support her. There is no need to give her a reason. If she quarrels with you over this, then she was never a friend, anyway, but a limpet. What she is saying is 'Your husband is dead so you will not have children, so pony up, so I can.'

Wow! I mean wtf!
just have to be honest, if you don’t feel able to do so face to face or on FaceTime just email, message and explain it’s just not possible for you to personally help with. You don’t have to make any apologies here at all.
probably easier in writing and explain you’d happily support them in their journey but just not that way etc

I’m not defending this OP friends request at all but when you get to that point you are consumed and feel that aching loss you aren’t pregnant and desperately want a child it’s not an emotion you can turn off, if she’s realised now she’s single, at a certain age and potentially not expecting to meet someone and looking at other options is the only way but you can’t expect that to be funded by your friends like that. It’s not the right way at all but when I was trying for years to conceive , with a long term partner at the time, maybe she’s asking for financial support not so much for financial support if she has savings but maybe for someone to do the journey with her?
but again she’s gone the wrong way about it and I’m not defending her asking but maybe there’s more to that request that’s not just financial? Just a thought

Just to point out my 2nd post was after my initial WTF response and was trying to look at it as a woman just naturally craving to be a mum and we or most of us have been there and it’s not always a simple journey even with a partner

Glad she’s not my dentist

your friend is obviously going through something too. Maybe she contacted you as she thought you’d understand?
just out of interest if you don’t have kids and aren’t planning to get pregnant at the moment why so many posts on Mumsnet?

I don’t think anyone ever sees it as ‘ you just get a load of cash’ after someone dies.’
is that how you see it?

She actually said live is too short!!! Omg has she no shame.
the thing it if you paid for egg donation then she would be back for the ivf. Then she would need stuff for when the baby is born, then she will prob want to sent it to private school
it would never end.

My DH and I are currently looking at a critical illness payout as he has been diagnosed with MS. It’s enough to pay off the mortgage and have some left over. That money is to help us through whatever may come in the future. We may have a holiday with Dd as well.

We are not telling in-laws or they and my sister in law would be all over us for money. My parents however would not take it even if we offered it. Guess who has the amazing pensions and has come into heaps of money from relatives- hint- it’s not my parents.

Not everyone here is a mum. Some of us come on here to connect with the ideas of other women.

I think you dodged a bullet. If I read it correctly, she also wanted you to give her money to raise the child. I am sorry, but that's just batshit crazy.

She should just go to a sperm bank and make a withdrawal if she wants a child that badly.

Just as an additional note - there's an article in today's Guardian, which I read online, about the increase in 'mate-crime': friends taking financial advantage of others. It's worth reading to reassure yourself that you're not being unreasonable.

UPDATE: Thank you for all your responses.

Just wanted to inform (if anyone is interested) that my friend stopped talking to me and never responded to any messages. My messages were general messages - nothing to do with money/IVF - but no response. She's posting online, so I know she is ok/safe/well.

Guess that's that!

(I, of course, hope she's ok and hope her dreams come true).

Well, I'd see that as confirmation that I'd made the right decision.

Oh of course - right decision indeed. Still sad nevertheless that the friendship soured. But I still only want good things for her.

CF user.
Bullet dodged OP.

I'm so sorry she's done this OP.

Natural to feel upset but I don't think you can have any regrets. What was the alternative? Go along with any request she made? She made the request, you said no, how she reacts is up to her. You never know, she might think on it and realise she was unreasonable and it might put your friendship on a healthier footing if she decides to contact you. And that's only if you wanted anything to do with her.

That 'mate crime' article is really interesting.