Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

This. Although I'd be tempted to use these exact words as I think they are excellent.

You're friend has behaved very badly in asking you for money.

That's weird. I have friends who are very well off but that's their business and I wouldn't dream of asking them for money

Wow entitled isn't she?
Nip this in the bud now or it will fester and ruin your friendship anyway...
Hi friend, glad you have got savings to cover your wish to ttc... Sadly I can't help as nobody knows what's round the corner and my money has to last...
Best wishes and good luck with it all!
Op

Given her subsequent message, I think you need to set her straight OP. Uncomfortable as it may be, I'd just reply and say "hope it all goes OK for you. Just fyi though, I don't have any money to lend/give you for IVF so probably best to think of some other plans for it"

Or something to that effect. You don't want her coming back in a few years and saying that she thought you'd implicitly agreed to.help

This is weird. So she has savings but asks other people to finance her. I would be wary of her going forwards and definitely not lend her any money.

To slide out of it, you could say (vaguely) that your funds are tied up and you'd have to ask your financial advisers. If she persists, you can say 'Sorry, they're not keen.' Or even that, for them, it would have to be a proper, organised loan over 5 years at normal rate of interest.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP ❤️

How insensitive of your friend to ask for money. I'd ask her why she thought you could afford to help her.

I agree that your friend is being bizarre and unfair in asking you for money in this way. I think it would be fine for you to politely tell her that you don't want her to ask this of you again.

But my reply here is more motivated by your general sense of grief, loss and confusion. You are still deep in bereavement, and that plus the admin stresses you mention is an awful lot to deal with.

My own experience of a bad bereavement has left me with a very generalised sense of confusion and numbness. Everything feels out of kilter and strange, like coming into a film halfway through where everyone but you understands the plot.

I think you do have to take particular care of yourself. Probably without meaning to , your friend is at risk of getting something from you not as the result of an authentic choice on your part but as a result of the confusions of bereavement.

I hope that you have had some counselling already and/or that you are able to think about doing this in the future. If you do have any spare cash for healthcare/medical-style expenses it is your needs, not your friend's needs that the money should be spent on

EDIT: Just to add, I do think you sjhould be pretty direct with her, since she had overstepped so much. Something like "I wish you all the best with this [friend] but I don't really think it is appropriate for me to be helping you finance it. Please don't ask me again."

What a bizarre thing to do to someone dealing with bereavement. To see you as a cash machine. I would be saying a clear no.

I’d just text back, I’m glad you’ve been able to find this from your own savings. Just so that you are aware, I do not have spare funds to either loan or give you for IVF in the future. Good luck with the egg freezing.

I don’t think this person is your friend and I’d be very wary of them. Has she perchance become a lot more interested since your partner passed away?

No, don't send this.

It admits you have money kicking around and she'll keep asking / guilt tripping you.

Send something as mentioned by @Floralnomad that you're not in any financial position to help and not to spoil the friendship by asking again.

I agree that I think you need to respond now, or else your silence could be taken for tacit approval, and later if/when she asks about funding IVF she could say she incurred the first costs thinking you would pay the second ones.

Dear Sarah,
Thanks for your message, it sounds like you’ve making some big decisions about difficult things right now. I understand how that can be. My recent bereavement has changed a lot of things for me and I am still working through all the emotions.

in relation to your inquiries about lending money, I think it’s important to tell you now that I don’t ever lend money to friends. An old rule I have after reading Hamlet at school (never a borrower or lender be!). I thought you might already know this, as it’s been a long standing rule of mine, but if not, whilst I know you aren’t asking for anything now, good to have it clear between us.

Hope all goes well for your procedure, if you decide to go ahead with it, and let’s catch up for coffee sometime next week. Let me know when you are free.

I agree with this^ especially to be watchful about joint spendings with her. It sounds like she wants to take advantage of you.

I also think that you need to nip it in the bud straight away for various reasons one for yourself - it will bother you until you’ve dealt with this and the second for her : you don’t want to give her any false hopes and the reason for guilt tripping you down the line with the stance “ you promised “ .
So send her a short clear and straightforward message: Hi Helen , thank you I arrived ok, just tired. Re your money question I won’t be able to give or lend you money for egg storage or for IVF or for any other procedure. Please don’t raise this again - it’s spoiling our friendship. Fijord. “
And then do as you said - don’t go into conversation about it. If she texts you something again and again, answer her again: No, I won’t lend you any money.
Don’t give her even a glimpse of hope that you might think about it in the future. It would be better for her on the long run - she shouldn’t make her life planning around your money.

She’s not a real friend op. Keep it brief and say no to future IVF and she must be mistaken by thinking you have that kind of money to spare. She’ll let you down anyway a different way if she’s this entitled.

Be sure to answer her, even though she has said she is now using savings. You can not have her thinking one day that you will help her pay for IVF. It is quite an ordeal to freeze eggs so you don't want her going into that if she can't afford IVF.

I'm glad you found some savings. To be clear, I can't help out financially, sorry, but good luck if you go ahead.

Far too much explanation. Just say “I’m sorry, this just isn’t possible.” If she keeps on: “Like I said, it isn’t possible.”

I think she was grossely insensitive .
in that I’d have interpreted the loss of your partner as also the loss of children you hoped to have with him.

(I wish you so well as you navigate the future that doesn’t look as you’d imagined, and wish you much goodness)

My god, I'm speechless. Firstly I'm so sorry about your loss and two years in the grand scheme of life is very recent so you don't need to justify that. I can't believe she asked you for money. I wouldn't dream of it in general, not ever but especially after what's happened to you. I agree with others here that you need to nip it in the bud now. And as other have pointed out, don't give her details. She has no right to know any of this.

Op doesn't need to apologise for having a healthy bank balance.. Her mate isn't her responsibility whatsoever.. And if she is skint how can she raise a conceived dc anyway? Because she obviously isn't skint... Leave her to it. Make no apologies..

She is royally taking the piss op.

I would advise you to be clear on your position from the outset. She is hinting that she feels in some way entitled to your money and that just isn't on. She isn't showing any respect for you. For me,that would ruin the friendship and make me distance myself.

Absolute CF!!! And no way, that's your money. Please don't be guilted into doing this. I'd be fading away from that friendship I'm afraid. Her future wish for a family is not your responsibility, that is down to her.

“Hi friend. Thanks for letting me know, glad you have found a way forward with this. I think it’s important for me to say at the outset that I’m afraid I don’t have money to gift you for IVF. I hate to disappoint you as it’s clear from your last message that you thought that I did have the means to offer you financial support, but unfortunately this is just not the case. With love,

This woman isn't your friend, she is an opportunist who thinks your money should be hers.

Massive cheeky fuckery