Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

“I will not be giving you money. Do not ask me again’

No need to apologize or give reasons as to why you can’t. You aren’t required to justify your no, and giving her any opening to work on you is just going to create you more headaches in the long run.

"I'm really glad you have decided to use your savings. I was dreading the awkward conversation when I had to tell you that I can't help you with your IVF journey. So pleased for you!"

I'd be backing off from this friend at high speed ...

YANBU and it must be doubly difficult as your loss is so recent. and unMumsnetty hugs.

Not sure I get the logic of this. Lots of people can afford to raise a child month to month but don’t have £5-10k in one go for IVF. That said the OPs friend was cheeky to ask when she has savings!

If she wants a baby then she can fund it herself. What happens if she gave birth? Hand baby over to you and expect you to raise it ? CF!!!

Part of me thinks sending her 'Where would I get this money from?' and waiting for her to respond and actually put it into words would result in a suitably cathartic experience. 'But I don't earn that sort of money, so where would I get it from?'... 'You want MY dead fiance to pay for YOU to have a baby?'.

But it might be better for you emotionally to message (when she remembers you exist again) with 'Don't ever contact me again'.

It's very bizarre. She's a long way off from IVF and assumes she and her future partner won't be able to afford it.

IMO, people who target a grieving person for money are financially abusive.

I am biased about this - I saw it happen in a friendship group. People approached her for loans which were never repaid, they don't consider they did anything wrong.

In your OP you said 'give her the money', I'm not sure if that was meant as 'give' or 'lend'

Either way, she's got her own bloody savings but she's asking for money from you!!??!!

Absolutely fucking not

I’m doing IVF too and my wonderful best friend offered me the money from an inheritance she’d received. I declined and took out a small loan to supplement what we’d saved. Lending/borrowing with friends is complex and I’d never want to ruin a friendship over money!

It will be more than that though. IVF can be into double figures.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is completely inappropriate and quite insensitive of your so called friend. Tell her to piss off and find some new friends.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

I wouldn’t be able to leave that hanging. I’d have to arrange to meet for a coffee to talk about this. I’d ask her why on earth she thought you’d be paying for any of it. I’d then say, to avoid any confusion or disappointment, that you won’t ever be giving her large sums of money for anything but you would pay for her coffee.

She is beyond CF she’s bonkers

So she has the money in savings but wants you to fork out for it. She's a prize piss taker isn't she.

Never lend money to anyone irrelevant of who they are unless you do not expect to get it back.

Sorry for what you're going through. Echoing most people in this thread, your friend is being a massively unreasonable bellend to ask you for money, whether you're grieving or not. But the fact she knows you are grieving and how much guilt potential there is in asking for money for something like IVF makes it exponentially worse. She's hoping to pressure you into cash she presumes you have because your partner has sadly passed away. What the actual fuck?! It's exploitative and she's a total dick.

I’m sorry for your loss. And 2 years is no time in terms of grieving.
I think you’re right, your friend thought you’d come into some money, are making mega money so she’d tap you for money.
A previous thread gave a great response to people “ let me know how you get on with that” or you could use “ wish you luck with that”
As far as money goes, don’t get involved. Ignore any requests for loans, gifts etc.

This is absolute madness. I cannot believe the audacity of her!

Well, she's as unreasonable as they come. How utterly bizarre. I'm sorry for your loss and grief.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

She must keep the local B&Q busy with all the oil she buys to lubricate her brass neck.

I agree. I am saving £3k for a frozen cycle which is a real slog to save for but the actual child is more affordable!

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

I'd take a massive step back from this woman. Unbelievable.

Her message reads that she would ask you again to fund her ivf.

This person is not a friend, but a cheeky f**er. I'm not one to cut friends out easily buy my god, I would not want someone like this in my life. To take your grief and loss and turn it into an opportunity for herself, is callous, entitled and selfish. She may have been a good friend before but you can see her true colours in times of crisis and also as her life turns out differently to yours.

I would actually be honest and tell her how inappropriate her request is, and then just ignore her and cut her out of your life. When people show you who they are, believe them, and don't let past history colour judgement on who she is now.

I agree with this! Get her to say where she thinks this money is coming from. Either her or block her. She’s absolutely shameless.

It's easy, if she approaches you again, say you'll pay for a psychiatric evaluation and a therapy session as she is coming across as quite unhinged.

Anyway, if you maintain the friendship, just forget about the IVF issue. Drop into the conversation every now and then as to how awful it has been that estate taxes were taken in both UK and US (or wherever) and you have been left with very little at the end of the day. Then ask her for something to tide you over. Hmmm.

Or you could say that the estate was left in trust and you cannot access it unless it is verifiably for your own use and the trustees will require proof of that and will pay for those things on your behalf. So nothing can go to her.

I wouldn't get mad I'd just ignore TBH.