Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

Absolutely the right outcome.

I found that once my friends started paying for childcare, they started to resent what they saw as my massive amount of disposable income and several of them made comments suggesting I help pay for their kids.

I do think some parents (and wannabe parents) get so fixated by what they see as a good use of funds that they lose sight of the fact that it's not up to anyone else to provide those funds!

Unsurprising really. Good luck to yourself

It was unfair to rely on you to effectively co-parent a child with her especially after losing your husband & you were right to stand your ground

Thank you for the update. It’s a shame she saw you as a cash cow and the friendship has ended, but her requests were unbelievable and ridiculous.

As someone else has said, I'm sorry for you that this has happened but the outcome is not surprising. A real friend would never have asked you in the first place.

True colours shining through.

What's the background story?

Based on your latest updates I think you made the right decision. She was trying to use you for money, and you wouldn't allow it. Good for you. Strange how she had savings but preferred to use yours?! 🤔 Selfish request really. A side note, my college had ivf and her eggs frozen. It was a long and fruitless journey. She had 3 ivf treatments and all her eggs were too poor quality to ever take. She's paid around £10,000 for the whole fruitless journey. So your ex friend may have kept asking for more money down the line. Good riddance to your selfish friend. You deserve better.

Not sure what you mean. They started losing a lot of their joint incomes to nursery fees and became overtly jealous of me not having that expense, to the point where they suggested I was some form of charity for impoverished parents of young children. Beyond that you'd have to ask them - oddly enough we're no longer in touch!

Maybe she felt embarrassed that she’d asked you? Or yes, maybe she’s so fixated on her own hopes that she is angry that you’ve said no- she’s lost sight of the bigger picture and sees you now as an obstacle denying her what she wants so desperately.

Grief is very much a process, @fjordsnights , I hope you can find some peace and joy in life again soon. People can be quite insensitive about the time individuals take to move through that cycle.

Yes! "Friends" of mine have gotten bent out of shape about their childcare bill, me not paying any (l had no children!) and it never made any sense to me. It's an entitled and self absorbed way of looking at the world. People should own their choices

For clarity l say this as someone who has toddler twins and spends a world of money on childcare. Bit appreciate no one made me have children and unlike a lot of people l didn't choose to have 2 children!

It's weird isn't it.

I had a mum of five turn funny with me as I apparently had so many weekends to myself.

Endless pointed comments comparing our lives.

She'd actually gone through IVF, so not like it was a quintuplets accident.

Her reaction speaks volumes. Clearly she saw you as financially useful to her.

That’s so cheeky!
Whenever my parents/family have helped me out in the past, it’s because I’m broke- as in, no savings, nothing left to sell and no money to buy food. Not ‘oh no I don’t want to dip into my savings’. Takes the piss a bit if you have the money but don’t want to spend it!

I have a work colleague who started a petition that parents should get extra annual leave as they “don’t get weekends” whereas the childless do. I’m now wondering if she’s your friend!

Nothing so odd as folk.

I am seriously so embarrassed for your 'friend'.

The cheek!! Seems there are many of them.

You wouldn't believe it, but this friend is a sahm with help.

I've since reduced contact as I had enough of being guilt tripped for not having kids.