Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

To echo what someone else said, she's not your friend. She's a user.

Yes, when you’re still raw from a major bereavement, you’re vulnerable and can make bad decisions.

OP should make it clear that she cannot fund her “friend”.

She put you in a really uncomfortable position at a difficult time in your life. Not ok.

Tell her no, your finances are none of her business so the assumption you can afford to give her £££ is CF territory. Very insensitive of her too.

It was cheeky to ask but to ask when she has her own money in savings makes it an absolute joke.

Wish her luck but make it clear you will not be funding any IVF for her now or in the future.

I wouldn’t worry about losing this ‘friendship’. It should be done for you at this point anyway, she has ruined it.

This.

You need to make it absolutely clear to her that her recent ask is not acceptable to you.

So sorry for your loss, lose the "friend" too, they are not a friend when they see you and their perception of you as opportunity for themselves.

This. She is going to be in for a shock if she actually gets pregnant or is she going to lean on all her other mates to pay for that too?

Is this person normally a bit of a CF OP?

I love this message.

3 weeks?!

The behaviour was appalling…but trying to abuse your grief at the 3 week stage is inhuman. I’m so sorry.

Savings or not, she is very unreasonable to ask.

Let her know as soon as you can that you won’t be doing this. Never ever talk to her about your finances. Her perceived path to motherhood is her personal affair as are your assets and income.

Hi friend, I was rather shocked by your assumption that I’m in a position to fund your egg freezing and IVF when this is something I won’t ever be in a position to do. I just wanted to get that clear between us and out of the way, before we meet up again so that it doesn’t spoil our friendship. See you next week at …..

Its not ok to ask friends to GIVE you money. Full stop. Savings or not.

So sorry for you loss.

What your financial situation is, does not mean you are there to give money to other people! And you have not only lost your partner but with that all of their future earnings, pension etc. any money you have is for your future.

How rude and entitled this person is. Nobody is entitled to children either.
how old is she? Many people conceive, even if it takes some time, at age 40!
if she is that concerned she could but donor sperm and start the journey to being a solo parent!

I hope you can surround yourself supportive people.

So why are YOU not putting boundaries in place OP? This is down to you and your lack ilof response. You need to shut this down now via text or chat and explain you can't help and didn't want to give the impression you could so she wasn't banking on you in the future.she has seen a chance and is trying to take advantage so grow some courage and be direct.

This is a complete non issue if you had just replied and still can reply that sorry no my money is tied up or I don't have any.

She’s a vulture

That is so, so...so weird. Speaking as a person going through ivf who was in your pal's shoes about 5 years ago (although I wasn't aware of egg freezing at the time) I would never, ever have considered asking someone else to fund treatment. Let alone earmarking my bereaved friend's money for my future. It's such a strange request that makes me think she must be going through an extremely self involved part of her life. It's just so strange she thinks she has the right to your money. I mean unless you're a billionaire. Even then, I'd be so embarrassed to ask for something in case you thought I was only friends with you to use you.

The only context I can imagine someone asking is if you were both quite drunk and she blurted it out.

I've discovered through hard times that a friend I loved was actually no friend at all. It was extremely hurtful, and I'm sorry if this is to happen to you.

Please don’t do it.

A lot of these suggested replies say too much and leave her too much opportunity to argue back at you. The first was the best, I honestly would use it. I've had to turn down friends asking for money, it's a horrible position to be in, but it tells you a lot about them.

‘ I have no idea why you think I’m in a position to help you out financially , I am not and please do not spoil our friendship by asking again ‘

Why does your friend think she can ask you to borrow money?

Absolutely not.

Don't have a go at Op. Not fair or kind.

I think it’s outrageous that your friend has asked you for money for ivf/egg freezing, even more so when she has savings! So she doesn’t want to use her savings to pay for it but wants to use yours! Quite unbelievable.

I would definitely send her an email and make it crystal clear from the outset that you are not able to help her now, nor in the future.

Frankly, if it was my friend, she wouldn’t be a friend anymore.

How rude of her.

Asking for money over FaceTime, not even in person. Assuming your financial position, without even asking. The entitlement!

Then the slightly “diggy” text. Why on earth would you be “worried”?!

I’d be tempted - in fantasy - to tell her “why would I be worried?”

But in reality I’d do the slow fade by never being available to end the friendship - with a view to the friendship being closed down completely in 3 - 12 months!

I love my best friends and in an emergency I would be there in a shot and would have help in a financial crisis.

but this is not a crisis…. This is a weird request. I can’t imagine contributing to a friend for something like IVF unless it was an absolute last resort (and I mean they have explored every single other option) and even then it would just be a short term loan.

As someone who was in a wealthier position and things took a turn, I will tell you that when the day comes and you could do with the help back.. no one will be there to help you

I use to help everyone, buy the nicest gifts, pay for everyone’s food etc but when my finances changed unexpectedly no one could help… and that ok it’s taught me to not have any expectations
But the point I’m making is that you need to sort out your own affairs

it doesn’t mean don’t be charitable but this isn’t really charity… this is someone taking advantage of you, she could let nature take its course and wait to meet someone or accept her fate, adopt even. But she’s wanting a luxury which isn’t a necessity at the cost of your fate and I don’t think you will even ever get it back from her.

Please say no. And I doubt your partner or even all your hard work of travelling for work was for her to ‘freeze’ her eggs ‘incase’ she doesn’t find someone to procreate with 🤷🏽‍♀️🤯

Your friend sounds very bizarre and entitled.
I did IVF (still going) and not once did I think to ask my richer friends for money..It was either savings or a bank loan! And if I can't afford to get a bank loan then I won't be thinking of having children.

I'm agog that she asked you to pay at all, and all the more agog that she asked when she had the money sitting right there in her savings!! I would be re-considering the whole friendship. I am so sorry for your loss. You don't need people in your life like this.