Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

In asking you she was completely thinking of herself without understanding what you have been through. She has savings or could get a bank loan herself I would tell her that! Your money is for your future not hers.

All of this.

She's going to ask you for money again at some point, absolutely.

I would nip that in the bud right now, and reply to her text saying that after all you have been through in the last couple of years, you are not, and will not be in the future, in a position to give her any money.

Look after yourself op x

This. Absolutely this. She's a right sort.

She’s mad. Make sure you make it very clear that it’s a no from the very beginning OP!

I'd be tempted to say sorry I can't help - I'm actually completely broke since my bereavement. Actually, I was hoping you would help me with £5k I need, and seeing as you have savings...

See how cheeky she finds it.

Not trying to have a go just giving a direct reply re why she hasn't put in boundries- is there a history in the friendship re taking of her etc.

This is crazy! How do you know her?

My DH and I went through IVF. We used some savings but also took out a loan which we have nearly paid off. We wouldn’t have asked family, let alone friends for the money. And my parents have cash to spare!

You need to reply with something like this.

Dear friend,
I love for you that you are planning a family, and it’s a shame you are worrying about finances!

It’s lovely that you thought of me when you worried about money. I feel quite private about my situation, but can tell you that I do not have money to give away. I must be very clear - I cannot pay for your IVF.

I worry that this news is upsetting, I don’t want you to worry that your dreams cannot come true without me paying. You have time to plan, and I understand that there are loans and grants you might be able to use to fund your journey.

I am here to support you in friendship dnd live, always.
XOXO
OP

💯 this. People never fail to shock you do they.

She isn't your friend. She's a CF and she will ask again so I'd send this whilst phasing her out.

What a cheeky cow! Just ignore her and don’t give her a penny.

Bizarre and very cheeky. If she actually asks, just say no. And distance yourself from her, she’s a user.

"Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

"Let's just wait and see"???? What? Who does she think is "us"?

So she is prepping you to pay for IVF, but oh-so-kindly telling you not to worry yet.

She sounds mad.

Please, don't!

Tell her No. Don't even tell her why, because she will then be able to retort and manipulate you based on what you say.

You need to cut this off clearly.

"Hi friend, lending or giving money can be really toxic for friendships, so I won't be doing that. I would really appreciate it if you can please not bring it up again. Thanks"

At this point, she can remain your friend or not. Her choice entirely. If she's only friendly for your money, then she isn't worth keeping.

@fjordsnights dont give her anything, now or in the future!! she is taking the piss! if she has savings, then why ask you in the first place???

wow!

I think I’d just ignore it and see if she brings it up again and if she dose say no you can’t think about doing that as you have your own things to deal with.

Sorry for your loss OP. I would reply ‘I wish you all the best but have to say I am in no position to help you financially now or in the future. My inheritance and earnings are much less than you may be imagining . So please don’t ask me again. But keep me posted, xx’

I have had ivf myself and it’s a massive gamble. There is no way she should be asking you for money for that it’s a personal decision whether or not to do it and there are no guarantees of it working. The cheek of her asking you this when she has savings.

Wow. That's a huge commitment to be honest.

If your initial thoughts weren't "Sure, let's do this thing" then I think your answer to her has to be no. From what I understand it's an annual storage fee not a once off payment so there is that. IVF is very costly and you could be dipping into your life savings to fund something that (worst case scenario) may not end up being possible to carry to term. So you would be in this for the long haul - either way.

I'd be somewhat honest with her and say that you've been able to travel to and from the US because it's for work and not that you've suddenly become a high flyer but it is required for work. I'd tell her that you cannot afford to contribute to her egg storage or her IVF because you don't know what might be around the corner in relation to your own health issues and you need to have funds aside for whatever you might need (your nest egg if you will). You sympathise with her situation but you aren't able to help her for this thing she is looking for.

I'd also consider giving this friend a bit of distance as she has started seeing you through eyes with dollar signs in them and not as a friend any more. You deserve better than that.

I'm also so very sorry for your loss.

My standard answer when someone asks something that is absolutely beyond normal parameters of human interaction.

"No, that's not something I would do"

People who ask this are either:

1. absolutely unaware of social norms
2. Massively over-entitled
3. Unpleasant people who are trying to steal from you

I could tolerate people from group1 as friends and would make them aware that it's not something you ask people. Groups 2 and 3 are not worth it.

This is the right approach, even if it feels a bit, blunt - if you don't nip this in the bud OP then yes, I think she will be asking again if IVF is required (or anything else she needs money for) and you'll always be waiting for that "next request" - put an end to it now and at least you haven't got to wonder when the next call is coming, and if it ever does you can just say that you made your feelings clear already and that still stands.

I don't think I've ever seen a 100% YANBU vote but in this case it's the right result.

Be kind to yourself OP, it sounds like you've been through a lot, I'd second some counselling, I think you'd benefit from letting out some of what has happened in the last two years, and I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Whenever I hear about people struggling to respond to outrageous requests I'm reminded of a phrase I heard from Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear) who said, "a man's no is the end of a conversation but a woman's no is often seen as the beginning of a negotiation."

However you shut this down make it firm and final. "I will not make a financial contribution to your life choices now or in the future. Do not ask again."

Do not apologise and do not explain yourself. Her request is outrageous, your refusal will be reasonable. Do not second guess yourself.

You need good friends you can rely on not ones who are thinking about how to exploit you whilst you are still grieving. If you lose her as a "friend" for saying no she was never really a friend. I'm sorry for your loss.