Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

And putting your response in writing is very important.

You might lose a friend but in this case it would mean she wasn’t a real one.

It's a simple no from me. Is she a good friend op, sounds really odd and off to me this

Oh my god that's crazy. What did you actually reply on the FaceTime call when she asked you? It sounds like she thinks it may be on the cards down the line, did you actually say no or did you say 'we'll see' ?
I'd be distancing myself from her, she sounds very self absorbed given all that you've been through.

"No."
"Sorry, no."
"No, I'm working hard to put my own life back together now that I have only myself to rely on, and any money I'm managing to save is for my own future."

Sorry, buts it not your responsibility to fund soneone else’s fertility. Just say no, and then change the subject.

Totally understand what you say Op, and feel for you, especially about all the admin afterwards, and this on top of everything else. (Been through the same).

I honestly feel sick at what your friend has asked of you, it’s abhorrent of her.

I wouldn't give it any consideration at all, plus find a way of permanently shutting it down (“modest funds were invested in a pension - accessible when I retire” as an example).

I had someone turn up “for coffee” with me about 3 weeks into being suddenly widowed - wanted money to start a beauty business…

Numb and shocked at the time - but now angry.

That’s not a “No”.

That’s an “Are you out of your fucking mind? No”.

She isn’t a friend so block and move on.

Just tell her that you won't be able to provide her with any financial support.

Your 'friend'???
She is rude, insensitive and no concern for you whatever, other than as a potential cash cow.
I presume with your mention of extensive travel for work, that you do not have children from your marriage - so you have lost you partner and opportunity for children with him - and presumably you are not wanting to jump into a new relationship right away - so assuming that you are a similar age to your friend, might want to freeze your own eggs.

What an insensitive thing to ask of a woman who is recently bereaved.
Let alone she had savings of her own and will considerably use those & save the IVF costs for you.

Forget the nice suggestions above about 'no, don't ask again' - 'no, you are an insensitive cow for asking and clearly no friend' - and ditch, block.
Cannot believe the entitlement of the woman.

Absolutely not! I think people assume that losing a partner, or parent, means you have inherited and she is equating your travel with that rather than work. Even if you have the money, it’s not for spending on someone else’s IVF.

I think I would phase her out of my life to be honest. You simply don’t need people like that in your life.

I couldn't agree more.
She doesn't even know she can't have kids ,meanwhile i presume her savings will continue to grow !
She is very cheeky ,don't be taken in ,tell her to use her own bloody money !

I presume with your mention of extensive travel for work, that you do not have children from your marriage

Funny how no-one presumes that of men.

Anyway Op YANBU, don't give the scrounging cow a penny.

She’s no friend of yours, kick to the curb and never see her again.

AND, the fastest, most reliable way of getting rid of her and never seeing her for dust, would be to say ‘Mary, I really didn’t want to tell anyone this but I know I can confide in you. Derek didn’t leave any money, in fact he left his affairs in a highly secretive debt-laden mess, which is why I’ve been working so hard to try and get straight. But now that I know you have savings - do you think I could borrow some money from YOU?’

Tumbleweeeeeeed, the faint smell of scorched rubber tyres in the far distance.

I wouldn’t be friends with this person after that. It’s completely bonkers to suggest someone gives you money because you don’t want to use your own savings. Even if she’d forgotten her wallet and asked you to get her a coffee the correct thing to do is offer to pay it back immediately.

I’d message her and say something like ‘just wanted to make it clear that although I will support you emotionally, I do not have the finances to help you with your IVF journey’

she’s abhorrent, using your grief and income to guilt you into helping her.
she can get to fuck.

Absolutely don’t give her money. What a cheeky cow.

I would tell her clearly that you don't have money for IVF and then I would back away from the friendship if there was any further attempts to discuss it with you, particularly if those attempts are about what you earn/what money you have in the bank as a result of your loss. And I am very sorry for your loss.

What a cheek , you look after yourself.

This. I don't think it would be a great loss, as she doesn't sound a great friend. You have no idea what is around the corner for you in terms of health or redundancy - or positive things like a house move or travel.

If she wants a baby, there are other ways.

Shut it down right now. Tell her you won’t be giving money for anything.

Also too add: if she freezes her eggs now & doesn't find a man who's wealthy enough or supportive enough to want to go through with it she won't need IVF

& If she chooses to go it alone then she'll have had however many years to save for it

(But I think it's quite difficult aswell to freeze eggs with no sperm as they don't last as well or as long)

This

What a brass neck she has.

If you continue with this friendship do prepare a snappy answer so you have it to hand for future requests for contributions towards IVF and surrogacy.

Oh this is brilliant!