To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

They’re saying what they need to say to avoid maternity discrimination allegations. You know you’re not performing so address it by getting childcare for your little one so you can work while you’re WFH.

Sorry I do have a full time nursery space for him, it’s just most weeks he can’t go at least a couple of days due to illness, as goon as he gets over one bug he is well for a week max then catches something else and has to miss nursery

Your dh is self employed, you are well paid, he needs to do his share.

We used a child minder and avoided the nursery bugs.

Your dh needs to step up more

Sounds difficult but they are supporting you in the hope that things will improve and you will be able to give back two fold and be your usual fantastic self. Hopefully it is a winter blip of bugs and things will get better. We are not robots and real life happens.

but DH will lose money and reputation if he misses work - he is a decorator. I get paid a salary which is not affected if I miss work.

For your employer, your job is as important to them as your husband’s job is to him. He needs to step up and do his share. Can’t stand it when women treat their jobs as hobby jobs, while their husband carries on as normal.

obviously this doesn’t make sense - you will lose money if you lose your job?

of course they aren’t going to allow you to keep looking after your child whilst working.

That's not your employer's problem. If you are going to retain credibility at work he'll have to shoulder more of the responsibility.

Sounds like you would benefit from a childminder more than a nursery setting. I sent my eldest to nursery and youngest to a childminder. Smaller setting so I’ve found my youngest had way fewer illnesses. She is also a LOT more flexible than the nursery with sickness, it feels more of a common sense approach than a blanket policy of 48 hours etc. I get it, my DH is also self employed and doesn’t get paid for days off. Childminder has been a godsend.

I get this OP. If he had an office job like yours I’d be saying he should do at least 50%. But it’s really hard when they don’t get paid and potentially lose clients.

But then it will also be hard if you lost your job. I’d try and find a childminder if I were you. Or a family member to help in emergencies?

I really agree with others saying your DH needs to step up more.

As a manager it’s a really bug bear of mine when couples seem to prioritise the self employed man’s work commitments over the employed woman- it would be the same if the other way around but it always seems to be the husband who is self employed, and earns alot in self employment.

The self employed person often actually has more flexibility in that they’re only answerable to themselves but they don’t take the time out because they’re not paid for that time. If the employed person does, they still get paid and only their employer loses out.

This isn’t ok - the self employed partner needs to be taking the hit just as often.

So his job, money and reputation is completely unaffected...

While your job and reputation IS being greatly affected,and that may eventually affect your pay and career opportunities.

Imo he needs to step up more. Allow a bit of leeway in his scheduling, knowing he will have to do a few days at home every month with a sick child. Schedule clients around doctors appointments. Do extra drop offs / pick ups if you are doing more minding.

We would do a half day each in some cases...my dh is self employed and he would do the essentials in the morning and take over at lunch so I can go to work late.

As it is, it's coming across that even on a week there are no illnesses, that you still can't do your office days.

Maybe your employer doesn't mind...different sectors have different pressures.

But your employer loses out if you do - so this isn’t fair.

Really only you know if your employer really means what they are saying (in terms of them being supportive). I am highly sympathetic to your situation. My kids are 8 and 4 now so past the constant illnesses but I remember those days well. it was so hard. I had, and continue to have, an amazing manager (NHS) so it was fine in the end. I hope your manager can see that this is just a stage and it will get better/easier.

I once had a direct report outright say that her DH wouldn't be doing any of the child sick days because 'he's a contractor and won't get paid' whereas she was permanent and would. It really irritated me for the reasons other people have stated above. Basically she was happy for her employer to pay her for not being there, to put more pressure on the rest of the team (and me) to protect his job

I would try and reframe it in your mind, especially if you're already worried about your job. You certainly won't be getting paid if they manage you out

Thanks all, you’ve given me a few things to consider - DH building some extra leeway might be something we can consider. And childminder - I didn’t appreciate they could potentially take unwell kids so something to think about as nursery are very strict.

I think it’s one of those situations where it’s fine until it isn’t. It’s brilliant your employer has been patient but how long will this last?

While it’s great they understand it also isn’t their problem that 1-2 days a week you are having to take off to either be at home or look after your sick child. As others have said your partner needs to shoulder more because I think their patience will eventually be limited.

If he loses a client it may only be a Small project or day job. If you do you are gone permanently.

My gut says if he was in a company and you were self employed you would still be doing this.

Ime children at a childminders don't get sick as often as in a nursery, there's just fewer around to infect them.

And some childminders will take a child who is a little under the weather but able to lie on the couch...but they either wouldn't be well enough for nursery or nursery wouldn't take them.

If you work Mon- Fri, your DH may be able to work at weekends and catch-up on work then (maybe he does this already)

See this is where you need to reconsider your approach - you are thinking you don’t want to lose money for your husbands business by him underperforming but it’s ok that you are underperforming for someone else’s business as it doesn’t affect your pocket. But it affects their pocket

DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me.

This is the part that would really piss me off. They are being very patient with you - more than they need to be to avoid a discrimination claim - and you take advantage of that goodwill and cause your entire team problems.

If you can afford to be fired then do the decent thing and resign so they can find someone who can do the job. If you can't, then your husband needs to step up and do half.

Every single tradesperson I’ve employed in the last ten years has missed a day, started late, or finished early at some point due to personal issues - childcare, illness, caring responsibilities. I’d have to be a terrible person to sack them, or give a bad review for these reasons.

Further, they tend to come and go as they please, and cite things like missing supplies or broken down van, so most of the time I wouldn’t know if they were actually home with a sick child.

He needs to do his share.

DH earns significantly more than me - nearly twice as much. He still does around 50% of the sick days. We will discuss who needs to be at work that day and who can more easily work from home or take time off and we do that. I agree with comments above, your DH needs to do more childcare.

Do you actually HAVE to go into the office, or can all of your work be done WFH?
And if so, can you pick up the extra work in the evening/start work really early some days (could your DH commit to do the drop off?) to keep on top and thus improve your productivity/help your company? We had one member of staff in similar situation however she can 80-90%% wfh in her job and we also have a fair few American customers, so it's been handy when she logs in of an evening to catch up with her work as they get a quick response when officially we should be shut. Likewise she is often up in the night (I presume baby not sleeping) which helps our Far East customers, as well as us 9-5ers, as we usually used to come in to all the emails up to date pretty much every day. (Kid now in school, so she works school hours mostly in the office as nearer school, and I'd say the rest of us perhaps have more workload!)

Any flexibility request like that you can you discuss with your manager before it's brought up as a performance issue?

They haven't explicitly said it's a problem and they HAVE explicitly said it's fine. So I think it is fine, for now. I would take it at face value that they mean what they say about it being a phase you can't help.
But I agree with PP that their patience will probably run out at some point and you can't be sure if that point will hold off until your baby's immunity is stronger. So I would try to change something - build in flexibility for DH, or put in a formal request for flex work e.g. 2-3 hours flex in the day which you make up in the evening. Or maybe just 5-6 evening 'admin hours' from home a week which you flex out of your normal working days.

I think your team's patience is likely to run out before your manager's, if they're covering you. And if you have management responsibilities, any direct reports may get pretty peeved. I think you're more likely to lose reputation than your job but limping along in your job is miserable and you lose self esteem too - I've been there. Try to avoid it spiralling by working with DH to prioritise your job, not just scrape it.