To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

Every one who goes back to work has the initial phase of the kid getting every bug under the sun. Just do what you can and treat your colleagues to a cake or something once in a while 😂
If your husband is self employed maybe he could try and pick up work opposite hours to you for a few months.

So fellow employees are wankers for resenting the colleague whom work share they end up doing and they are owed nothing they are just blip on a radar, disposable and irrelevant? Yet how day dare resent you when you are ofc for weeks at a time with your kid. Ever thought you are as irrelevant to them? What a load of horseshit.

It very much depends on your manager. If they’ve been there they know it’s not your fault and can’t be helped and that you are a good employee overall. It’s hard to address underperformance when the cause is sporadic absence. You should be working later when the child is well so you can catch up, skipping lunch breaks etc. so the work doesn’t fall on others. Your husband should do half too.

They are people you work with. Nothing more. Your colleagues don’t owe you anything. How your manager allocates their work is nothing to do with your colleague. Being pissed off at the extra work? Ok, human reaction. Blaming your colleague because they are off with a sick kid? Yes that is unreasonable. Have a word with your manager if you are overloaded. No one wants to be off with a sick kid.

My post seems to have triggered you. I don’t think of my colleagues once my laptop has shut down. No I haven’t ever thought I might be as irrelevant to them, because it’s not something I worry about, but now you’ve mentioned it I assume I am and that’s fine. Outside of work I don’t think of them at all, and in work … I’m working.

If I were your colleague I would do everything I could to make sure I never cover any of your work in your absence.

Then you would quickly go through disciplinary, lose your job and I would still be paid for my time off with my poorly child 👍. Wouldn’t affect me in the slightest.

And we would use you as an example in training. Anonymously of course.

No it would be quite easy to be kept fully busy with my own work with no capacity at all to pick up yours and carry you.

And as for you're being in HR, yeah right.

I had a child minder who was more flexible than nursery about sickness.

After I’d settled my children with her, she took on a baby that was at nursery two days a week and at hers for the rest. My children had more (vomiting) bugs that year than at any other point I can remember.

Childminders are only better if they limit the number of children and stop vomiters coming.

OP, your child won’t keep getting this sick for long. I do think your husband needs to step up though. He has the option of preparing clients for the fact that he has a young child and may have to take a day off occasionally, then he won’t lose his good reputation. Some clients might even respect him more.

Well without massively outing myself and sending you my LinkedIn profile… I’ll have to keep not caring.

I freelance and don't have coworkers, but if I worked with a sanctimonious cow like yourself I would refuse to do even fraction of your work, as I 'owe you nothing', you're right about that

and I would still be paid for my time off with my poorly child

Perhaps you're such a fantastic employee your contract allows this and pays you. Legally your employer may pay you for time off to look after dependants but they do not have to. Surprised you don't know that, what with being in HR. My firm will pay if it's only once or twice, but after that, we don't.

I almost wish AllThePotatoesAreSinging
would come through with her threat of sending me her LinkedIn profile so I could avoid the risk of ever employing someone so unpleasant.

Say you’ve not read the full thread without saying you’ve not read the full thread.

I address that paid time off is optional in previous posts. I thought solicitors (I snooped) had better attention to detail?

My poorly child is hypothetical. I am an absolutely fantastic employee though. When I have been off (I’ve been there with that poorly child in the past!) they’ve been great, covered my work, didn’t expect my self employed DH to lose a days pay. This has been reciprocated, because we are a team, and the work is shared by the team - not because I have some emotional weight of obligation.

We do pay our staff though. It’s a lot more than twice, too. We don’t even have the best employee centred approach - I know of several private sector firms who pay for unlimited time off. When our staff have exhausted the paid leave we usually look at it case by case and try to find a way to keep paying them, because our staff matter to us. This isn’t unusual though, it’s been the same in most places I’ve worked. It’s obvious when it’s a genuine case. No wonder you don’t believe I work in HR! Not in line with Mumsnet sentiment about HR at all.

I know quite a few people who work within legal firms, across all roles. What they all have in common is that their employers give them as little as they can get away with while being compliant with legislation. Always surprised me about legal firms.

Don’t worry - I avoid legal firms like the plague, for the reasons given previously. I like having decent staff benefits.

I’m not prepared to take a financial hit for my employer (no one should be) and I’m not emotionally entrenched in my colleagues. I like them and all but I wouldn’t die for them. My responsibility is to my family. My employer has responsibilities to my colleagues.

It’s a tough truth for some people to accept! Some people are so enmeshed in the lives of their colleagues and have nothing outside. Some people feel that their work colleagues are their family. They aren’t though. Bringing your whole self to work is a lie. I like to keep workpotatoes and homepotatoes separate. I don’t share anything ‘real’ there.

I’ve worked with others who wouldn’t even share what they’d done at the weekend, such was their desire to keep work and personal separate.

Not sure what’s unpleasant about any of that.

Anyway, successful derailment of the thread. Sorry OP! Hope the nursery bugs are better soon x

👍

It will be affected in the long run. You may risk not getting promotions, you might not want to apply for more senior jobs as you become the default parent.
Fine if that's your decision but make sure you go into this consciously and make that decision, don't just presume you have to do this and you partner doesn't

Your choice to have a child was exactly that. Your choice. It was not the choice of your colleagues and constantly expecting them to increase their workload for no extra pay is massively unreasonable. Occasionally it is unavoidable; any reasonable person should understand this. But this should not be a regular occurrence and if it is, you should consider whether working for a full-time wage is right for you at this point in your life.

but DH will lose money and reputation if he misses work - he is a decorator. I get paid a salary which is not affected if I miss work.

Employers who are seen as the soft touch eventually get fed up that it's their business which carries the can rather than your husband's business or his employer's business.

I just took annual leave when mine were sick. Admittedly it would be at short notice but that way I didn't feel like I was taking the piss or that colleagues were resentful. In fact the first year I used my entire annual leave entitlement to cover when they were sick (I had twins so double trouble!) You are lucky your team is supportive but it may wear a bit thin. But as everyone has said, it does get better. The first year is the worst.

Just to clarify misleading info someone has given you, childminders can’t take unwell children - they have to follow the same procedures, however you may find that as the number of children they mix with is significantly lower, the amount of bugs and viral infections they get is lower.
I have used a mixture of childminders and nurseries for all 3 of my children, and they’ve all still had that horrible period in winter where you feel like you don’t go a week without another illness but it’s been less than friends children who have something all winter and also all summer whom are at nursery.
I wouldn’t worry too much though, you’re legally protected to an extent as it’s parental leave, and any of the management who have children will also remember the days where they felt the same, is there an option to pick some work up after your child’s bedtime? And be quite vocal about that if you chose to do it so they can see that you’re genuinely trying to make up your hours.

Also, try multi vitamin drops for your LO, you can get drops for their bottle depending on age and your HV should beable to give you some for free. Encourage extra hand washing if they’re old enough, these little things can make a difference!

Why are you not working in the evening to make up for the lost time? At least when OH comes home he can manage the children.

Or are you also going to say OP that ‘he works so hard….).

I am actually quite annoyed because it’s people like you taking the piss is why women historically and still are underpaid because employers think women will get pregnant then take the piss like you are.

yes you can’t help child is unwell but you can definitely help by doing the work you are getting paid to do. It sounds like your are doing FA, leaving it to your work colleagues and expecting your bosses to continue to pay you full whack. CF.

Do the honourable thing. Make up the time in the evenings or weekends. Or go p/t. Or leave.

Your employer sounds quite understanding. I’d try a childminder and putting in the extra hours as you may one day be thinking about another child and you will most definitely need an understanding employer then.

Look at it from your colleagues point of view- they have to pick up your work. It's all very well your employer being sympathetic- he/she is not picking up the slack.
your colleagues are likely to be resentful- I'd treat them regularly- take in cakes, treat them to lunch, that kind of thing-don't take it for granted, just because your employer is onside.

You really want to maintain the goodwill of your team because if they start complaining the management support will evaporate. If your child is regularly poorly I think your husband needs to accept fewer jobs and you share the childcare responsibility. That would mean he can handle the workload even if he has to take a day or two out mid-job to care for your child. I know that may not be great for his reputation but on the other hand, if he explains he has a poorly child, people tend to understand that comes first. You are better off doing this than risking your job entirely.

You said your job was well paid, when my kids were similar age and off sick due to illness, I worked and hired a nanny. If you have family who can help that is great but I didn’t have that luxury.