To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

In effect, you are saying that your employer and your co-workers are less relelvant than your husband. I have been both a mum with littles (I know the challenges) and a manager of parents of small children. The thing I found hardest were the few partnered mums who basically treated their work as an inconvenience. Every single time the child was sick or there was another issue the partner NEVER stepped up. It was up to the team to cover the a workload and created ongoing resentment.

I strongly believe that you should keep working. Life is uncertain and you need to be able to look after yourself and your children if necessary. Other posters have given some great advice on how you could look to alter arrangements.

In your scenario I would consider a nanny rather than nursery. Much more flexibility, will work even when the child is ill, can take them to certain appointments if required, and may have more flexibility over the hours worked too.

Another perspective, I work for a company where it’s genuinely fine if you need to take a crap ton of work off for sick family members. Maybe it’s really ok 🤷‍♀️. I assume there’s a limit at my company but I don’t know anyone who has found it. Big company - £4B in revenue, 15k employees. We just have a really good culture.

Also, if you can afford it, I’d switch to a nanny. DC hardly ever got sick.

this is a difficult one, because i understand what you are saying in terms of the financial difference - your salary is not affected but his is

But the rest of your post makes very clear that your reputation (and also sense of self confidence/pride in work etc) IS absolutely being affected by this. He needs to share the load.

What you say is very telling: I seem to have so many childcare issues,
............. affects my ability to work.
............................ DH does what he can

It seems as though you've assumed this is your issue to resolve?
On your own!

but DH will lose money and reputation if he misses work - he is a decorator.
I get paid a salary which is not affected if I miss work.

So, it's a no-brainer - you pick up most of the childcare work because you're not affected work-wise / salary-wise??

And then you say that you feel you're' pushing it' with your employer - and have told them 'that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC

...................... to be honest, why should you expect your employer to accept a situation that you yourself have said is below-par.

They are being reasonable in making allowances for your situation.

Why should they continue to do so -- you, yourself say that they're not getting the value of what they're paying for

The fact is ............ YOU don't think your work is 'up to scratch',

Ask yourself:
Why is your DH's 'money and reputation' more important than your money and reputation?

You know that your 'money' is safe - but you instinctively feel that your 'reputation' is not quite as safe.

Your DH may not want to let people down.

But, equally, you don't want to let people down.

If you feel that you're letting your employer down, what makes you feel this way?
I suspect it's because you're being honest. - you are also thinking about the impact on other members of your team / the impact on your work environment / the impact on your personal reputation

From experience of:

a) being self-employed - and having to re-arrange appointments
b) working for self-employed members of my family - and having to re-arrange appontments
c) employing self-employed trades (decorators / plasterers / plumbers / electricians etc) - and having to have appointments re-arranged

I find that people are very understanding when appointments have to be cancelled and then re-arranged.

It's easy enough to re-arrange things .......... and it certainly doesn't impact on your reputation if you're honest about why you have to rearrange.

People will wait a day or two (or more!) for a decorator / plumber / plasterer / electrician.

And if your DH tells you any different, he's having you on.

If you're worried that you may be 'pushing it with your employer' you've answered your own question with your doubts ....................

It seems that you're doing more than your fair share of childcare.

As PPs have said, look at your options

• and get your 'D' H to look at his options too! because he needs a quick kick up the backside

Well yes. That's one of the reasons we chose a nanny who came to the house. It's by far the most convenient for parents and child gets undivided attention. It's also by far the most expensive option.

If you're the one with the well paid job, you and your DH need to prioritise your job. That means, he'll have to be the default parent when your child is ill. I can't believe you're justifying his career and not yours- snap out of it.

@Happyhappyday

Another perspective, I work for a company where it’s genuinely fine if you need to take a crap ton of work off for sick family members. Maybe it’s really ok 🤷‍♀️. I assume there’s a limit at my company but I don’t know anyone who has found it. Big company - £4B in revenue, 15k employees. We just have a really good culture

............. soooooo appreciate the wind-up! 😂😂

So your colleagues are doing more of your work now you're back from mat leave than they did before you came back?

Doesn't that really impact the team dynamics? Like what is the point of your job if your colleagues can do it without you?

I love the until your child’s immunity is stronger bit- roll on school time where kids end up out sick because of what’s being spread around!!

I agree your dh needs to hit the trenches as much as you but it does result in two broken people who are on edge and fighting whenever kids are sick (terrible because in an ideal world you should only have to think about one of you being there for your child as opposed to the crap that goes with it)

You can’t really win being a parent (it was after too many years of both of us trying to placate managers and being unable to afford childcare that I became a sahm and then myself and dh got stressed over only having one wage in the house). Hope things get easier somehow op

I also have had a tradesperson need to take the odd day off for childcare. This is perfectly valid and I wasn’t in the least put out. Your dh needs to step up to protect your job.

OP, you need to be very careful here. If I were your employer I'd be thinking you're taking the piss, quite frankly. I know it's hard with small DC who are constantly picking up bugs. Your DH needs to step up. At least he's self employed and can take time off.

Nah, sorry, your husbands business should be the one taking the hit for your mutual decision to have a child - not someone elses!

He needs to concentrate on building his business to suit his home life, that, after all is surely why people are self employed, at least to some extent.

Your employer may be fine now but it won't take much - various other staff members starting to complain about the excess work-load as they take up the slack you're leaving them - before they stop being fine about it.

Putting the guaranteed and dependable salary at risk to protect the variable and less dependable salary is a foolish move.

aww OP sounds super tough. No experience of this stage yet as still on Mat leave with my 1st but plenty of friends / family and must be hard when trying to get back into work / hit the ground running when been out for a considerable amount of time and then also look after poorly little one.

After your update sounds like planning to work things around DH a bit more where possible. It must be so hard when one of you is self employed as there is not that security of wages every month, but glad it’s possible for you to work in some leeway with your partner. Just wanted to give a handhold as super hard trying to do it all and do the best for your family whilst being the best you can be for work. Hopefully once out of winter the illnesses will be less !

Uggghhhhhh, and this is why there's a gender pay gap. It's so insidious.

Sacrificing your own reputation and career to protect his, and you didn't really notice until it was pointed out to you.

My DH took plenty of days off when our kids needed when he was a self employed painter/decorator. That was the biggest perk of the job. Also juggling time around to attend things like special school days. Making up for it by working earlier and/or later and occasionally weekends. It's much harder now he is a teacher.

I had fantastic t&C's at work. However I was asked to take on extra, great for CV and experience and additional aspect to my job, it was voluntary but involved a fair amount of travelling and rolled on an annual commitment.
It all worked fine until DS was doing his GCSEs and I said I couldn't attend a 6 day stint at an event.
My boss was fuming and told me the organisation were fed up of standing in as the df and I'd have to speak to him for childcare. My DC's df lives in France now and they knew this.
I was within my rights and knew it.
Just saying read your t&C's and work hard to the rules.
It's not right you should be expected to look after DC poorly or appointment attendance AND work!

I don’t think a childminder would look after your children if they were sick, I’m pretty sure they have the same rules and policies as Nursery. A poorly child just needs to rest at home with mum or dad and you will have to figure out a solution between you. It’s really difficult

To me this makes no sense as surely your child is more likely to get ill if ill children are allowed to go!

I am the same situation as you, I am a teacher and my husband is self employed in a similar role to yours. When my children are ill I am under huge pressure to come in. However as you say if my husband doesn't work then he doesn't get paid. It's been most worse since COVID as this 'key worker's narrative has evolved where my employer thinks that he should miss his work over me.

I think the only fair way is to split it between us. Luckily with my kids being older they are ill much less. I hate it when people think you should ask GPs to help too, fine for some illnesses but nothing contagious.

We have a similar job set up and no 'default parent' is needed if you take it in turns.

@Purpleturtle46 I am a teacher and my husband is self employed in a similar role to yours. When my children are ill I am under huge pressure to come in. However as you say if my husband doesn't work then he doesn't get paid. It's been most worse since COVID as this 'key worker's narrative has evolved where my employer thinks that he should miss his work over me.

As a teacher, do you still get paid for taking days off for any days you take off to look after your ill DC, or are they taken as unpaid leave? (genuine question)

I think we get a small number of paid days, can't remember exactly what and then it's unpaid. Outwith COVID and all the isolations (which they made an exception for) I have never gone over my allocation (touch wood) so not sure how strict they are with it in practice.

My MIL is great at taking the kids last minute which has avoided some days off but I wouldn't ask if they were miserable or contagious.

@Purpleturtle46 Thank you for the reply :)

( judging by the time, I presume you're not teaching later on today 😊 - do you teach part-time?)

I (genuinely) wonder about the fact that people in employment can take paid time off for family emergencies / child care, but people who are self employed can't ...............

I think you’re looking at this wrong, you’ll potentially loose your only job. He’ll disappoint one or two of many customers. Tradespeople are renowned for letting timescales slip. I’m sure in most jobs when it’s painted is not crucial. He explains and is honest.