To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

There's the conceptual side of this that you're not being unreasonable, and likely everyone, including your boss and co-workers, would agree with that. Then there are probably people in your team who ended up going home late or having to take on extra work/stress because you weren't there, or teams relying on your team that are getting input late and that's screwing up their deadlines. And yes, realistically, they'll be getting fed up.

So absolutely, you need to look at better emergency childcare options, it's hopefully short-lived, but you and DH need to balance it better or find backup such as emergency nannies. But also take a step back and look at the workload of the whole team. Is there a better way to spread things? Is there work you can pick up at home more easily and deal with whilst with DC, which can ease your team's workload or speed up output? Are all the processes as efficient as they could be? You're the manager, so you need to manage this situation (as you would have to if it was one of your team members taking time off) and improve your team's output and response times because, ultimately, that's what you earn your salary for.

Your employers might genuinely be nice, and recognise that this is a short-term situation in the scheme of things. Very likely it is, you know. It feels massive to you right now, but you're not even talking till he's in school. Just until he hopefully starts getting ill a bit less. Maybe they recognise that you're doing your best and maybe you're not slipping as much as you think you are. Just thoughts.

What are you on about, they totally exist. Sad for you you don't think so.

"I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC"

Stop doing this, a man would never admit this, he'd portray himself as number one employee and super dad in one. Stop talking yourself down, and just get on with the job. As they say, never explain, never complain.

Since I went back to work in november my son's had two sickness bugs, cold, cough and flu. You need to be taking turns when it comes to sickness days with your husband and also asking family or friends to help you out. When I can't get as much done I will catch up with work when my son goes to bed at 7pm, if possible I would also start doing this to take some pressure off your team.

Most people do understand that babies pr children starting nursery will pick up every illness going. It's a tricky period to navigate, however it sounds like your performance needs to improve. I don't think they are giving you mixed messages just not biding the truth from you that while they understand your baby is falling ill there are consequences for your team in thar work is falling behind.

I employ people myself and I would want to see some willing to improve output if this had extended beyond a couole of months.

Can ypu offer making up time from home? If you've missed 20 hours even making up 5 would have a massive impact. Or would an agreement to work from home 100% during this bedding in period help? There must be something you can think of ypu can offer informally to help yout team grt back on track.

No employer wants to feel exploited, if your husband can't take more of thr load I would try to do something like the above. It will be appreciated.

He can make up his days when you are off surely? If he takes a day midweek then he can work a Saturday to cover that lost day?

It gets easier mine always seemed to have caught something from nursery now they hardly get ill both in primary now. Also if he's not major I'll give him calpol and send him in ask them to give him it in the day also sometimes I kept mine off and they perked right up after a calpol and could of gone in.

Lots of people have made the point about splitting days with DH which I agree with.

In your position I’d also try and see whether I could also find some emergency childcare. If you’ve got any family members not too far away? Or a babysitter who lives reasonably locally? You might still need to take the first sick day off to organise but afterwards you can work from whilst ds’s home with the other person caring for him.

Do you and DH both have weekends off? If so I would look at making up time on a weekend day if you’ve had time off in the week. Whilst your employer can’t expect you to do that, I think it’ll be worth it to feel a bit more positive about your own performance.

Your dh needs to step up and take on more, ideally 50%. It’s irrelevant if he’s self employed…you’re employed! You have just as much commitment as he does. Stop putting his work first!
Also you sometimes beed to be creative to get the work hours in, which can mean evening, nights, days off, weekends. Its not fair to your employer or colleagues.

On a more positive note, this period does pass and balancing childcare and work does get a little easier the older they get regarding illnesses . So hang in there

This. All day long!
OP read your post. Terrible. You won’t get fired but it’s a YABU still as YABU!

Wow what a response. Does your employer know that this is how you feel about your work vs his?

Not much to add other than I remember it well and I hated teaching and either calling in with such DC or driving 40 extra min to drop them off somewhere do that I could go to work. With both of mine their immunity got soooo much better once they hit 3 year old. Only you know what your employer is truly like they probably just know you well and understand that this is a period of change. Believe them. They’d let you know if it was the other way around (as mine at one work place did several times)

Calling in sick

I was going to say that - obviously your DH doesn't want to be in a situation where he's flaking out on work he has already committed to, but maybe for now he could schedule in a bit less work so that he has a bit more flexibility. It won't last long, this phase - the first winter is always the worst, come the spring it will settle down with the illnesses again. Even if he was able to pick up childcare in the evenings so you had time to finish things off, would that be an option?

I thought you may find it interesting that I am the higher earner and the woman and self employed, but otherwise am in the same situation as you. I have two in nursery. I pick up the slightly higher slack due to having the flexibility to shuffle things around with clients. People understand that young children is a challenging time - I’m sure your husband has clients with children? Also, if I feel like we’re taking the piss then as a last resort I ask my Mum to come and look after sick child. Do you have an option like that? It’s just spacing it out so everyone’s experience of absence is less frequent.

Our kids were always bringing something home from the childminder 😭 one week she said, “my child has pink eye. It’s up to you if you want to send them in this week but if they get pink eye I won’t be able to have them in the setting” 🙄.

I really hope this is the case: we have an almost 3 year old!

This is true. My parents had loads of work done to the house a year or so ago. Used the same man (who did a brilliant job) and it was a running joke as to will he turn up, how long will he be on his dinner break /getting supplies.
I'm sure he was doing childcare some of the time but he did a good job and the work rarely ran over by more than half a day.
There's no reason why your DH can't do the same. Most people will understand.
Be careful with a CM though. We used a combination of CM and nursery. CM was really strict about illness (as she didn't want other children /her children /herself to get sick). Plus you have to work around her holidays and illness.
So I agree your DH needs to do more but also winter tends to be the worst time for bugs in childcare. A few months it'll hopefully be warmer and your DC won't get so sick.

OP, I guarantee you that if you were self-employed and your husband worked in an office, you would be saying, "I take time off when my child is sick because my job is flexible and DH's is not, he needs to be in the office."

Think about that.

Everything crossed. It did seem to be the magic number with us. I feel for you, I remember us so well

It was the same at my place and it’s only getting better now in terms of less sickness etc after 8 months of being back! It genuinely was fine, yes it’s a bit rubbish all round that it puts more pressure on, everything’s a bit slower, I did more evening work to make it up a bit, but things adjust again and go back to normal.

Are you logging on again in the evening to pick up the slack from the productivity you missed when looking after your sick child? Your work sound very reasonable but it’s hardly fair on your colleagues to pick up your work constantly and undoubtedly they will be talking about it. You should probably use some annual leave too, mix it up so you’re not constantly being paid when you’re not working. I’d be making sure I met my target for the day, so i’d be logging back on for a few hours once DH was home. He can do dinner / bath time etc.

I sometimes find myself In this situation. DH starts later I.e 10am so I can start work at 7am. That gives me 3 hours. Toddler sleeps for a bit in the day (1.5-2hrs) and I take a lunch which gives me around 3 hours. Then I log on in the evenings whilst DH tidies and organises for the folllowing day, this gives me 2 - 3 hours.

I get my working day done because I know I need too, work would NEVER say otherwise as my employer is very progressive, but you will be managed out otherwise unfortunately. Try to manage your workload at other times in the day and share the load with DH, even if it is just a few hours!

Don't you have a maximum allowance of "dependents days"? At my work we're only allowed three days off every year to look after sick children, and after that we have to take unpaid leave.

Essentially, it's up to your employer to decide their terms and to enforce them. They're not exactly over a barrel here - they could easily have a policy like above, which would be considered reasonable.

If you mean that you're being paid in full for "working from home" whilst you're actually looking after a poorly toddler, and your employers don't necessarily know this, then that's a different matter.