To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

I was exactly in the same position at work after both of my pregnancies. It took me ages each time to get back into it (probably because the first time conditions were shit as my manager had left, and the second I was completely demotivated by the role).

My experience was that everyone above me was quite lenient because they had gone through the same/similar thing - even the fathers - and we generally have quite a flex culture in the company. So I would take their feedback at face value, if they say it's ok then it probably is. As long as you show awareness that things needs to improve in a few months once things have settled that's fine.
The impact was that my annual rating and therefore bonus was lower than usual, which was fair and expected.

The biggest problem for me was the impact on my direct reports and I definitely prioritised my team over my personal deliverables.

First childminder thst o have never took it when they were ill as she was minding a few kids, she had the same rules regarding illness than creche. My second childminder that I used for younger kid was only minding her do she did not mind taking her if a bit under the weather.

It's pretty obvious your DH needs to step up. Why on earth have you done all the sick days so far? That's madness. No wonder your colleagues appear miffed.

You lose your job and that's the guaranteed income from the household gone. Why are you risking that?

Make your mind up. You should realise how lucky you are with this generous and understanding employer, and that you need to sort your child care more effectively. You also should try acknowledging the effect your erratic absebces have on your team, because at the moment, as you say, your boss is trying to manage the resentment that is building.
You are having your cake and eating it at the moment. Your currently excellent employer is unlikely to be so tolerant for much longer, plus you are potentially fucking up discretionary leave for those following.
Why not find a job that suits your needs, or get childcare

I don't think childminder will take unwell child, and it's not easy to find one that you will trust. We used childminder, she was brilliant but she shouldn't need to take on children with illness.
Your employers response seems sensible and down to earth. I was in your situation myself and suffered with self doubt. The first year back to work is the worst, it gets better after that.
Can you do any of your work once your toddler is asleep? I used to catch up with some tasks on the evenings and weekend.

Employees are human beings, not robots, and everyone has periods where their performance/attendance is impacted by life. Why would they sack you and take on someone else, surely that was cause more issues as they’d need induction/training etc. Your husband needs to do his share so you’re not taking it all on yourself. If I’ve felt I’ve had a period of lower productivity (not official absence) I try to give back some of the time or help address the workload in the weekend on the odd occasion, could your husband step in to let you do this.

Your self employed husband cannot reorganise his work, leave some gaps in his schedule for childcare emergencies? Why not? He’s his own boss, isn’t he? And you wonder if it’s OK that your employer loses out and that your colleagues have to pick up the slack? Well I don’t find it OK at all. You planned well (full time nursery) but clearly it isn’t working out at all. Your husband needs to step up. See if he likes it to lose out, just as your employer and colleagues are doing now. (The difference being that this is about his baby - not your employer’s or any of your colleagues’ baby.) Or get a childminder, it sounds like you can afford it? Life is about choices, you both have a choice to do better.

I think even if your employers patience hasn’t yet run out I bet the rest the your teams has. You are making life hard for them so that you husband doesn’t have to make any sacrifices. That is completely unreasonable.
and as a pp said I’ve never had a tradesman not be late or change dates last minute. It won’t stop him getting work but when you get sacked that will stop you getting a job

This. It’s another example of the motherhood penalty.

Dad has to step in though…

Agree with you on the husband part but don’t think childminder would take sick children either, and also, it’s not particularly nice for the child. This is why dependency leave exists.

Solo parent over here, I have to take all the sickness time.

Saying that, if I were in a busy period, I would hire a babysitter and WFH out of the way, or catch up after hours. Or both. Work in the evening to catch up.

I feel like if work is so flexible that you can get the work done whenever as long as you hit deadlines, then you should still be able to do this. Have teams on your phone and manage the people stuff ad-hoc, and do the actual work after hours.

Can you set days and hours? Or does your husband decide if he's working early/late and you flex accordingly?

I had similar happen when mine were younger, first few winters in nursery were rough for us all. DH worked away so it was always me that had to take holiday and stay home. It does pass though and now they barely ever miss a day from school.

Is there any family that could help? Even for a few hours so you could get some work done or could you catch up in the evening? Otherwise it is just riding it out until it passes.

Same, never known a new parent (man or woman) where I work to not require a lot of flexibility when having a young child. I also suspect there's a lot of people on this thread who would do the same as OP if their partner was self employed.

I think you need to think longer term. Your child won't always be this young. Once they start school there will be illnesses and school plays, assemblies etc. you'll want flexibility to go to things like that but you can't expect it if you use up all their goodwill.

My manager is really good but can see we share illnesses and inset days. When I ask for time for school events they tend to let me. I've a colleague who is off a lot with their children as her husband has a job where he can't get time off (!) and their patience is wearing thin with her.

I am of two minds on this situation. On the one hand, if you were a single parent, you'd miss just as much work as you do now. However, you are not a single parent. You husband needs to step up, otherwise resentment will eventually build up between you two.

I think if I were your DH I would be allowing more time than I need for each job and also prioritising Saturdays when you will definitely be available (I assume).

He won't damage his reputation if he takes on a doable amount of work and does it reliably.

The other thing is, as others have said, it isn't your works problem that your children are ill or your husband is self employed, they will just want you to be fair with them.

My daughter went to a childminder and was rarely ill.

Might be worth considering this as an alternative to nursery?

I mean she was ill occasionally but nowhere near the level you're describing.

I think this is the reality for most mothers going back to work. All children in childcare get ill somewhat often so time off work is inevitable. I’d just do as much as you can, of everything, without killing your self in the process. It’s not an ideal answer but if you want/need to work that’s what has to happen from the parents’ POV. I couldn’t manage it and was effectively managed out but if your boss is supportive you have an ally there. There are many threads on mn about parents’ burnt out and not coping so take heed of those and do what you can.. this period is not forever. Lots of luck x

most weeks he can’t go at least a couple of days due to illness

And this has been going on for 6 months? This seems really excessive.

If you child is so unwell that he has to miss nursery every week I’d take him for a check up with a private paeds. Mine had constant ent issues and the consultant put him on antibiotics three times a week. And yes of course it’s normal to have sniffles every week and a draw full of calpol syringes, but off every week sounds odd. Or you could give him meds and take him to nursery.

it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it by cramming it into two days. WFH with a sick kid is not wfh.

A couple of days most weeks? If I read that right it is a lot .... are you sure he isnt able to attend some of those days? I can't quite think of the right words but I mean this is a nice way but are you sure you aren't being too soft as such some days?

Have you considered changing hours/role? The current role doesn't work for you. Do you really have to wait until you get fired? Get proactive. Also not fair on the team to take on extra work because of you. Are they getting paid for the extra bit you were supposed to take over?

Unless the child is vomiting or very unwell send them in.

My childminder doesn’t take unwell kids (does anyone?) but both my DC had a lot less illnesses and bugs at DC. They are exposed to fewer children and adults (sometimes 2-3 kids only) and generally I found it cleaner at a childminders. No kids running around w snotty noses, lots of handwashing etc.