To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

Just out of interest, if your job was fully office based do you think youd still keep your DS at home from nursery as much or are you possibly just not sending him in because hes a bit under the weather? Im not saying he should go in if he’s really poorly, btw!

A decorator? Decent ones are rare as hens teeth. I wait months for my one and he comes to me after he does the school run and never works beyond 2pm on a Friday. He tells clients that and if they aren't happy then so be it. He is so good people wait.

He also leaves extra time between jobs in case they over run so he sometimes asks to start earlier but very rarely pushes back (I don't think he ever has).

He is playing you for a fool.

You are entitled to parental leave. It is unpaid, but you should use it.

I had a very sick child who had lots of operations and that’s what I used.

Dont work from home with a sick child. I would consider that an absence.

Be careful because you are showing the company that they can actually manage without you.

When my Dc were young, my DH did not get sick pay from his job, and any time off for emergency childcare was unpaid. Why we’re literally living from paycheck to paycheck every month. Him losing a couple of days pay would have been the difference between paying the mortgage or eating, things were that tight. So in reality, if our DC were ill, I took the time off (paid) to care for them.

Exactly. There are loads of dads in their work stuff on the school runs here - loads drop the kids off in the van, work until 3 and pick them up again after!

This. It is ridiculous to say her DH must take days off. If I had a decorator coming who said he'd be done in a week and then takes 2 because his kid was ill 3 times, I wouldn't find it funny at all. Someone in a salaried job is in a way better position to take time off.
You also have to think long term, if they want a second DC then OP will inevitably take time off for mat leave. ( DH physically cannot give birth) Would you have this family with no income/ only mat leave pay since DH job was not prioritised?

Lots of people can't comprehend this and choose to just judge instead. Reality is we do what's best for our families, in this case I'd do the same as you and OP!

Childminders absolutely do not take sick children. If they catch the bugs, they too are self employed and cannot afford to be off work to not get paid.
Your DH needs to split the sick days with you 50/50. This will protect the team’s frustration with you and go in your favour with line management.

Exactly! People are so hyper focused on "everything should be 50-50, that they lose all reason and practicality. It does not matter if the dh has to take of a day each week, effectively losing a quarter of his months work time. ( one week out of 4). Thus only getting 3/4 of his salary as long as he does his fair share!
The family can be poorer, but at least work is doled out fairly. It is just ridiculous.

What @schoolfeeslave said!

If the DH is polite and does a good job the clients will wait - there's such a shortage of all trades.

I had to wait 6 months last year for a painting job from my (very popular for good reason) contractor.

Honestly it’s just like this for the first year. The second year is better when their immune systems are better/they stop licking all the germ ridden stuff. I felt I was pushing my luck when I was newly back at work but the second year is so much better.

OP says he travels with work so I'm assuming he's a commercial decorator. Does he have any staff OP?

Edited to add: whatever it is he does he needs to step up - especially now you have highlighted your under-performance to your boss!

And you need to be finding ways to make up hours / catch up with work!

Your child care is not suitable.
Is there any other time during the week when you can routinely make up work hours of an evening or an afternoon when DC sleeps, or on a weekend while DH minds the baby?

You could work more than the three days until you feel that you are doing your fair share of work. I imagine your boss could not ask you to do this but you still might be able to informally put in more hours in a helpful way at your own insistance.

It’s a tough one. On one hand of course parents need some protection when it comes to sick DC and work. I believe that there is parenting leave available for a week unpaid and then you could take unpaid leave to cover the rest.

Perhaps your manager is unhappy, but can’t say anything because they are wary of laws and discrimination.

On the other side I feel for your colleagues. At any one time at least a third of my colleagues are off sick or dealing with an issue at home. I’ve not had a day off sick for 13 months. I’m one of a few that have to do our own job and pick up the slack. I’m exhausted and I’m over it, and I’m looking for another job. Your colleagues may be feeling the same.

I also work in such an organisation. It is healthcare allied, so they have more than a little understanding of people getting sick, needing time for their families. We are actively encouraged to take time out for sports days, school plays etc, and they are flexible around childcare needs. I supervise an all female team, half of whom have children below school age and another 1/3 who have school age ones. I have another with a very sick husband who needs help regularly too. I have an elderly parent that I have had to support a lot recently, due to the other parent dying. We all take the time we need for our parenting or other family responsibilities, whether that is from sickness or other. Having a family friendly culture is incredible for employee recruitment and retention as well as overall morale.

I am sorry you have not found similar.

@NameChanged25 Having said the above, I do think you need to be a bit smarter in your thinking here . Your company know that when you are at full capacity, you are a good employee and worker and that the first winter back is the toughest. They are right, and looking to the mid- to long-term. But for your colleagues and their families, if they have to stay late, who are impacted by it weekly at the moment, that is scant compensation. My team only have to cover each other's work if one is on holiday, as we can flex around sickness etc. If resentment is building, you need to make some changes pronto. If you lose your job, it will get a lot harder for your family. An occasional day of lost income for your husband will be much easier replaced than an entire salary.

And stop saying things like 'don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch'. It highlights and draws attention to the problem and no man would say it. Ever.

PS I would be delighted to have an honest tradesman for non-urgent work like decorating who said sorry, going to have to start late/finish early, need to look after my baby. Or needed to switch days etc. It would show he is putting his partner and family ahead of himself. I like that in people I ask to work on my house.

Hopefully it's just a blip while DS builds his immune system. It happens.

If your boss has kids they'll understand. But do try and get DH to pickup some of the slack.

Dh is self employed and needs to do half the illness cover.
If you are not performing as well because you are also looking after I'll child, when husband comes home, work some of the time back you have missed in the day.

Just quoting the poster above as it is important :

And stop saying things like 'don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch'. It highlights and draws attention to the problem and no man would say it. Ever.

I’m a director in a company and have seen countless women go through this period, some with more or less luck than others. Unless you work in a completely draconian place with horrible co-workers, I’d hedge my bets that no one really cares and they are all just getting on with it as the season it is.

Obviously don’t start out by expecting it / asking them if they do that - they’ll probably say no 🤣 But I’ve found as we’ve developed a relationship it’s been a lot more flexible than nursery. Meet a few different ones if you decide on this route. Good luck x

Yes this!! Own it, OP. You’re doing your best. Your attitude will speak volumes to your employer 👏

So, your husband won't lose money in order to ensure his own child is looked after but you expect your employer to bear the cost instead.

Is your employer the father of your baby and not your husband?

If so, crack on.

If not, you and your husband are taking the piss by expecting a biological stranger to bear the cost.

That is the wrong attitude. You will have to take a bit of a financial hit. Think of your team and your colleagues - they are picking up your work. To be frank I wouldn’t work for you and and I wouldn’t work with you. But I would be supportive if I was your boss.

your team will start to leave because it isn’t fair. You either need to pay for a different type of childcare which can take your baby when he is sick or your husband needs to make some sacrifices:

Childminders do not take sick children. They will be just as strict as nurseries on illnesses as they follow the same regulations.

However, it is not normal for your child to be sent home from nursery every week. I would look into this closer as I know of a nursery that would send children home due to them being short staffed and over ratio. Is your child actually ill when they are sent home?

Your DH needs to share the childcare, consider a nanny or do you have relatives that could step in an emergency?

It does get better/easier as they get older. I remember feeling like this with my work - just try and remember this is only for a short period of time. The first winter at nursery is awful for wee one’s - they catch everything. When I went back from maternity leave after my first born I had 2 instances of him not being well enough/sent home from nursery all within the first 3 weeks, it was such a stressful time. After we got that first winter over with it’s not been anywhere near as difficult to juggle. Try and be kind to yourself.