To think I’m pushing it with my employer?

[NameChanged25]

….even though they haven’t said anything?

i returned from mat leave 6 months ago, full time desk job with some management responsibilities (it’s well paid).
im meant to be in the office 3 days a week but manage 2 max due to juggling pickups and drop offs (the commute is long and I need to do either pickup or drop off and DH does the opposite)
the other problem is, I seem to have so many childcare issues, with DC being unwell, appointments, can’t go to nursery because he’s vomited, has temperature etc etc. for example this week he’s had a chest infection and I have him at home with me so working is really difficult. He’s always seems to have some bug or another which affects my ability to work. DH does what he can but is self employed and travels a lot so more of the docs appointments and childcare falls on me. I get paid for ‘emergency childcare’ and it’s quite informal so no official record of how much time I’m out and I just get my normal salary regardless.

spoke to my employer again this week, and they were supportive and said don’t worry, can’t be helped etc, but I mentioned that I don’t think my performance / productivity is up to scratch because I’m taking so much time out for DC. They did also acknowledge as a small team we are falling short and responses are slower, output is less but “don’t worry - you need to give your little one time to adjust to nursery / build their immune system and we understand can’t be helped, the work/team improvements can wait - just do what you can for now”
so I feel the messages are a bit mixed. Since I’ve returned the team have been given extra work which I am effectively expected to take on, but basically the 3 other team members are picking up more than they did when I was on leave, and I think my boss is trying to balance their building resentment with supporting me.

YABU - it’s fine, they have not explicitly said there is a problem so just carry on and hope DC’s immune system gets better
YANBU - I’m taking the mick, and I’m soon going to be fired

I am a woman with dc and this is exactly what made me go self-employed, even though I was in a very well paid job. We were supposed to pick up the slack of those who returned from maternity leave. I can't even describe the resentment -in addition to the usual illnesses, etc. it was 'Toby has a concert I have asked to leave early', 'Illie is in a play, I have asked to leave early'. They openly took the piss. Same with demands for working from home - their input was so sub-standard, that it came to not asking them to do things, because we would have to re-do them. It was not easy to get adjusted to being self-employed, it was scary, but the relief that I did not have to do somebody's work for free just because little Toby has a concert or suchlike, was enormous.

Her DH needs to step up too! I am also self employed and sometimes I have to take time off and lose money. It happens when you have kids.

Do you are making your DH's reputation in affect your employers problem. Getting the balance right is important. What about your reputation? what about it you lose your job? why is DH so much more important than you?

No professional advice, just wanted to reassure you that you’ll come through the other side soon enough! We had one winter where I might as well not have gone back to work as my child was sick so often. After that almost never ill at all. X

They are not only answerable to themselves, they are also answerable to their clients! As a decorator if he has to delay a job he’s half way through, it delays his next job! It will only take a few bad reviews and his work will dry up! No doubt if he was working for you, you’d be one who’d leave a bad review if he had to delay your work!

I absolutely wouldn’t go with a childminder. They bring up their own host of problems. If they’re unwell or have an accident or injury then your child can’t attend. You also have to factor in a childminder taking holidays and need to plan around that which is really restrictive.

Your child will develop immunity in time and things will get much better as we head into spring but I agree that in the meantime there’s no alternative other than your husband stepping up and sharing some of the burden for now

OP, are you actually angling to give up work and be a SAHM for a while?

That’s a legitimate choice (though comes with lots of risks, mainly for you) but you need to be honest with everyone concerned if you are. A child off nursery a few days every week is unusual, and a DH that ‘can’t’ possibly help is perhaps a convenient excuse if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed being back at work.

It’s so common to have work delayed! I genuinely don’t understand why tradespeople don’t manage expectations better. I bake in delays to the work, if that was the basis for bad reviews I wouldn’t pay any attention.

Is this your first? If so the period where they start nursery is like this, with bugs every two seconds - particularly at this time of year. It gets easier as their immune system builds. You are not taking the piss, you are doing what you need to to look after your child and do the best you can at work. Reality is when you have kids they are the most important thing. It’s very possible that your manager knows this from experience and is trying to support you. It will get easier, perhaps you could alternate child care with your partner on the days you child is ill? Or ask grandparents/family for the odd bit of last min help?

You CANNOT take unwell children to a childminder!
People are saying that with there being less children in the setting your child is less likely to get ill, and that they are more likely to allow your child back if they're well again 24 hours later rather than enforcing 48 hours.
No one should be using a childminder because they think it means they can send an unwell child!

I think your workplace is supportive while you’re figuring things out. You can’t expect more than that.

Something’s got to give. Husband could take a day off during the week enabling you to work a third day in the office. You could look for a job closer to home - long commutes and nursery pick-ups hardly ever work. You could pay for extra childcare at the end of the nursery day - a nursery worker perhaps or a student/retired neighbour who wants to make extra money.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard. Be open with your team that you want to do more and are working things out.

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

No, you are not pushing it with your employer, you are pushing it with you colleagues who have to pick up the slack

I voted that you are being unreasonable.

I don't mean to be harsh but your DH needs to take his share of the burden here.

We had a deal - the first 9 months of work after maternity leave my DH had to deal with the sick days.

First, I felt it only fair as I had already taken off a lot of time during mat leave when DH had only taken 2 weeks paternity leave.

Second, it is really hard going back to work after maternity leave. Although it shouldn't be held against you, in reality it is. Not necessary by bosses but by your peers who have usually had to pick up the slack. I wanted to get back in there and build back my goodwill.

Ok, he is self employed but that should make his working day more flexible, surely? He just doesn't want to. My DH didn't either - 9 times out of 10 he drafted his mother in but, it wasn't my problem to solve. After the 9 months we took it in turns (but it wasn't such an issue then anyway).

If you knew you wouldn't be able to make 3 days in the office I really think you should have been upfront about that and ask for flexible working arrangements.

Also - if you think it is difficult now then school will be even worse for you.

This,! Your DH needs to share the burden. It shouldn't all be on you. If someone is self employed it is usually them who find it easier to take days off. I think you're making excuses for your DH.

Why don't you take a few days of annual leave to help navigate these first few weeks. I think for me the issue is that you're taking some leave days that are not really clearly documented because you don't know how many you have. At some point it will be "too many" and then you'll be a bit stuck. So if you took some annual leave, maybe to cover a day or so per week and DH also wound things down to cover another day or two, you could probably cover most sickness.
Your commute seems very long which isn't going to help long term, so you may want to put in a flexible working application to work from home more days or look for a job that's more convenient.

Hello. I’ve got some suggestions. My DH is also self employed and I’m employed FT. We have a baseline that he is kind of in charge of child related stuff Mon-Wed and I do Thurs-Sun. This doesn’t mean the other doesn’t do anything on those days, it’s more that if stuff comes up we’ve worked things out so he has more flexibility towards the start of the week and me at the end. We obviously swop things around when unexpected things happen as and when we need to. We also used a childminder for a few years 2 days a week when it was difficult to have the flexibility. Now and again my mum helped too (she had to travel some distance to do so). I don’t think I ever missed a day due to my DD being ill as between us we had it covered. It also meant our DD has such a great relationship with my DH and my mum and would love daddy or grandma days. Anyway, just some thoughts.

Everyone sounds reasonable. Manager understands, team possibly struggling woth workload, you feeling guilty.

My childminder did not take sick children so worth checking before moving. Also less cover if childminder sick.

Could you catch up ok your workload in evenings after dh is home if your dc is ill?

Hmmm

Totally depends. Are you getting the job done around childcare? We are flexible so as long as the job is done, short term problems would be accepted. Or tasks changed, we had an employee with cancer who wanted to stay working rather than go sick- we worked around them.

Local Authority put up with short and long term sickness for decades.
We now have a new Head of Service who will not tolerate it and he will say it’s time to ‘get rid of them’. Depends what the reason is obviously.

I would be told to tell you to take unpaid leave/time off for dependants in the circumstances you describe, I’d have to record every conversation. Then eventually begin the process with HR if things didn’t improve.
If your manager is supportive then it’s great for you in the short term, I’d worry about never progressing there though and what my colleagues thought if this were to carry on.

But your job performance and reputation coul DD be taking a beating if this keeps going. The fact you get to keep your salary doesn't mean your job is unaffected and your job isn't less important than his.

Could you at all afford a nanny at home for a month or two?The reality is, back-to back illnesses don't really build immunity. What happens is that baby is ill and before he has fully recoverd he is sent back to the germs. His body never really gets time to fight the infection. As soon as it has been 24 or 48 hours after vomiting say, he back to getting up early and being in nursery. And it is a double whammy because yes he is back at the germs but more importantly he cannot sleep. rest and eat as much as he needs to fully recover. It is just go go go with the rest of the kids' schedule at nursery. If at all possible I would keep him home with a nanny for a month or 3 so that his immunity can get stronger. Contrary to popular belief, children's immunity get stronger as they age, not through how many nasty bugs they've had. Think of a newborn. No -one says "remember to let everyone kiss him now and if there is an illness around, have a party so that he can build his immunity" No, we say, keep him home, keep him away from the illnesses, he need to build his immunity through skin-to skin contact with mum, breastmilk, you name it. Maybe your baby needs another few months at home. It has got to be utterly miserable to be sick to often

Being self-employed doesn't mean your DH gets to opt out of everything parent related during the week.

If I were you I'd get him doing more of the school runs and prioritise getting yourself into the office for the three days you're supposed to be there. Then split sick days etc. between you.

Both DH and I are self-employed - we don't even have children and have both had to take various days off over the years for sickness, elderly relatives or sick animals. It happens and it's really not the end of the world or the end of your business.

Yes, you lose some income but that's something you need to factor into your overall costs. As a decorator, presumably DH could also offer to do a weekend day instead if he has to take a weekday off.

When your DC can't go to nursery, are you able to get some work done when they are asleep or in the evening after your DH is home? As you are set up to work from home, could you catch up with your work at the weekend when your DH is there to look after your baby?

A lot of your work must be falling on your team to do, so I would imagine that they may be becoming resentful and complaining to your manager.

I'm not sure why your DH's job is being prioritised so that he never does the child care or doctor's appointments. Surely as he is self employed he has some flexibility.

As a manager I completely understand that when little kids are nursery age they get every bug going, especially the first winter. I even warn parents that’s what will happen.

But my bugbear is “I have to take the time off because my DH is self employed”. Even when it was someone very senior who definitely earnt way more than her DH.

And yet funnily enough every female friend I know who is self employed does all the last-minute childcare because they are self employed and therefore flexible, and their DH can’t have his inflexible important job impacted.

So basically it’s a male-female thing not an employed-self employed thing, and drives me mad.

So as a manager I’d start to get a bit tetchy about now regarding the dad not doing his fair share.

Um,.,.how would your feel if DH employee thought the same as you when working for DH?