My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

I think it's important to put yourself in your SDs shoes. No 13 year old is 13 going on 30. She is still a 13 year old young girl.

Once you have this in your head then try to understand a little of how her fear of losing her dad is like to be primal. Don't forget she doesn't live with you full time so sees her dad on a limited basis. The issue isn't you, don't make it about you. The issue is there is a little girl who is feeling insecure and needs to know she's loved and cherished. I would say it's massively down to your DH to spend as much time wjth her as possible and even when baby is here to make sure he dedicates time to her. Being 13 is an insecure time. She has hormones to deal with too. Be kind.

Also btw you and your DH are the adults and a lot of your post makes you sound like a young child throwing their toys out of the pram.

IME teenagers will push boundaries, test your love for them and see how far they can push you away and you’ll still be there in a loving non divorced family.

this is a difficult time to throw a baby into the mix. Both of you but especially her Dad need to reassure her not just with words but with actions.

Poor little lass.

Is there a reason why he hardly sees her?

Can he not step up and be a more equal parent? It may help her to feel less insecure.

She's a 13 year old who's already had her world turned upside down by her parents splitting up, it sounds dad had a previous girlfriend he then split up with, and now you're on the scene and having a baby that is getting a lot of attention and excitement from the family and of course she's worried about how it's going to affect her!! You need to act like 30 year olds here, not her.

In the Mumsnet phrase, you have a DP problem, not a DSD problem. His daughter is understandably feeling worried about the impact a new half sibling will have on their relationship, so what is he doing to reassure her? Is he doing anything (or is he just burying his head in the sand with all this ridiculous "she's so excited about the new baby!" business?)?

He needs to step up and parent his first child better. He doesn't get to "not like confrontation" as a get out of doing the more difficult parts of parenting, he can't just insist that she's fine because he doesn't want to deal with her not being fine.

Your step daughter needs reassurance, consistency, security, attention and boundaries. I'd be having a word with your partner and getting him to face up to things now because they will get much, much worse if he doesn't. Is there someone else in the family who can talk with him, does he have a sensible older brother or something? You and his daughter both deserve for him to parent better here.

How come he sees her so little?

I think you are misreading her behaviour as being about you and the coming baby. It isn’t. It’s about her and her dad and other relatives.

The other relatives need to be more considerate about how they talk in front of her. Her dad needs to step up and respond appropriately- not by telling her off, but by investing lits of time and attention to her and by reminding her to speak kindly to you.

None of you is more important than anyone else, you all have needs that deserve consideration. One of you is 13 and so will struggle to behave appropriately.

@NameyMcNameyson your comment is absolutely ridiculous - why on earth should the OP only have a relationship with men without children. It's ridiculous and adds nothing to the current situation.

@Newmum0207 all you can do is give clear boundaries on acceptable behaviour but have her as involved as you can be. I'd actually talk to her about the baby more, where will baby sleep, how might that impact her, helping her be involved so she can feel like she is welcoming the baby not fighting for her place

She barely sees him and she’s understandably worried about how a new baby will impact on their relationship and time together.

She is feeling threatened she will lose the love of her father. First you come along, and now a baby.

She probably feels well and truly sidelined, even though that isn’t your intention.

How long have you been together? It seems he had another girlfriend in his daughter’s life prior to you, which probably adds to her feelings of instability. How many girlfriends has she had to deal with? I say this, as my brother had girlfriend after girlfriend, and his poor kids met them all.

Be patient and kind - she is just a child.

This gives me vibes of trying to oust her step daughter, which is so common if you read the step parenting forums when she new partner has a baby. I hope she’s not in the Dads ear all the time trying to separate them. What examples of her “rude behaviour”? She called plates ugly? That’s it? It’s probably banter.

The teen comes first. Not daddy's current girlfriend, and certainly not dad himself - I find it so selfish to do this to kids. I really don't understand why anyone would take on someone who comes with kids, it's ALWAYS messy. There are tons of single people who don't have the complication of previous children. If she found one of those, she wouldn't be on here complaining about a 13yo girl.

13 is already a very tough age. Now her father is having a baby that will live with him full-time while she only gets to see him part-time. Her negative reaction is practically inevitable.

her father needs to double-down on positive attention both now and after the baby is born.

he needs to do everything possible to reassure her that he isn’t replacing her with his second family. Not by telling her, but by showing her with his actions. The problem with that will be that many men are in fact perfectly happy to push out their older children in exchange for the younger children there every day. If he isn’t sincere, she is going to see right through him.

At 13 her behaviour should absolutely be corrected... I have a dc with a new dh. My dc have never been disrespectful to my dh in over a decade... Never been negative about their new sibling either... Not to be accepted as hormones or feeling of being pushed out.. I bet her df told her in an apologetic way about the baby. Nonsense.. A new addition to the family not a replacement. She 13 not 3...she's being bratty.

@NameyMcNameyson my husband chose me and my two children, I couldn't imagine life without him and he's given us all so much. My life wouldn't be what it is if I'd only dated men with children already.

What's important is working towards a healthy blended family, and as the OP is here asking for help tells me that's exactly what she wants

She has seen her grandparents favour her cousins so now she is worried that they will favour your baby. She is also afraid her father will favour the baby and forget about her as her grandmother has done

Your partner needs to speak to his parents and tell them what she thinks and get them to engage with her more, likewise he needs to do stuff with her.

include her when you buy stuff for the baby, let her help choose clothes, pram etc, can she help a bit preparing the baby’s room. Can you also decorate her room at the same time?

Poor kid. She’s already had her life turned upside down, she’s at a tricky age too, and now she’s feeling sidelined and less important. This was always likely to happen if you decided to have a child together. Your partner really needs to step up here and do some serious work re reassurance etc. It may come good, it may not op (this could become a long term issue if not handled well) - I think you need to make allowances for how she will be feeling.

You both need to be the adults here, she is a child who is feeling very vulnerable and in threat of losing her dad to 'our first child together'. This language - whilst factually correct - sounds upsetting to a child, especially who doesn't see her dad that often.
Be the adults, hide your baby social media stuff from her, talk to the wider family about restricting baby talk and let her dad reassure her that she is and very much will continue to be his child. She needs constant reassurance and boundaries here.

Look at it from her POV. She barely sees her dad as it is and now her new half sibling is going to live with him permanently, something he doesn’t want to do with her. Is it really a surprise that she’s upset? I can’t stand men who bin off their first child/ren for family number 2/3/4. He should be taking care of her 50/50 at the very least.

This is not about you op. It’s about your SD.
You and your DP are the adults. It’s your job to make sure she feels included and loved from here on in.

Hormones or no hormones.

I remember at 13, my Dad getting married and having another baby.
I used to go to his house every other weekend but as I got to a teenager, I wanted to go less and spend some weekends with friends. However, I did still go.
I had my own room there which was decorated for me, and had a few of my things there ( I'd mostly take my own clothes though ) and one day I went and it had been turned into the nursery.
I then got a sofa bed in Dads office to pull out when I was there.
I get it, I wasn't there all the time, but I've never been made to feel less welcome. I don't really remember staying after that.

I agree with previous posters, I don't think it's actually about the baby. I think it's more likely to be about feeling like she's loosing her Dad and you if you do things together, spend girly days etc.

Could you speak to her and reassure her that she's still really important and that you will still do things together?

I think you've had some good advice that hopefully helps you empathise with SD more. You sound as if you were a bit naive in thinking that planning out how to tell her and then having the girly day that reassured her, that the issue was dealt with.

She needs consistent and ongoing reassurance and the message 'it's ok and understandable to feel insecure'. There are already insecurities in her and DH's relationship, often children can feel they have been 'left' when parents separate, or that the separation is their fault, deep down.

I get that you are pregnant and hormonal and don't want her moods impacting you just now. However you are now a step parent and parent to be, and these are the things we sign up for, hard as they are. Your DH needs to get real and see his daughter as a multi faceted human with a range of emotions rather than say she's happy because he wants it to be true.