My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

My response was to everyone jumping on that poster when tbh she’s right? Maybe should could have worded it more eloquently but if you’re going to put yourself in a messy step parent/kid’s situation it’s really not a nice situation for a child and you have to be an adult. Her post is the perfect example why. It’s littered with resentment about her step daughter & overreacting to the smallest thing.

@Newmum0207 Of course this poor teenager is justified in feeling very concerned about her taking second place and being usurped by a new child.

It’s a huge age gap and bound to be tough on her.

No wonder she fears she will be usurped.

I mean, yeah it sounds difficult, but she’s a child whose world is being turned upside down. I feel quite sorry for her. You’ve received lots of good advice and ideas from people with more experience than me but just had to say that.

PLEASE BE MY SAVIOUR AND EXPLAIN HOW I DO THIS?!

I’m a newly and I cannot keep up with the volume of “blended families are terrible” replies I’m getting!

A sub of grown adults complaining about how hard their life is with their step kids they don’t want yet chose to get with a man with kids?

I was 10 when my parents divorced. By 12 I had a lovely new stepmum. I adored her but I would have been devastated if my dad and her had a new baby. They didn’t in the end as one of the key reasons was my dad felt it would impact on me.

She can still love you and be devastated by the baby news. It’s a huge thing for a child and she is still so little!!

OP, imagine if you'd always had a long-distance relationship with your DP where you only saw him 4 days a month.

Then he moved one of his mates in and that mate was there 90% of the time that you visited, so you got even less time with your DP.

Then your DP said he'd found himself another GF, who was going to move in with him and that he'd still see you 4 times a month, but both his mate and his GF would be there each time; how would you feel? You'd be angry, feel pushed out and probably dump him wouldn't you?

Now, obviously, relationships and parenting are different, but your DSD has already had her (very limited) contact with her dad diluted by your presence and now he's telling her that he's going to have another DC living with him full time and everyone knows how demanding babies are.

You & DP will probably be tired when DSD visits and distracted by nappy changes and feeding and winding and changing the baby.

She'll be trying to study for really important exams whilst a baby cries or a toddler shrieks and plays in the house. There will be (even) less time and money to be spent on her and yet everyone is telling her what great news this new baby is.

Have a bit of empathy for the child. Your "happy news" is pretty shitty news for her.

13 is the age where hormones go hand in hand with stroppy behaviour, so the timing of her having a half sibling is unfortunate.

Rather than not talk about the baby I would involve her more if she wants to be involved.

She's not a fool, she's playing up with her dad and other family members but is keeping it in check with you so far.

Perhaps because she's mistakenly thinking if she upsets you, that you will turn her dad against her.

I would have some very clear cut plans that involve special times for just her.

Have a look at her bedroom at yours and see if it needs updating so it's clear she is part of your family in your home as well as the home with her mother.

Imagine he moved out and lived with his DD, coming back to you and your baby every other weekend. He told you not to worry, he still loves you just as much as he ever did.

I think sadly OP there is nothing you can do until your SD sees things remaining the same once the baby is here.

I was very lucky that my SCs were happy when they found out we were expecting a baby, but I was very prepared for them not to be.

I can see how it feels really hurtful though, personally I'd just try and steer clear of her a bit until the baby comes. Just be civil and don't try anything more, it's really on your other half to try and manage her emotions over this.

OP, one thing you can do is talk to your partner and tell him to stop living in denial that everything is all happy happy here. He's got to face that his daughter has a lot of negative feelings about a new baby and ignoring it won't make it go away.

What if you position it that she's going to be a big sister and focus on that, maybe even (after speaking with her birth mother) suggest she comes round more because her little sibling is going to miss her when she's not around, get her to think of the things they'll do together, write letters from the baby, get a present from baby to her, arrange for pictures of the four of you, or little trinkets showing you're a family of four not a family of three etc.

Comments like this is exactly what I mean OP.

I think you can request it somehow on your original post? I've not done it before but it deffo can be done.

Presumably they live with you? They therefore have a stable relationship with you and are confident of your continued involvement in their lives.

This child sees her father 2/14 days 😳

They barely have a relationship already and now he will live full time with a new child.

Babies need a lot of focus. Her fears are understandable. She will no longer be his sole priority - if she even currently is. It isn’t in her best interest to have a new sibling and she recognises that.

Oh, one big thing: don't use her as a babysitter for having date nights when she has so little time with her dad as is.

She is fretting. You will all have something in common that she does not as a new family and she is scared of losing things

all behaviour is a communication

Well they come up on the main home page and they’re always awful and toxic about the kids (usually written in a “nice” way) I’m sorry I have eyeballs.

Print this reply out a s stick it to the freezer, @Newmum0207

It’s very accurate and to the point.

My son was 12 when his dad’s third partner after our divorce announced she was pregnant.

He saw even less of his dad and it definitely affected him adversely in feeling second best.

It’s crucial that her dad makes time for her.

That poor kid. She is not 13 going on 30 - stop thinking like that. She's a young girl who's had to cope with so much so young.

Her brain is in the process of forming, just as your own baby's is. Start seeing her as she IS, both of you - 13.

Consider it from her child's eye view. Her father is no longer a regular part of her life.

She may also have formed a bond and a relationship with his ex - and saw her vanish from her life. Might she be sad about that loss?

Now here's another woman taking her father's limited attention, and there'll soon be a baby taking more.

And the snotty behaviour to you could be armour, because she may be reluctant to bond too readily with you - in case you vanish too? Because this is all she's ever known. People leaving.

Your partner is being pathetic. He 'doesn't like confrontation'?? Tell him that it's the person whose body is creating an entire new human who gets to avoid confrontation and stress. Not him.

He needs to learn how to parent an adolescent girl, before a second baby comes along.

Stop thinking '13 going on 30'. Think sad, frightened child who needs compassion and guidance from her own parents.

I think all you can do is carry on reassuring her and explain how you think she's going to make the best big sister. I'm guessing she has her own room and that will continue? Could you offer to redecorate her room to ensure she knows she will always be welcome? I would insist that you both start doing something with her that's just your thing and that can continue once the baby is born. Do you have her more during the school holidays? Can you offer extra weekends of she wants and her mum is OK with it. I'm seperated from my DD9's dad and if either of is were to have another child I don't think she would take it well. Mainly because she wouldn't want to share us but also because the baby would have something that she hasn't which is parents that are together. I would try and involve her as much as possible but also make sure she knows that she is a priority for both of you.

Believe it or not children can feel unseen when ALL their behaviours aren’t acknowledged. She needs her dad or both of you to acknowledge her acting out or whatever you want to call it. So it won’t harm her but make her feel safe so discuss her behaviour with her.

all relates to boundaries and recognition of her as a whole

I think it’s a really good idea to decorate a room or so something similar that reiterates to her she’s there to stay and has her place