My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

What twaddle. I’ve been a step mum for 30 years. I’ve always had a great relationship with my step daughter and she was thrilled and excited when each of her siblings came along. It’s not ALWAYS messy for goodness sake 🙄

I am a step mum and my 14 year old DSD was very worried about being replaced by our baby. She wasn't off with me but was very insecure and needed re-assurance. When our DS arrived she fell in love with him and 10 years later they are so close even though she no longer lives at home with us. Their relationship (and ours) is great. You just need to reassure and try not to stop anything your DH does with her one to one, before or after the baby is born.

Your h and ILs behaviour is very concerning. Wtf telling a female family member that a girl should be sent back? Who does that ? Your ILs are setting up a situation where they are admitting that they’d love a boy baby over sd!
You are clearly doing as much as you can but I can see why sd is being rude to ILs and her dad. They aren’t noticing her any more and she’s a human being who is allowed to wobble about a situation that she’s unsure about. It sounds like ILs and your h are being OTT about baby in sd’s company and it might be best to keep the excitement to when sd isn’t around. Is your h telling his parents to zip it when they say awful things like return the baby or it’s a girl ? What do you think about that comment? There’s a 50% chance that the baby is a girl and if it’s a boy, they are adding to the list of people prioritised over sd.
It looks like sd is 100% reasonable to worry about the baby when she’s clearly putting on an act to save his feelings. That’s a sign that she’s not securely attached to her dad compared to you. If he doesn’t become more sensitive then he risks creating a massive problem with her- don’t forget that she’s an age where a judge would allow her not to visit a parent if that’s what she chooses.
At the end of the day even mothers who planned their babies can have a “What have I done?” phase of pregnancy. (There’s LOADS of threads like that on here where they needed reassurance ) Keep talking to sd and don’t judge any wobbles. Her fears will hopefully disappear once she’s reassured that her life doesn’t have to radically change because of the baby and that she’s loved as much as the baby.

I'm a SM & my DH is a SF to my DD. We also have kids together. Both our kids were teens when we had our first together.

What alot of BP & SP want to pretend is that blended families aren't shit for the existing kids. When in actual fact the majority of the time, while yes it impacts all the kids it's them that it is most shit for.

My dd loved her SF until we got married then had a baby. Her father had been with her SM years when that happened. And all hell broke loose. Hormones, buried resentment and onset of puberty blew the roof of the house.

She hated all of us equally or differently at times because she resented that she was so different. She hated switching between homes but had to, to keep a relationship with her dad. She was furious he lived with a step sibling full time and hated that I had another child with a different father who stayed with me full time. She felt replaced and temporary in both homes.

She hated that her social life, relationship with her extended families was all dictated by which ever parent she was with.

It ended with her in therapy and her dad and I going with her. Her therapist told us one of the most difficult times to introduce a new baby in a blended family unit is in the teen years it's already a transitional time for them, with lots of emotions and poor impulse control.

This gave her a safe space for how she truly felt to come out and be acknowledged. Us the space to understand and us agree how best to move forward.

What are the timelines here OP?

How long have you been with your BF? When were you introduced to his daughter? How long have you been living together?

Ah OP, coupled with some great advice you are (predictably) getting an OTT hard time from some posters.

You talk about having a good relationship with her. Can you have a 1-2-1 conversation with her about it whilst doing something else (nails/baking/art) so it doesn't feel intense and like she's being put on the spot? Plenty of reassurance needed for her and involvement with the baby (if she wants....). Remind her that however she feels about it (even if it's negative) is ok! Lots of compassion and no judgement.

Also the same (in abundance!) is needed from her Dad... lots of 1-2-1 time, lots of reassurance (explicit and implicit) and lots of empathetic listening.

Obviously long term, no family can tolerate rude behaviour but from what you've said she sounds like a decent 13 yr old who has some complicated feelings and it's primarily up to her dad to to give her a safe place to express her feelings and to help her navigate them.

There are lots of people talking about how awful a new baby is in a stepfamily but in some families it can increase the bond as there's a little person who everyone is related to!

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy 💐

The reality is that she already doesn't have a strong bond with a father she sees so rarely. The new baby will be with him full time and she will be pushed further away from him at a time in her life where she is still very vulnerable. As far as I'm concerned any suggestion that this isn't going to happen is just gaslighting and she's not stupid, she knows it - I'm not surprised she's pissed. Also... prepare yourself to dislike her more and more when your baby gets here. It seems nigh on universal that all step mothers love their step kids until they have their own kids. Look at the step parent threads on here. It seems to be a very natural feeling and just another reason why 'blended' families don't work when step children are involved.

@Hayley1256
thank you!
she definitely does any that won’t change! She wants a bigger bed so we have been looking for that which I’m hoping will make her feel more stable. These are great suggestions
Yes we have her for half of the 6 weeks holidays
We haven’t discussed additional weekends with her BM but I think that’s also a great idea.
Thank you for being kind and helpful and not completely shooting me down!
I think I’ve been taking the wrong approach by avoiding the discussions as I was worried about upsetting or causing her more worry. But actually on the flip side it could also make her feel not included.

You're the adult. Act like one.

I want to see if your attitude is to your own child / children when they're 13. Will you accept that they are 13 and struggling with puberty and God knows what else. Maybe your step daughter will be getting married and wants your children to wear a specific dress for her wedding.

If they don't like it will you refer to them as '13 going on 30' or will you accept that they have their own feelings and interests and upsets?

What's brilliant here is that you and your DD's Dad were on the same page about how to deal with the situation. I can't tell you how many times I've heard Stepmums desperate to help their stepkids into therapy but the children's bio mother refuses.

I hope your DD is doing well now x

Any 13yo would struggle with the idea of a new baby.
The fact that this is a child who doesn’t live with her dad FT makes it even worse.

She is absolutely going to feel put out and worried about the new baby.

Obviously this wasn’t planned and so I’m by no means blaming you but it couldn’t have happened at a worse age.

But she will come around.

Does she have any siblings?
And does DH have a good relationship with his ex?

Right now you and DH need to show her lots of love and affection, to prove that you don’t love the baby more.
She is probably going to be a pain in the ass and it’s ok to call her out on it but you and DH need to come from a place of understanding.

Imagine if you found out DH had a secret child or cheated and the OWs pregnant and there’s a chance he’s going to leave you for her.
That’s how it feels in her mind.

I’m not sure when you told her but it’s going to take a couple months to sink in.

I think DH speaking to her mum about it may help and him being honest with you so you can work together to help her.

@thestepmumspacepodcast
Newbie error! I’ve tried to move it but don’t think I’d be able to figure it out if someone offered me £1m to do so ha!

thank you so much for your support and your advice.

It’s by no means a smooth ride and I didn’t naively think it would ever be, but there is also no handbook to step parenting so it’s trying to learn and improve everytime we face something new for all of us.

thank you again

I think that you need to accept that whilst your pregnancy is good news for you and your partner, it's not that simple for your stepdaughter.

It's scary, confusing, exciting, and overwhelming news that will change her life. And she got no say in any of it.

She will have a half sibling living full time with her dad whilst she comes and goes. Her stepmum will now have a child of her own, a baby that will take up lots of time and attention. And she doesn't know what any of that means for her place in the family.

Your stepdaughter is 13, she doesn't have the emotional maturity to work through her feelings and worries, so she acts out.

Keep reassuring her, don't plaster loads about your pregnancy on social media. But most importantly, make sure that she when the baby is here she feels included in the family unit and still gets 1:1 time with her dad.

Report the second post on the thread and in the text box ask for it to be moved to step parents

I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh. I was coming from my own experience where my mum found a new husband and had a baby a year after my dad died when I was 13 and I hated it. I still have jibes made at me now at 35 about how difficult I was to live with and be with at that time. Until I spelled it out to my mum respectfully and recently;
I had grief of my dad
Grief my mum had moved on
Grief her new partner was in our house all the time
Grief about the baby
And puberty hormones

All I needed was some grace

@Chuchoter
thank you for your helpful response! I definitely think the bedroom idea is a great idea

You sound lovely. The fact that you care shows through everything you've said. The fact that you're looking for advice shows you will always have your SD's back.
I wish my SD showed just a fraction of what you've shown.
Good luck to you and just keep doing what you're already doing.

100% this. Your SD needs unconditional love and care. Her behavior is typical of someone who is worried about being sidelined and rejected. You are the adult and need to put your SD's needs first
Congratulations on your new baby

Your stepdaughter is acting natural for a 13yr old. Remember lots of hormones are raging through her body and she has her dads and your family to deal with too, I’m afraid this is what blended families are like ( even just families in general)

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard. In some ways, it can be better for the child than moving house every few days, which can be extremely unsettling. There is no optimal situatuon when parents divorce. It's rubbish for the kids. You have to do what you can as a parent to make it less rubbish, and what works for your child and the wider family.

OP, you won't get any sympathy on mumsnet as a stepmother. The truth is, this is a very difficult path, and adding a baby to the mix makes it even more difficult. There's no easy path or quick fix, you just have to decide if you can handle the dynamic long term. My advice would be for now to step back from your stepdaughter and focus on the pregnancy and your enjoyment in that, don't let her spoil it. When she acts out, withdraw your attention, go to another room or go out. If she is nice engage and enjoy her, withdraw otherwise. If she continues to be nasty, spend her weekends doing your own thing, go and stay with friends. Hand responsibility for her behaviour to your partner, because he is the parent and you are not. It is not your responsibility to make your stepchild feel loved by her dad, that's her dad's job.

In an ideal world you would decide together on the rules in your home, the consquences for breaking them and act as a team. In my experience that's not easy when you are not the parent and the dad has guilt and pain over the breakup and their relationship with the child. As I say, no ideal here. With any luck you can work with your partner to set boundaries and all will work out when baby arrives and she loves her sibling. Try to talk to your partner and work out how you are going to manage as a family. Make it clear that it is not a long term option for DSD to act out.

Sounds very normal she wouldn't be to happy .
She sees her dad on average 2 weekends a month. That's nothing really.
And those weekends will probably now revolve around a new baby. Just noway around that really.
He isn't exactly a full time hands on dad is he?
It's nice she is still wanting his attention. Few more years and she will probably resent the lack of time he gave her and hardly see him anyway

Without having read all of the replies, I'm sure most of them are telling you that you're out of line and the SD needs to be put first etc etc, which yes of course, nothing should change for your step daughter, but you are also allowed to be delighted to be having YOUR first child.
Can you involve her more in plans for the baby? Shopping trips maybe, help with names, try and encourage more excitement? If the relationship between your partner and his ex is good, can she encourage a positive narrative about her daughters new half sibling?
Although only slightly similar, when I told my two DDs I was pregnant last year, they were absolutely horrified/disgusted/threatened to move out if a baby came into the house... until they met their wee brother 😀

Why didn't he move to live near his child? Wild horses would not keep me away from my children.

She's 13. Of course she's not happy about her dad, who is barely involved in her life as it is, starting a new family with a new baby he lives with permanently. 13 is a really difficult age where kids need a lot of support and her dad, who already doesn't see her much, has chosen to have a new baby to focus on. Obviously she is upset, feeling sidelined, feeling jealous and insecure. Poor girl.

I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed.

And she's got a stepmum who is already trying to plant the seed of an idea that maybe she shouldn't be around once the baby is here. And he's agreeing??

I feel so, so sorry for her. She just wants her dad to be a proper dad.

@Mangolover123
@Flustration

sorry I’ve been trying to reply to everyone individually but it’s proving harder than I thought I just wanted thank you for your support and advice
I really appreciate it
I have lots to take away and work on x

So you are saying single parents should never have another relationship?