My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

I think that @Vaxtable has given good advice.

The insecurity she feels from her grandparents' perceived preference to her younger cousin is 100% a factor.

She's pushing to see how much she's loved.

Personally, I think you sound fair and reasonable. But you can't fix this. Her dad needs to.

He needs to reassure her. Show her his loved she will always be. How he loves her for who she is. His new bs y will he loved for who they are. There's no competition. But she must start being respectful to the whole family. Because that's normal family behaviour and she's a member of this family.

Your DH needs to step up and parent.

Being thirteen is really hard and I feel really sorry for your SD. I'm not a SM hater, I just have a 13 year old.

My daughter would be horrified at there being a new baby on the scene, and I'm married to her dad!

With your SD she isn't with her dad super regularly, she'll be desperate to maintain that connection with him and now all everyone in her extended family is talking about is this new baby. It'll feel mega weird to her. 13 year olds aren't adults and can't look past the next 5 minutes so won't be able to envisage this future and how it will look.

She's allowed to be unhappy about it and you can't do anything about that. Of course she'll be attention seeking because she desperately wants attention and that's not a negative thing. All her dad (and it mainly needs to be him) can do is lean into showing (not telling) that she's loved, she's his priority and this news doesn't change that.

This

Poor kid. That's a lot for her to take in. She got a lot of emotions she struggling to deal with including jealousy, worried her dad is replacing her and the yuk daddy is having sex and the end of her dream her parents will get back together. Give her time. Imagine you are 13 and your dad is having a baby with his girlfriend and how you would feel....

I have been your SD. Almost 20 years later and I love my half siblings dearly. But my father was very distracted by his new family and too preoccupied to provide much support when I was in high school, sitting important exams etc. In my final year I was told off for studying instead of babysitting my siblings. It’s hard too seeing how much closer my father is to my younger siblings than he was / is to me. I really feel for your stepdaughter. I’m glad my half siblings exist but it did damage an already fragile father daughter relationship.

It's difficult. She's 13 and doesn't see her dad enough anyway. Adding in a "replacement" (in her eyes) who actually lives with her dad is going to put her even further down the line of importance. Add in hormones and family excitement about the baby, I can see why she's feeling out of sorts.
Has her dad actually sat down with her and talked with her properly about all this? About how she feels and how important she is to you all?
With regards to the sulking and dirty looks, I'd just ignore it and carry on as normal, speaking to her and going about your day. Getting upset and cross is only going to make things worse. She needs security and reassurance now, and some understanding. Do you do things together as a pair?

My partner has by no means “binned” his child off for another family. If she is wanted to live here permanently we would let her in with open arms. Not every single dad has forgotten their child. He has a brilliant coparenting relationship with her biological mother, there have never been any issues. He and her biological mother have been split up since she was 3, they both lived in the same city however when they split her mother moved back to her hometown which is 3 hours away. She works full time so also wanted a weekend to spend with her daughter.
My SD is welcome here as much as she wants and has often asked to stay for longer, which I have always welcomed. If she does, my partner is usually at works on those days so she will stay with me.
I agree I need to have more understanding of her feelings of losing her father, as I can only imagine how it could feel. It is no surprise at all she is upset, the problem I have at the moment is her behaviour and how it can be dealt with, without her feeling pushed out or rejected. I completely agree we both have to have more understanding but we also have to live in a house with basic respect.

I was the 13 year old DD myself. It was very hard. You have a broken family unit and now only see your father a couple of times a month. Any teenager (without this going on) is naturally self-centred as they haven’t fully matured yet. Of course she is thinking about how she will potentially feel ousted by a new baby. If it is a girl, she will no longer be her father’s little girl etc. She has teenage hormones and will act up. She doesn’t want to have to think about the new baby all the time as she is trying to manage her emotions which is probably why she is probably trying to change the topic of conversation. You need to be the adult here. She will behave badly at times and will act up whilst she adjusts and the baby is born, however in 4/5 years time she will be an adult with a completely different viewpoint and will have got to know and love the baby/child. I now have an excellent relationship with my half-sibling. You need to be very understanding and patient, and if you are you will have a much happier family unit long-term.

So recognise this for what it is OP. This is a change for all of you.
She's 13, she doesn't particularly want change. She doesn't want to think about her dad and you having sex. She doesn't want to have a baby in the house with all the limitations that will bring (crying, can't do the fun stuff as before etc). She's too young for this to be a non event ie if she was 16 she probably wouldn't care as much as she'd be more focused on friends etc.

So help acknowledge her feelings, don't let DP pretend it's all ok. Say things like "I bet you're worried the baby will cry a lot" or "are you worried the baby will take your room? Don't worry we will put baby in this room" . But normalise it for her, talk about it. Reassure her but don't sweep under carpet so if there's stuff that will change then call it out with her and help come with coping mechanisms.

Same story for me.

It'll be the same story for most of us I'm afraid.

Lots of people on this thread calling us the 'anti blended family cohort' etc, well, ask yourself why?

A lot of us have painful experience but a lot of people don't want to hear the inconvenient truth.

Her dad sees her every other weekend. She is obviously jealous that her dad is going to raise this baby and be with him/her 24/7, where her dad doesn’t do that with her. She’s jealous that the baby is going to take up the already small time that her dad sees her.

So nobody (men or women) can ever move on and have another child if they already have one with someone else?

What about if you're widowed?

Or what about if you're a woman and have a baby and your husband leaves you on your own? You can't move on and be happy and have another baby with someone else?

Absolutely ludicrous comment 😂

Has he spoken to her reassured her told her that he will still make time for her or has he just decided she is fine and ignored her feelings on the matter.

is she treated differently by the in-laws - and why is that? Is the relationship with her mum such that the in laws don’t treat her well.

is the fact that she didn’t mention the grandmother joke about being a girl because she actually doesn’t see it as a joke and a reflection on the fact she is one of many girls and last on the list

in terms of advice NO 13 year old is 13 going on 30 however much they might give that impression. They are highly sensitive and your partner needs to step up and be the Dad she wants him to be rather than burying his head in the sand

No, thankfully, it isn't how a lot of people feel at all. And thank fuck for that.

So nobody (men or women) can ever move on and have another child if they already have one with someone else? What about if you're widowed? Or what about if you're a woman and have a baby and your husband leaves you on your own? You can't move on and be happy and have another baby with someone else? Absolutely ludicrous comment 😂

If it's not in the best interest of the existing children, then, no.

Stepmum of grown up DSDs here: I would definitely recommend your DP spending one on one time with her, maybe taking her out in the week for a pizza or something regularly, basically more contact in between the weekend visits. Something to make her feel valued and less anxious about the new baby changing the dynamic and managing her fears about losing her father's focus. If it's not possible in the week, then spending some solo father daughter time on the visits would be work too. It is after all about her relationship with him, and what she fears losing. There may also be jealousy around the new baby having him there 100% of the time, that would be understandable.

I think it is up to your DP to manage this, and ideally he needs to let DSD know she can tell him anything, bring up any feelings that are difficult around this. I'm sure it would be a great start to acknowledge to her that while you and he are excited, you both understand it is a big change for her and will make her feel all kinds of emotions, which you want to help her with. Bless her for trying to put on a brave face with her 'being silly' remark. It's important to let her know her feelings aren't silly.

OP I think you sound like a caring stepmum who is losing patience with her DSD.

Her reaction is totally understandable, particularly given her treatment by the wider family. She feels like she’s going to lose her dad and be pushed out.

I think one on one time with her dad and more girls days with you will reassure her that she will still be loved and an important part of the family.

communication is THE most important thing here for her. Asking her questions and making her feel part of the process together, just the three of you is extremely important. Ask her if she has any questions, arrange daughter/Dad time on their own and don't react to her behaviour. I had a baby when my DSS was 12 and the thing he admits 20 years later is that he was worried at the time that his Dad wouldnt have enough love to share once the baby was born but he didnt mention anything at the time. I had a chat with him and said that it was the unknown for me too and we would be there for eachother. We proved that they could be a major part and their routine didnt stop because of the baby. Children think selfishly and the reassurance is all they need.

Even if she was both of your DD, at 13 she would be likely to react in a fairly similar way. You have her for roughly 2/14 days so, kindly, pregnancy or no pregnancy you have to cut a lot of slack here.

Speak with your DH and agree a party line where you both tell her that she is loved and valued but rudeness isn’t ok. Try and keep the weekends fun and relaxed and keep the baby talk down to a minimum for now.

If you have another child you will probably have a stroppy toddler to contend with and pregnancy hormones won’t be an excuse for not dealing with it as gracefully as possible. Later down the line you will be glad you all made the effort.

Ridiculous comment.

What if his previous partner (the girl’s Mum) cheated on him or abused him in some way?

That relationship ends, and what, he’s confined to a single life forevermore because he has a child already and we can’t run any risk of upsetting them?

So he's only seen her EOW since she was 3? Realistically that's not much of a relationship. And it's only going to get worse now that there's a new baby.

If my parents had done that, I wouldn't have been born 🤣
I have 4 half siblings, blended family, I was a very happy addition I am told 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️

I appreciate completely why you would. As I have said I am not the perfect step parent, it’s foreign territory for me. But what I was raised in, was a house where I was absolutely allowed to feel what I was feeling, I didn’t have to be happy, I didn’t have to like what was going on but I was not allowed to swear or be disrespectful. That is something I will also hope to provide to my children too. I am just looking for advice on how to maintain a respectful environment and make this a more positive blended family for everyone involved, but for most importantly the children.

@Newmum0207 Do you have her much in the holidays? Would your DH have the time to go over in the week and take her out for a meal? (I appreciate it's a long way away)

Was there ever a discussion about his ex moving so far? Does she facilitate the the travel? Meet halfway?

Why couldn't you find a man who didn't have kids already?

Bit harsh! OP is sounding like she is trying to make the effort. Does having kids mean the guy is forced to never have a relationship ever again in your eyes?

How do you know it wasn't dads idea to have more kids? Or a joint decision? Assuming it was nasty OP coming in and baby trapping the dear old defenseless dad 👨