My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

If it's her house then she does have a right in who can come in and out. If there is a safeguarding issue and her other children could be affected then he will have to arrange another location.

I have 4 children they were never desrepctful to me at the age of 2. How do you treat eachother?

Poor kid!

@Newmum0207 but he isn’t parenting is he. He is blindly going along lalalala everything is fine everything will be alright when the only way that will happen if he steps up and parents his child

to do this he needs to understand that first of all she is 13 and it is a difficult age and that she is getting a new sibling so she is going to have some tricky and difficult emotions to go along with that that he needs to recognise as (a) being ok and (b) something he needs to deal with and try and help her with her insecurities

Either you have an odd notion of respect, or you kids didn’t follow typical developmental patterns. Disrespect (again depending on definition) to developmentally typical at the age of two. And its not effected by “how they treat each other”.

@Newmum0207 You sound lovely. And don't give any attention to some posters telling you your DH is not a good father because he's not having his daughter over more often. They have probably not read the thread where you explain clearly that it's about long distance and DD's wishes. Also, I think some women have some shit experiences with crap dads who don't want to see their DC and therefore tend to see all men in that narrative.

What you can do: Try to make your DSD an ally by telling her how much you will need her when baby is here. Go on about how lucky baby will be to have an older sister who can teach them everything. Ask about her opinions about toys, clothing etc. Tell her how happy you are to have another female around and how lucky your baby is to have her.

If my partner tried to tell me my children weren’t welcome in our house, he’d be the one quickly learning something new about who is and isn’t welcome.

That '13 going on 30' comment also has another effect:

It suggests a glint-eyed resentment; a sense there's another woman taking time and attention away from my man and our baby.

No matter she's 13.

You seem to be seeing her as a rival.

2 year olds don't disrespect their parent they tantrum because they expect their parent to always say yes. From when they are a baby everything is done for them and as they get older they learn they can't always get their way. That's why they call it the terrible two's.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I presume that other poster was simply defining disrespect thus. Semantics!

I am never going to agree that it is acceptable for someone to tell a child they are not welcome in the house THEIR DAD lives in.

Oh for pity's sake, I was making a joke to point out that all children are disrespectful to their parents at times, but most of us realise we can't banish them from the house for it. My two year old disrespects me by ignoring me when I tell her it's time to change her nappy. I don't believe that none of your four children ever ignored you as toddlers.

I've gone through the teenage years and it's not easy. My girls always brought home some sort of drama from school. It's obvious op cares about her SD or she wouldn't be asking for advice. My advice will always be show love and kindness but at the same time don't be a push over. It could take the op a good couple of years to make her sd feel secure. She needs to persevere and eventually her SD will grow out of it.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I can’t see anything wrong in that advice.

My posts are all very centred on the child involved. There are many great step parents out there - women and men who enrich the lives of kids who aren’t theirs biologically. BUT there is a lot of evidence on the potential for harm for step children. “Blending” families is a tricky tricky pursuit. I’m keen to avoid it for my own! And I’m very critical of parents who lose the run of themselves in pursuit of their own happiness and harm the children. BUT! I have nothing but praise and admiration for those step parents who are able to navigate the tricky mess of blended families and enrich and positively impact chn who are not their own biologically.

I am half deaf so half the time I didn't notice their tantrums. I am sure my children felt I was ignoring them. Tbh I don't know why I said anything to begin with I like children I would never give up on a child if they are in my care.

I have learned over the years that not all women are maternal they can just about tolerate their own children. Tolerating someone else's child might be a step too far for them.

@trendingdiscuss she spent 2 weeks over Christmas and she was told at the beginning of November.
So 22 days in total.

Could you address the timeline query OP? How long have you been in her life? Living together etc?

It does sound like he can’t be bothered to parent his daughter. He’s just burying his head in the sand and pretending she’s ok. It’s OP that’s putting the work in to make sure she’s adjusting to the baby. Great for OP’s longterm relationship with her DSD, but I worry that there will be lingering resentment that Dad didn’t respond to how she feels.