My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

Prioritising the needs of the children over the desires of the adults in a situation, and expecting the adults who know that child to do the same, is not venomous.

Teach her SD to be an emotionally stunted people pleaser? I don’t think punishing her SD for having natural feelings will help to be honest.

@Newmum0207 I think you're being given a really hard time on this thread and I'm not a step mum myself. You sound like a caring person who is just trying to resolve a tricky situation.

@SometimesCalmPerson
I’ve not once said I expect her to be happy and supportive, I’m unsure you’ve read the original post properly. I have merely explained I am not okay with rude or disrespectful behaviour, the same goes for my niece and nephews. I have held my hands up and said I need to try and have more understanding and extend grace. This response is not very educating or helpful. I have kept my home and ears very open to any worries she has, we have sat we have cried we have hugged it out. But it’s a shame that this thread is riddled of people who will only read what they choose to read, and any other details are disregarded.

@schoolmum11 thank you, that was the aim. I have managed to get some really helpful tips and advice so I’ll take the rest of the rubbish if it means I can find something that will help a little.

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard

It's little over 10% of the time. Just because lots of fathers are shite and barely see their children, doesn't make it OK.

I don't go around hurling insults at people on the internet to make myself feel better. Your responding to someone who you know nothing about. She has every right to say who can come in and out of her home. Anyone who enters your home should show respect. Katbum hasn't ostracised her sd yet so what they are doing works for them as a blended family.

The thing that might help is to remember that you’re both a mass of seething hormones - you’re pregnant and she’s going through puberty. It’s a tough combination. My stepdaughter was that age when I was deep in the menopause and I don’t think either of us was entirely sane! Give it time is all I can recommend and cut her some slack.

I hope you can ignore some of the posts that are getting in the way of the essence of your thread which is your SD is feeling insecure, trying to hide it and is at an age where anxiety manifests as moodiness and anger
about her current life situation!
i posted earlier and i hope you can sift through some of the posts here and read all
those who are supporting you in how to calm your SD and ease things going forward.
good luck Op.

She visits to spend time with her dad. There are rules and boundaries and if they aren’t followed to the point it negatively impacts the children who do live here then she wouldn’t be welcome

one of the most disgraceful things I’ve read.

@Fargo79 please, this thread is not a battle of how much is too little time to spend with a child. Every persons situation is different, there are of course dads who will do whatever it takes to have as little responsibility as possible. But that is not the case here.

This is one of those things that you will get when you have your own child. You will look at them not be able to fathom seeing them so little.

I’m a stepmum and I can’t believe your husband actually lets you within 100 miles of his kids. My DH and his sister were raised by a stepparent with a very similar attitude to you. Both are in therapy well into their forties.

And yet on every post you’ve mentioned them on this thread , you’ve referred to them as your children.
I wonder why you said “my children” instead of “my relatives” eh? Mystery,

This. And it certainly isn’t fairly standard! Starting point is 50:50 unless there is a reason not to give it. Easily 90% of the blended families I know have 50:50 or very close.

She has every right to say who can come in and out of her home.

No she doesn't. Not about the people who are the children of adults who are living in that home with her.

My two year old shows an alarming lack of respect for me at times; would it be acceptable for me to tell her she can't come into my home? Would it be acceptable when she's 13? Or is it only dads who have remarried who are allowed to neglect their basic parental duties by allowing their wives to treat their children like strangers?

@Fluufer i can absolutely understand your point. But I also live with my partner and see the other side of a man that will do everything and anything and bend over backwards to ensure he gets contact with his daughter. If it was not agreed for him to see her more unfortunately it’s a difficult time to now try and change that, along with having a teenager who has friends and a social life and also wants to see them at the weekend outside of school. This ‘every dad must be bad because “how could he possibly not be seeing her as often”’ argument is really unhelpful and there are so many more factors, especially when long distance is involved. He has drive to and from to pick her up and drop her off on weekends her mum couldn’t afford to, to ensure he got to spend time with his daughter and wouldn’t think twice about it.

I know you said in your previous posts that your SD's mum moved hours away, so I do understand there's not too much you can do about it. I wouldn't even dream about moving away from the area both me and my daughter's dad live in, partly because we do 50/50.

But EOW really isn't much time for her to spend with her dad, so you need to understand that and take it into account when you're thinking about how she's acting. I hope you can get to a point where you're all happy.

All due respect, but he's had 10 years to try and see her more. You may think he's doing his best, seeing her as much as possible, but plainly, he isn't and hasn't been.

The op is having a baby she can't go back in time to stop the pregnancy. Should the op allow her SD to continue with the attitude?
They do need to talk more and include her in everything they do. Involving her will help her accept what is happening and hopefully she will fall in love with her new baby sibling.

He's going to be seeing his new baby every day, and his other child every second weekend
No wonder she's insecure.

Yeah I can see that you aren't comfortable discussing his shortcomings as a father. Interesting that you don't mind the people discussing it who are married to similar men and defending this kind of low contact.

EOW is not parenting.

Edited to add, it's only being discussed at all because it's directly relevant to the reaction of his daughter which is the whole point of your thread.

Pretty much sums it up.

It’s not the step parents who are the problem… it’s the parents.

Im a step child. My mother divorced my deadbeat dad when I was about 7. She met my step father when I was 9. They moved at a glacial speed. I became aware of his existence when I was about 11. She asked, when I was 13, if I’d have a problem with her remarrying. she stated then and there that there’d be no more kids.

It must have been hard for my step father… it was really obvious that he had zero say over my behaviour. The odd time he’d interject, she would firmly tell him that the conversation was between me and her.

My mom is not a typical example. She was the higher earner, was totally independent financially. My step father was not typical either. He was completely fine with this. He adored me. We had a fabulous relationship. But he seemed to really get that even in that context, I could easily feel like the outsider, so he - like my mother - accepted that I was the priority and he was second fiddle. It must have been tough. But it worked. It worked because my step father was not an “equal” to my mother in his own house. And he graciously accepted this. He’s dead now. One of my very favourite people. I adored him anyway. But I especially adore him now I’m a parent.

The problem is the parent! They prioritise themselves and risk damaging their first children by doing so. They say to themselves “I deserve to be happy”. And off they go, to pursue that happiness. And sometimes that works. The OP seems like a lovely step parent. I genuinely hope it works for her and her step child. My life was enriched because of my step father. But often it doesn’t work. And when it doesn’t it’s the parents fault. But often - when it becomes obvious that blended isn’t working for the first children - it’s too late… there are more children involved who have needs etc. Then “step” mothers prioritise their own children and view the firsts as “their partners relatives”.

I’ve had this chat with my dh (though I’m aware words are meaningless). We’ve both agreed our chn together will be the only chn we have. Based on a recent mn thread where a first was made feel totally unwelcome in her fathers house and her fathers will had been changed to her detriment, we have both met w our solicitor to change our wills.

I can’t guarantee that this phenomenon won’t affect my kid, but I can try my best. I brought these kids into the world. They deserve for me to prioritise their happiness. I do not deserve to sacrifice their happiness in the pursuit of my own.

I’ve also called my stepchildren my stepchildren? I call my mother in law mother in law but she’s still my husband’s relative!