My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed.

I lost any sympathy for you at this sentence. She's been a bit rude. She's a teenager. It's not like she's shanked you with a toothbrush ffs

Great news that you're pregnant, for you and your DP. Not for your SD. Don't make this about you - have some empathy and consider how you would feel in her shoes - as hard as that clearly is. You've not considered how she might feel at all and neither has her dad. Poor kid.

I have and never would infront of my SD refer to the baby as “our first child together” I was referring to this in a small thread to make it really clear we do not have any other children involved.
The issue with social media is that if I hide her, it then causes further friction from my end or pushing out which is not my intention at all.
I do agree that reassurance and restricted conversation could hopefully help get things on track

I completely feel sorry for her tbh and wonder how biased your account is

If he has a 13 year old then you have a 13 year old. Your 13 year old is feeling neglected and unwanted. What's her situation with her mum?

She's only staying with you every other weekend and is clearly unhappy? Why isn't she with you and her dad more? She's not a baby, it's easy to see your kids at that age, sorry

Every other weekend is barely any time with her dad and even then, she has to share that time with you. Now she'll have to share that teeny, tiny bit of time with a baby too. Poor kid.

Can he not see her more often?

Ridiculous and rather immature comment.

Just wait until your baby is 13 (it'll be unimaginable right now, I'm sure). You'll have this thread to look back on, if you bookmark it. 13, seeing your dad only EOW, divorced parents, at least 2 girlfriends in, and a half-sibling on the way. What a life for a young girl entering her teens.

What's done can't be undone. But you've really hit the jackpot with a man who "doesn't like confrontation" but has set you both on a collision course for exactly that.

Why couldn't you find a man who didn't have kids already?

😂WTF?!

My DH has a daughter and him and his ex separated when she was 4. Was he meant to stay single until she was an adult?!?!

Both my mum and dad moved on after they divorced when I was a kid. Most people do at some point. Are childless people only allowed to be with other childless people in your eyes?!

What a ridiculous comment.

This

This post gives strong 'I'm not going anywhere kid, but you will if you don't behave' vibes, I'm sorry op.

You may consider yourself a new mum but you've been a parent figure in this child's life and should see your situation as such

It is far from “oust”, I have always been very fair, very impartial and never got involved or overstepped boundaries in mine and my step daughters relationship. We’ve had a perfectly normal, fun friendship. She will often come and spend time with me and tell me about things she doesn’t feel she can open up to about with her father. But I don’t think anybody has the time to read through that. So I kept it concise and regarding the issues we are having, I am merely asking for advice from people who are willing to help me. I have never held my hands up to being the perfect step parent, I am in foreign waters but I do my absolute best to make sure everyone on the most part is happy and our household is a warm welcoming environment.

What a stupid thing to say.

What a gross thing to say.

Date, sure. Have kids with, no. Messy.

A lot of kids are unhappy when a parent starts a new family. Given that she has so little time with her dad, it looks like 4 to 6 days a month, can you blame her? She's feeling pushed out by you and now a baby on the way. She has a very part time dad and your child will have a full time one.

You may feel you don't have patience because "hormones" but you're an adult and should have some self control. Basically, you're going to have to suck it up.

Your partner is going to have to step up and spend more time with her, not less, unless he doesn't care about having a relationship with her.

⬆THIS. My thoughts exactly.

It's how a lot of people feel, myself included. I feel very sorry for children whose parents go on to have kids with other people, and think that if the adults really put the kids first, they wouldn't do it.

Given that you've been so involved with her, I'd pull her closer.

Go on another day out and raise again that your worried she won't be happy when baby comes along and really press that you've always been on her side, treated her like a daughter and ask her what you can do to help her. I suspect you may need to do this a few times over the coming months but by being patient and shining a light on it and putting the question on her of "what can I do to support you" I think the message will sink in.

I say this every time. Blended families do not work for the children, only for the adults.

Adults generally put themselves first, not the original children. It really makes me cross.

Do you really think a half sibling is in her best interests?

You haven't answered why she doesn't see him much - is that something you could change, to maybe make her feel more secure?

I get what people are saying, she is absolutely allowed to have these feelings but she can't keep expressing them in this way. It's not ok for her to treat people like this.

It was a vile comment! the anti blended families cohort out with their nastiness as always instead of the advice OP asked for.

I completely agree. I would never ever do it. I think it is so selfish.

You need to be the grown ups here. Her dad needs to step up and see her more, reassure her that she isn't being replaced. He shouldn't be having more children when he is hardly parenting the one he has - he needs to step up big time.
And you need to stop posting baby on social media - it's upsetting her and it's entirely unnecessary.
None of her behaviour sounds unusual for a 13 at the best of times. A few rude comments? Just ignore it, she'll stop if she doesn't get a reaction.

"she is definitely 13 going on 30".

No she isn't. No 13 year old is. That's a fatuous assertion and something you won't be saying when your child is 13. It's a terrible age for both girls and boys with puberty, school work ramping up etc. My son had a nervous breakdown at 13 and he is very far from alone. I don't know how you can be oblivious to the absolute anguish and torment her parents' divorce had on her, followed by her father having another relationship and now you - pregnant! She's effectively about to be replaced. Her father will love the baby more, her grandparents will be all over it and she'll be an unloved nothing. Of course she's acting up - jeez.

What the actual fuck????

Are you okay?