My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

Seasoned step-mum here.
She is playing up because she is anxious, this will not go away over night - don't lose sight of that.

Both of you together and separate tell her you love her, tell her again and again.
A 13 year old is going to give you attitude and the cold shoulder - don't take it personally.

Tell her how excited you are about the baby, a brother/sister for her. Tell he how lucky you are to have her in your life and if this baby turned out to be a girl you would be delighted, all girls together. If it is a boy that would be great also.

Tell her again and again. Involve her, every time you do something for the baby do something for her.

It is not a sprint but you are in it for the long haul. You just need to keep on reaffirming the positives. Good luck hopefully you all benefit form a little one being in your lives.

Not sure if it’s been suggested yet, but could you involve her and make her see that having a baby wouldn’t be a bad thing?

Go shopping for baby clothes together, look at cots, talk about names she thinks are nice, let her feel the kicks when they start, get her a copy of the scan photos.

What did you think it would be like when you starting seeing a man with teenage kids? If your partner genuinely thought his teenage daughter would be over the moon that her Dad is having another baby with someone other than her mother he must be thick as shit.

Your hormones are raging? Yeah hers are too.

She's only 13. She can be happy/excited about the baby AND be worried/jealous. In fact, I'd be amazed if any 13-year-old wasn't both of those things.

Her reaction seems pretty normal and I think you're being pretty unrealistic to expect any 13-year-old to act maturely about this. It's a huge, huge thing for her. She doesn't see much of her dad, and now another child is going to be with him all the time. Surely you can see why she's in a bit of a conflicted state about it? You're the adult, she's the child.

Your own kid will be stroppy, rude and all over the place emotionally when he/she is 13 too, by the way.

People are anti blended family for good reason. It’s bad for children. Have you actually looked at the stats of life outcomes for kids who grow up in these messy blended families?

I think it’s common for teens to be wary of pregnancy because it reminds them that their parent has sex and that’s gross in their minds.

There’s also a lot of films, tv programmes etc where the parent changes once a sibling is born and the stepparent becomes mean and prioritises the baby. I’m not saying that you are your partner are like this but it’s a popular cliche in kids content that no wonder she is spooked and nervous.

Time is the only way that you can prove to her that she is still loved as much as pre-baby and that her dad/you will not become mean and prefer the baby. Dad in particular needs to make time for her one on one after the baby is born and reassure her that her position in his heart is secure.

Younger kids (primary age and below) are generally happy about it because any feelings of sibling rivalry/jealousy don’t appear until they see their parents with the baby and are faced with situations like hearing a crying baby, mummy cuddling baby, daddy holding sibling’s hand etc

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have this baby but you and your h were naive to think that it would be like the social media videos and all hooray and smiles. There will probably be lots of online advice on dealing with this situation and in time sd will hopefully settle once she sees how baby affects her life. As she doesn’t see her dad much, hopefully he will be able to continue to centre his time on her and make her feel more secure. Adolescence/puberty is a scary time for many without unknowns like a new sibling.

It is good that she openly admitted her concerns wheb she found out. And you both did your best to reassure her. But her worry hasnt gone away, likely when baby arrives and she realises dad and you still very much there for her then she will be able to be happy, also as she grows to love her new sibling she will see them as more than a possible replacement.

Natural she is upset, expect it will all resolve itself. Ignore behaviour that isnt too bad and dh should correct her if she is being really obnoxious.

I think dad needs to get it out of his head that's she blissfully happy about the baby and actually have a proper chat with her about her feelings and expectations. She needs an opportunity to say what she's worried about openly and be reassured that she still matters.

I have a DSC then I went on to have 2 DC with DH. My advice is:

Have empathy. This pregnancy is unlikely to improve her relationship with her Dad and the overall impact on her life for the next few years is very likely to be negative. It's ok for her to feel sad and worried and mourn that loss.

It is good that she's voiced her concerns to you. It sounds like she is not secure enough in her relationship with her Dad to voice her true feelings to him. I am disappointed on her behalf that he is so quick to accept her on-the-face of it reaction. That's just incredibly lazy parenting.

Centre the family around her, not the baby. I know it's your first child and you imagined it differently, but a baby's needs are very simple compared to a teenager. You're here asking advice on how to improve things for her, so I know you care. You are correct that 'inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention', you just need to ensure that for the few times she is with you she gets even more. You also say 'I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child'. To be frank, nothing she had said or done would put a baby at risk and I hope your partner would never see her behaviour as a reason to avoid seeing her. He sounds like the sort of man who will gravitate towards the easiest option. Protect her. She is your step child and your baby's sister. Don't rely on your lazy DP to do it.

Practically, I would be doing the following:

Make sure your stepdaughter has plans with her Dad (and you too if you're close) for the short, intermediate and long term future. So she always has something in the next few weeks to look forward to, something in the next few months and something in the next year. Things without the baby. This will help her visualise life continuing as normal, particularly after the baby is born.

When the baby is born, engineer lots of time with her and her Dad without the baby. Decamp to your parents for a night with baby so she has her Dad to herself. If the two of you often do things together then take her to the cinema whilst your partner babysits etc. Do things that show her she's still the centre of the family. Yes, she will need to make some sacrifices, but so will the baby - and it's important she sees baby doing that too! That's how it works with siblings!

Cut back on the baby talk around her. She's not excited. Don't force it.

Good luck. If you manage this well you will gain not one but two children. My relationship with my now-adult DSS is incredibly important to me and my life has been infinitely improved by having him in it. Your children will also have their own unique relationship which, if managed well, has the potential to bring joy to both their lives.

So many on here attack the Dad about having more children.
There are mothers out there who reject their existing children that live 75% of the time with them because they have a new baby.
I was 11 when my DB was born, not half brother and I felt very rejected by my parents and jealous in the run up to his birth. I hated that people only wanted to talk about the baby. I think it is a normal feeling when you’ve had your family unit for some time. I have another DB 2 years younger.
However when he was born it was very different and I enjoyed being the very big sister. I took him to his first film when he was 4. I took him to Disneyland Paris when he was 9. He will always be my baby brother in my eyes even though he is almost 40.
Give it some time and involve your DSD but don’t go over the top with it.

It's a bad age for girls. Also, she didn't feel she was getting attention before from other family members and now its all about the baby. You will be in for a rough ride unfortunately.

Tell her she will always be the most important girl in her fathers life and when this baby comes along she will be the most important big sister to this baby. Try and get her involved and tell her she is an important part of this whole process because you are family and she is loved.

Has her BM had much to say? Do you have a good relationship with her? Does DSD live with her?

Thank you for your reply.

I completely take on board that I myself need to have more understanding and have selfishly but not intentionally have been caught up on how it’s been making me feel rather than sucking it up and extending grace.

Of course she is, you are absolutely right.

I did. I grew up in one. My half sister is the best person in the whole world and is still my best friend to this day. When my dad died, we had each other to share our memories and experiences. I will forever be grateful our family extended. Blended families can be beautiful and happy for all concerned, if done right. And OP is asking for advice on doing it right, not asking to be attacked over the existence of her unborn child.

It's solely on her parents to raise her, don't take that on.
Have you mentioned why your boyfriend barely ever parents her? 48 days a year is appalling. He should be solely focused on his child on those few days a month when she visits.

What to say...
I'm 45 and wouldn't want to be in your stepdaughter's shoes.

This is lovely. OP, although I posted above about how difficult I found the arrival of my half siblings, I think this poster is right. There’s so much good advice here from pp about how you can make your DSD feel more secure.

@Newmum0207 the age gap is so big you’ll need to work hard to build their relationship. There’s no real reason she ‘has’ to love her little sister.

A poster on here recently was complaining that the adult son resented his dad bringing the younger child when he was visiting. He wasn’t attached, he wanted to see his dad, didn’t see why he had to see the other child too.

With a 13 yr age gap, the baby won’t remember her sister ever living at home. The older child is likely to be away doing their own thing when the baby starts secondary school. They are at risk of being totally irrelevant to each other if you and her dad don’t make some serious effort.

It's a terrible age for her to suddenly have a new half sibling that gets to live with her dad full time. Poor child. You're going to have to be kind to her for years and years and tbh she's still going to end up unhappy and with some fractured relationships out of this. Imagine being 20 and your dad is at home raising his 7 year old full time when you barely saw him (every other weekend is incredibly weak parenting). It's going to hurt her forever. The least you can do is just give her space to feel her feelings and try not to push her even further away.

look at it this way OP she sees her dad 4 days a month which she has to share with you and now a baby.

before she at least knew she was his only child, now she has to compete with a new baby he's sees everyday. She will be feeling massively insecure and worried about her standing with him, whether he will forget about her, love her less etc.

He does need to cut the rudeness and ignoring at the root as that is not okay, but that has to be coupled with reassuring and quality time between them. it is a hard line to toe unfortunately.
He has a teenager. he cannot be afraid of confrontation anymore.

Oh my goodness you are ONE PERSON. I said look at the statistics. It’s generally bad for kids to have step parents. It’s really not good for kids.

https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/family/parenting/why-children-with-step-parents-are-more-troubled-12765482

Ok but this doesn't help the OP. Fact 1 DH has a daughter. Fact 2 they are having a baby.
Doesn't matter if it was a good or bad idea, it's done now. So telling the OP she shouldn't have done it isn't helpful. She needs to work out how to help DSD not be one of these stats

I am in no way not understanding how and why she feels the way that she does and was not at all what I was trying to say from my post. I was trying to explain the behavioural side of things and get advice on how to keep respect and regain a positive blended family. I am in no way shape or form deluded enough to think this was going to be easy, but I was looking for advice from people who have been through this to understand how I can turn things that are currently very sour around.

Any chance of you guys moving closer so he can see her more? Why has that not happened before now?

Honestly op, what do you mean you have no experience of blended families. You've had a 13 year old in your life, so I'm assuming you have a relationship. I'm sure you've thought about his daughter and her reaction to another child before you became pregnant.

She needs to be valued by both of you. Ideally, equal to your own child. You need to be the adult, that means no excuses about no patience and pregnancy hormones. She's a child who's father has a new relationship and now he's having a new baby. Think if it was you in that position. He needs to reassure her too, and perhaps set aside one to one time with her.

You should ask for this to be moved to the step-parenting forum OP, we are much more sane over there & we can talk about our own experiences of being step parents.

You will get no advice on AIBU about this, they do not like blended families and all the advice they will offer you is that it would be better if your baby didn't exist.