How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

I honestly think it’s a case of being pragmatic - a big wedding is lovely but if it means you can’t move forward with your plans then maybe a small wedding would be equally lovely. I’d be asking your fiancé whether it’s more important to be married or to spend a lot on a dream wedding. I wouldn’t conceive without being married so if you both want children there may need to be compromise.

Childcare is expensive but you have time before you’ll need childcare, time to save, to seek better employment, to look at options in terms of future work patterns. It’s not easy and takes both of you being on the same page and prioritising.

In simple terms you can’t have it all.

you either save to have the big wedding but then you put off having children for even longer or you have the quick registry office wedding and use all the money you would have spent on the expensive wedding to put towards having a child.

Do not have a child without being married. You drastically reduce your rights if you do. Have a small wedding! Then have a baby. Hopefully you will! Saving for a wedding instead of a child doesn’t make sense.

He’d prioritise a big fancy party over a baby?

You have to prioritise what’s more important, a big wedding or having a child sooner.

A wedding is just a contract with a party. You can do the contract part at a minimal cost and you don't have to have the party or a big lavish celebration.

My parents had a registry office wedding, my DGM and another witness off the street, wedding photos in a photo booth in Woolies and a pub lunch. They've been married 40 years

Plenty of people spend ££££ on a wedding and end up divorced a few years after due to money issues.

What is your priority? Children or the party? The contract is the important part to bring you together and give you protections the rest is just extras

Depends if you want to spend on a wedding. We wanted married before babies so we did a simple wedding that didn't cost much.

What kind of expense are you worried about with childcare? You get free hours from 9 months soon I think. It's not that expensive really - my son is nearly 3 he does 3 days a week at nursery which costs me £420 per month (plus government tax free childcare top up) from april with his 30 free hours its going down to about £150.

I think with your diagnosis I'd get on with it, it is a struggle to conceive with endo. Your DH needs to bin off the idea of a big wedding. Just get married quick and cheaply if it's important to you then crack on with the baby making. Maybe spend this year upskilling yourselves to get promotions etc or set up a side hustle too for extra income.

I know I’ve said this to him but he won’t budge 😔

With him saying no to a small wedding, just make sure that he’s not actually saying no to the baby, as he knows you want to be married first.

When someone tells you who they are, listen

He wants to do both. If I said it’s one or the other I do think that he would choose to have a baby. But he is saying we can do both and it will just take longer

Don't have a fancy wedding?
Don't get into debt to do up a house?

You'll get 30 hours childcare from 9 months, tax free childcare. Parents usually have one partner drop some hours.

Also childcare is a temporary cost really, from age 1 ish (or whenever you go back to work post mat leave) til age 3 where is goes down to a very small amount with free hours til they start school. And the free hours start from a younger age soon so really it's such a small temporary cost in the scheme of things. I'm sure you've both got a bit of family help too?

But I’m saying even if we did that, we still can’t afford childcare. I’m asking how people afford it if they don’t have a lot of money

What are you envisaging childcare costs to be??

Virtually everybody with children compromises financially somewhere, regardless of their income. If you are a low income household you would be entitled to some UC support with childcare costs. You can also negotiate with each other and with employers if possible to see if you could both work with some flexibility / reduce hours slightly to minimise childcare - perhaps you could both condense your full time hours into four days.

You have to decide whether you want an expensive wedding more than you want a baby. If DP wants to prioritise a big wedding over a baby and won’t compromise on that then perhaps he isn’t actually the man you need to be with long term or have a family with.

Also sorry to spam your thread but you do just 'make it work' when you have kids, you spend less on all other stuff like your own clothes, nights out etc go, holidays etc go on standby. So you do just somehow make it happen.

How much debt could you have lived with out, did your DP want to go big on that as well? That's a important mismatch to resolve before getting pregnant. As said, you can't have it all. To answer your question, people cut their cloth. Your DP needs to decide if he's prepared to do that. Have you checked out what his expectations would be while you are on ML re paying your share? Sorting out finances post birth is a must. Check out entitlements, you might have a tough two years, but it will get less expensive. You need to ask him if he's telling you what you want to hear, or does he actually want a child. You don't have that much time. You need to prioritise debts over a big unnecessary party.

i know a lot of people with children, all my friends have already had them and colleagues at work and they’re all paying £800 plus a month on childcare and some have had to work part time, which we can’t afford to do

As you want kids, it's crazy IMO to have a big wedding if that means you'll have to save for a few years and put off having children. What if you don't manage to get pregnant? Wouldn't you regret having chosen the big wedding over children? Honestly I'd be putting my foot down with DP over the big wedding.

Being brutal here, there’s absolutely no way I’d save up my hard earned money for a big wedding when it wasn’t what I wanted.

Knowing about endometriosis and the cysts I’d be feeling a bit upset if soon to be DH was more worried about saving for the big day than having a family as a priority.

I was the marriage before children type and we had a smaller wedding, as 2 adults on lower incomes we knew we’d need the extra money for childcare etc

Do not have a big expensive wedding just because that’s what HE wants. You need to compromise

Small house, 2 younger DC have never been abroad, we don't run a car. Oh and we had free childcare when DC were young which was the main thing!

(this was more so I could work PT than afford children per se)

Together 18 years but not married.

You don’t have time to be blunt

if he wants the big wedding and needs to save

then kids may be a later issue

we did the other way so got engaged. Did ivf as that was more important that a wedding and took 5 private to get my only ever bfp

then planned wedding but vivid cancelled it twice due to lockdown. Finally got married 2021

with dd toddling down the aisle

so yes one or other

you could have both if have a small wedding

so again comes down to do you/he want to get married or have a wedding

It sounds like your problem isn't totally your finances, it's your partner's refusal to compromise. I think it's impossible to do it all, I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and we have a house and are engaged, but wedding plans are shelved for the foreseeable future - as that was what's more important for us. Without knowing your finances, it's impossible to say - what's your work mat leave policy? Could shared parenting leave be an option? From this September, the government offer 30 free funded hours (there's some technicalities on how you use this but it does reduce the cost, you have to be earning a certain amount to be eligible but I think it works out about how much minimum wage is monthly, or if you receive benefits) and tax free childcare also helps. Also would your job or your partner's job offer flexi time so you can work compressed hours, meaning you'd have to spend less on nursery? It's hard to figure out but not normally impossible unless you can't reach an agreement with your DP. Good luck!

Absolutely this