How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

He knows you want marriage before a baby, he knows you are on a clock, he knows you can’t afford a big wedding but he won’t accept less - are you sure he’s actually interested in marriage and babies?

1. You don't have the big wedding because you can't afford it.
2. You check out if you might be eligible for benefits post kids.
3. You change when you work - one of you does evenings and weekends to avoid or reduce childcare bill.

4..you pare everything back. The money currently going on debt goes on childcare.

1. You look at extending mortgage to reduce payments
2. Lots of people end up borrowing for childcare then paying back over a longer period.

Or you could do what many of us do, and don’t pay childcare.

one of us works nights 10pm-7am, the other works days 9-5. Ok, so it’s a few years not seeing much of one another during the week and disrupted weekends, but worth it.

It's all well and good him saying "it'll just take longer" when it's not his fertile years he is kicking down the road.

Quick registry office - don't even tell anyone! They'll provide witnesses.

Then ttc. Then at some point you can do the big (pointless) flashy wedding.

Either that or he is future faking you with his wish of the perfect dream wedding (do men even have those?).

Nursery fees for my two DC were considerably higher than my earnings until recently. We used our savings so that I could work, with the aim to further my career in that time. This has now paid off and nursery fees are down and earnings are up. Doing up the house will come next.

We wanted to be married before 1st DC was born so went to the local registry office. We then had a big ‘wedding’ a couple of years later which was very carefully budgeted.

When to sleep though if the night shifter is around for the kids in the daytime?

We saved up for childcare, I think most people do. Worst case there's always remortgage to release immediate finds from equity or take out a loan.

You absolutely do not need a big wedding over a baby.

Life sprang things on us here 😁 in a very joyful and happy way.
The wedding was several years after I think cost around 2 grand, my dress cost 40 in the sale at Fenwick.

We sourced everything second hand for baby and we got absolutely perfect like new stuff because as you will see from here, grannies buy too much and so on.
We got the best brands for prams, moses and even clothes because people buy you loads and you can't use it all. That saved us 100s right there.

Our house again is all second hand, but beautiful furniture.
Paint at reduced prices, no hair stuff.

Babies are very cheap to begin with if you can stay at home.

But it taught me that we splurge and waste so much money as a society.

a) you're definitely right to want to pay off your debts first

b) if he then won't agree to a cheap wedding (doesn't have to be registry office, btw, churches can be equally cheap - I work in a church), walk away. It sounds harsh but you don't want to waste your next 10-15 years on him only to find excuse after excuse to put off getting married. I agree with pps, when he shows you what he's like, pay attention. There's plenty of time for a big celebration later, e.g. 10th anniversary.

c) if you do have the cheap wedding and have children, then yes, children are expensive, especially while you have to pay for childcare. But there are things you can do, depending on your budget and circumstances. I don't want to be too outing, but I've been through periods of working nights while my husband worked days, claiming UC, moving house to be within range of cheaper childcare ... It may be that you really can't afford to have a child, but if you're both working full-time then it should be possible. It depends on your willingness to give up other things and cut your cloth. Not everyone wants that.

oh dear, when you put it like that maybe you’re right

There is an option here which I guess you’re not considering which is to ditch the DP and find a man that also has having children as a priority.

If having the perfect big instagram wedding, which is ultimately one day, is the priority of your current partner, as opposed to having children which is forever, id be really considering if he was the man for me.

OP I would tell DP that you want to go to the registry office and have a large 10 year wedding celebration or an official ceremony later. Whether is actually happens is another question. You don’t need to announce your married but just to protect you both before having kids.

For afford kids; can you condense your hours and work 5 days in 4….saving 1 day of nursery fees but not dropping salary. If your DP does the
same then it’s 3 days of nursery fees only. Or if you can both work 10 days in 9 and take alternate Fridays off. There are ways hopefully to flex your hours to help with the costs. I would look at a nursery near you and see if they have a calculator…I think busy bees have one which is useful to see how if you change days how the price changes.

Doesn't sound like he wants marriage or children. He's future faking to retain the property you've just done up.

"(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)"

It all sounded do-able until this.

Based on your age, and debt and budget, I don't see how these two things can happen.

I'm with you - cheap and cheerful registry office wedding and get on with it.

Depends where they are. I don't think this applies in Scotland? Unless you have absolutely no money, I don't think we qualify for childcare support until they turn 3. The answer to that often seems to be "grandparents," for childcare. But not everyone has parents to do this. It sucks, frankly.

This was what I was going to say - has he actually proposed? Because if not then OP could be back here in another 7 years having neither got married nor had a baby, finding her DP has suddenly had a change of heart.

What about very nice wedding, just fewer people? It doesn't have to be big to be lovely and memorable. Registry office/local church, meal at a favourite restaurant? You could have a separate party in a pub if you wanted to celebrate with more friends/extended family?

I had quite a big wedding and found that I spent half of it saying hello to everyone and then a big chunk saying goodbye to everyone. If I was doing it again, I'd cut the guest list.

Just get married. You do not have to have an expensive wedding, just a handful of people and a meal out.

You should look at the price points of your local nurseries and factor in the new funding that's in place now. Presuming you qualify based on your concerns about not affording it.
Just be aware that 30 or 15 free hours does not mean that you pay nothing for those hours and its only term time.
For example my daughter currently has 30 nursery hours a week (3 days), and gets 15 of those hours funded. But that's split over the whole year rather than just term time. So you get about 11 hours a week funded. The funding doesn't cover extras like food, craft activities etc so we pay a top up for that.
So it basically works out that for 3 days we save 30% with the funded hours rather than the 50% you might expect if you don't realise about the top ups.

But that aside I think your bigger issue is that your partner isn't budging on the big wedding when you are concerned about delaying having a child because of fertility issues. How committed is he really to the relationship/having a child? Is this wedding thing just an excuse to delay things? You need to have an honest and potentially difficult conversation about your plans for the future and priorities.
You could always do a registry wedding first and a big celebration later when financially possible. Some friends of ours did that because their family was living abroad but they wanted to be married before having a baby and then they had a 'wedding' when everyone was able to get together in the same country.
If he's this unwilling to put the wedding aside, I think there might be underlying commitment issues that he's not admitting to.

OP, you sound lovely and very sensible. You're definitely doing the right thing in wanting to be married first 😊

Your partner on the other hand sounds like he might be using stalling / avoidance tactics.

I might be biased (and was very lucky) that me and DH were always on the same page in that we just wanted to be married to each other. But I genuinely don't understand people who come out with the "Oh I so wish we could get married, we love each other soooo much, but we just can't afford it" malarky.

Yes I get some people want the big, white wedding and fair play to those who can afford it and enjoy it! But if you can't, it costs less than £100 at the registry office. So if you're that desperate to be married, there are other options. If you can't possibly fathom not having a huge fanfare, massive fuss and lots of photos for social media then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

@Evangelineee Please be careful. If you end up with a baby and he still doesn't want to get married, you're going to be even more screwed financially....

An alternate viewpoint to every other poster.

To answer the question in your thread title "How do you afford children on low incomes?" :- They scrimp, cut back, make endless compromises and often live stressed, miserable lives. How much do you want children? They aren't compulsory.

Are your outgoings very high? Have you bought and then spent a lot of money doing up quite a nice house / in a nice area?

I think driven by social media a lot of young couples are missing out the 'living in a novel' stage..!

DH and I lived in a 1 bedroom flat in a very dodgy area for a few years. Then a 2 up 2 down with just a bit of basic decorating (no new kitchens / bathrooms / flooring) for years whilst we started our family..

If there's no wiggle room in your budget now have you perhaps overextended with the house?

Plus what everyone else says about wedding costs / childcare is lower now

If I was you I would be deciding what's more important, having a child or a wedding. It could be over 20,000 for a wedding, that money would go a long way in providing clothing, back up savings, baby equipment etc. In terms of childcare you will have 30 hours free childcare from 9 months. I'm not sure of your options with employment but me and DH were able to wriggle hours around so we didn't need full time childcare.
Unless you are a high earner you will get child benefit which is about £20 a week I think. Unless you have expensive tastes in food that would cover the child's food for the week so you wouldn't need to factor that in as an extra expense. Children's clothing can be cheap too, no point in buying designer clothing for them go cover in food, poo and and paint.

How much do you both earn and how much is your mortgage a month and how many years do you have left to pay? I think you’ve done well already buying a house, most of my friends didn’t buy until mid30s and some were in their 40s.

I'm not entirely convinced he wants a baby. He'd be more pragmatic about the wedding, given your age, health and savings timelines, if he was.