How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

In my case, by having 1 child.

I agree with this, if he genuinely wanted to marry you he would be happy with any kind of wedding - especially as a man. You can always do it bigger later, or do a vow renewal or big anniversary party. It's a convenient excuse because he knows it will always stand. Maybe he doesn't want to get married or maybe he doesn't want to have kids - since he knows that one is a barrier to the other for you.

I have friends who are a couple on lower incomes, they work opposite shifts to each other and have parents nearby for emergencies/extra hours here and there. You could also potentially move somewhere cheaper if you're in an expensive area.

But he is the issue, not money. That needs sorting first.

They either wait til they are further along in their careers and save up, or they make compromises elsewhere.

its not a given right. There are lots of things people would like to afford but can’t.

Would you be entitled to free hours? It's 15 hours in term time from 9 months of age, assuming you're in England. Then once they're 3 it goes up to 30 hours.
We aren't on a low income fortunately, but we minimised childcare by arranging our hours flexibly. DH would start work early and I'd drop DD at a childminder, then he'd finish earlier.
Depending on your job, one of you could work shifts when the other one is at home.
And if you claim UC (check using an online calculator if you'd be entitled), then up to 85% of your childcare costs are paid.

We did house then child then wedding. It was absolutely the right choice as we couldn’t afford to do both. Unfortunately having children requires sacrifice all round. I would be looking to move to higher paying roles, retrain or join a company with good benefits. Consider how you can work around each other and what childcare option is best.
It might mean you have to go without things but it’s worth it. If your income is low check out if you can universal credit for childcare costs. Explore the funded hours as each setting applies this differently, explore childminders, tax free childcare and working evenings or weekends

Modern life is anti-family. Cost of living just makes it untenable for so many, hence the massive drop in the birth rate.

Having said that you do have options. Forego the “big wedding” and have a simple courthouse/registry office do. That way you can start putting money aside for childcare/savings to top you up during your maternity leave. You’ll get some allocated hours once your baby is 2 (might need to check this) but yeah you’ll still need savings if you’re back at work and most of yours and your husband’s earnings are swallowed up by childcare. Between you both see if you can work out how much you can save and for how long you’d need to put this aside. It’s doable I think - but only if you forego the expensive wedding, given your timeframe.

I know a few people who have had quick registry office weddings pre kids, then saved for a big official wedding later.

Can you do that?

We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save.

getting married at the registration office is not expensive. You want a wedding you cannot afford. I think you need to have a think what your priorities are.

Sounds like the two of you just don't agree on your priorities with regards to wedding/baby. Maybe you need to reconsider your relationship all together as you don't seem to be on the same page. It's a recipe for a disastrous marriage and not a good situation to bring a baby into imo if you're not agreeing before you've even started.

OP, as this is an anonymous forum, what monthly salary do you both take home after tax, and what are your outgoings?

Just to understand whether it's feasible or not for you to afford childcare.

You get 15 free hours at 9 months now

What do you really want, if it's to be married before conceiving just book a basic registry office wedding with 2 witnesses, you could push it a bit and fit around £1000 have a few guests and dinner in a local restaurant. Weddings don't have to cost much, it's a choice. As for childcare, yes it is expensive and you need to make lifestyle adjustments, but having no debt really helps

Yep, all my friends and I were like this. I know it's good to prepare but if you think too much about it, you may end up never deciding to take the plunge and have kids.

How low is low? It’s worth running your details through a benefits checker with a pretend child and childcare costs as you might get some UC towards it. That plus free hours is a big help. Other than that childminders are usually cheaper than nurseries (and often let you pay for the hours you’re actually using rather than just full day or half day)

We also just don’t spend a lot in other areas. Very cheap secondhand car, holidays to Haven caravan, rarely buy clothes for myself.

So much depends on where you are, too. Lots of posters are saying their kids do 3-4 days a week for 300-400 pounds a month. To me that is WILD. I live in London and our nursery is 95 pounds a day.

Is he using the made up issue of wanting a big wedding,but knowing you will take years to save for it ,as a way of keeping u dangling.
So when you have the money for the big wedding,he comes up with another excuse.
It seems a bit suspicious to me

Ignoring all the wedding stuff, because ultimately as everyone has said, you can't have both (and frankly, if you're on a low income, the idea of having a massive expensive wedding is just nuts - its just a party!)

In terms of affording childcare - assuming you're not on UC, then things that make it more affordable include:

• Looking at different childcare options:
• Childminders are often cheaper than a nursery
• Help from family members
• Reducing your hours (which I appreciate you say you can't afford to do)
• Tax-free childcare - so you get an extra £2 from the government for every £8 you pay in the childcare account.
• Child benefit - around £100 a month
• Saving as hard as you can (or getting rid of debts which will free up more money every month)
• Cutting back on the things you currently buy

Its also worth remember that childcare costs are temporary - your child will be going to school at some point and then the costs drastically reduce (unless you have another child, and then it does prolong it a bit!).

You're overthinking and catastrophising.

Definitely best to be married first so you have more legal protection, especially if you will be decreasing your income more than him when baby comes along.

That said, I wouldn't put off marriage for years at your age and with added endo concerns.

Can't you get married and save for a bit wedding party a few years down the line?

I haven’t RTFT as I don’t have much time. However, not to be a naysayer but I have endometriosis and I’ve ended up unable to conceive naturally. The consultant says this will have been the case since my early 30s (I started trying at 34 and have never fallen pregnant after three years of no contraception). NHS wait times in my area are two years for IVF and we don’t have that kind of time. So we’ve had to shell out £12000 for two rounds of private ivf! One round won’t do as endometriosis has destroyed my egg reserve through inflammation so I need multiple rounds.

In terms of our wedding: We eloped for a grand total of £3000 (including rings, outfits, accommodation, photography, the lot)! I sure am glad we did that given that we’ve had to pump a lot of money into ttc.

IVF works a lot better if one is under 35. For natural conception, you can either conceive or you can’t so age doesn’t matter so much. For IVF, the stimulant drugs work better if you have more eggs. Therefore for IVF, being younger is better as you typically have more eggs. I’m sorry if that sounds ageist but it’s how the drugs work.

So what I’m trying to say is: do not delay trying to conceive! Sadly, it’s likely to be harder and more expensive for you. Save your money for if you need ivf. Maybe elope for cheap and then renew your vows in a decade and have a lavish party then?

I hope you have zero trouble conceiving but I didn’t know I had endo until I was 37 so I wasted loads of time ttc naturally. You know you have endo so it’s best to approach ttc with that in mind.

TBF, it sounds like you’ve overstretched yourself with the house and then a debt related to the house on top of that. Obviously, you can’t go back in time now but that was a bad move IMO.

In your position, I’d try to pay off the debt (unless it will take years), forget a big wedding, and focus on a small wedding and trying to conceive. It really depends how important children are to you. Personally they were very important to me, so we started off small with our house in order to not have massive costs. Could you do the house up and sell it to get something cheaper?

Childcare isn’t that expensive. Why not look into exactly what you’d be entitled to if you had a child?

Shelving the wedding stuff and answering your question, how low an income are you on? Because UC will top up childcare costs if you are on a low income.
But you really do need to look at your outgoings honestly, we found our outgoings reduced (initially!) after having a baby because we weren’t going out all the time.
Also, childcare at the really expensive rate is short term (although it doesn’t feel like it at the time, granted!).

I got married in 2003 - cost us less then a grand, and we had everyone who was important to us attend

We had been together 13 years by time we got around to it. We seriously couldn't see the point of a big wedding, We couldn't see the point of spending money to feed and water a bunch of relatives we never saw , or people we didnt know - the plus ones

So we asked the people who meant something to us, we held the reception in the garden ( Glorious June day ) , got a lot of wine and beer from the cash and carry, hired crockery, glasses and utensils, and got Waitrose to cater.

We even told our guests - no pressies and come as you are

Our wedding was about us, not about flashing cash

Ah I didn’t know this, thank you

Whatever you do I would definitely come off the pill ASAP. I know women in your age group who have really struggled to regulate their cycles after they come off the pill, it would be much better to come off now and use barrier contraception until you’re ready to conceive so your body is ready. And start taking conception vitamins too, they’ll do you good generally and help prepare your body.

A big wedding is just an expensive Day. might be a big thrill to you but realistically it's just another wedding to your guests.

If you want a child and the clock is ticking with possible fertility issues then you have to prioritise that.

What matters more, a big party on one day or living with possible childlessness for the rest of your life.