How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

Did you miss the bit where her partner has said he won't do this? She can hardly drag him down the aisle.

Him saying he wants this big fancy wedding is a red flag. Either he is putting up roadblocks or he is immature/lacks thinking skills. I'm sorry to write this so bluntly, but it's true.

When we were in our 20s, we had very basic income, no savings, unless you count £5 in premium bonds. We had a cheap - less than £40 registry office wedding, I had no engagement ring (and still don't) and my wedding ring was a cheap 9ct small one - again, probably about £40. We got married in clothes we already owned. This was 25 years ago and there has never been a single day either of us regretted the cheap wedding. Initially, we looked at having a "normal" wedding - church, then reception - and the costs (and wait times) were totally unjustifiable and ridiculous. So we did reg office and a meal in the high street for our parents/siblings (less than 10 people total).

Getting married is about the marriage, life and family together. It is not about planning a big bash and spending £££££ that you don't have, or would have to make serious sacrifices to save.

He needs to grow up and face facts and stop living in a child's dream land. It's like me saying I don't want to drive anywhere or take public transport so until someone gets me a helicopter and a helipad on the roof of my house, I won't move forwards in life. It's just nonsensical.

I mean you can get married whenever but if you already have fertility issues that would be my main concern, plus the longer you leave children in general fibroids and cysts etc start to develop and make having children even more difficult so you’re better off having them in your prime than waiting in my opinion, plus the older you are the more stress it puts on your body in general…….

If he wants an expensive wedding then he needs to change gears in his career and get a better paid job to fund it and then to support a family. Is he willing to do so? If not I’d be questioning his motivation.
DC don’t have to be hugely expensive but it is very wise to plan and save for maternity leave etc.
Do either of you have jobs you could potentially move up the career ladder in over the next 5-10 years to make things easier?

I mean this kindly, but he is not the one with the biological clock and endometriosis that might make conceiving even more tricky. Why not have a small registry now and a big dream party for your ten year anniversary.?As for childcare costs, you need to do more research. You will get 30 hours free for 38 weeks of the year, this is a massive saving. You may also be entitled to some benefits that you are not entitled now. Childcare is also tax free so it you actually only pay 80% of the cost.

It's about prioritisation, sacrifice and compromise.

Maybe you need to move to a cheaper area or closer to a family member who might be able to help with childcare.

Maybe DH needs to let go of the idea of a big wedding.

Perhaps there's other areas you can cut back on- hobbies, takeaways, holidays?

Waiting to be financially secure is a choice, but especially with health issues, there's a possibility that if you wait it will never happen.

Argh on app so can't edit

I meant "living in a hovel' not novel.

We had a cheap D.I.Y wedding and it was wonderful I have a friend that spent 30k honestly they were both wonderful and the point is you’re marrying your best friend also no remembers the wedding! 3 years on I hardly remember anything special or worth the 30k wedding my friend agrees. It’s lovely to have a big flash day but honestly it’s a waste of money.

A man at 29 isn’t going to be thinking about (or necessarily understanding) the issues you both might face as a couple putting off kids til much later. He can likely still have kids for years, potentially decades to come. Putting it bluntly, you can’t - or at least it’s a lot less likely. If he thought about that and the consequences, you’d hope he’d shelve the big party plans. I know your wider question is about affording kids generally but even saving £5-10k towards childcare costs (by not having fancy wedding) could really set you up.

I only read the first page but I was shocked people were giving OP a hard time for thinking childcare is expensive. If you have to pay, it absolutely is expensive! I live in a low COL area, but even so, our childcare was up to just under £12k a year by the time our daughter left. For comparison, our mortgage was just over £7k for a year. We used tax free childcare to save £2k, but it was a tough 2 years until she aged out. My husband did extra hours and I had a second WFH job to make it work.
We also didn’t have a big wedding. We wanted a small one anyway, but then Covid happened, which took away any other option.

For OP, I would be concerned that partner prioritising a wedding means he is using it as a way to delay having kids, or is just really immature. It would make me re-evaluate things tbh.

Op your dh is stringing you along. He knows you can’t afford a wedding so he’s using that to stretch out the timetable.

he knows that when you can afford to marry, it will probably be too late to have a child give your medical history

you tell him : if you don’t agree to a small wedding now, I will have to leave you as I can’t afford to wait for kids any longer

to afford kids: you have only one child. you save every penny you can now - strip your pension contributions right back to the minimum. Take a second or third job. Then you go back into debt when the baby arrives due to childcare costs until they are in school.

This is how we did it. And I had a second child 7 years later when our finances improved.

Do not have a child without being married

A lot of people have children without being married. It's 2025.

What is the amount in your mind that you can't live off if you have kids?
I think if you cut back on non essentials you'll find you'll probably be ok.

How many other men do you, or your DP, know who have their hearts set on big weddings? Unless it's common in your particular circle, I'd say it's pretty unusual generally and that therefore he might just be making excuses or stringing you along.

Cheap mortgage, UC top ups, not paying for childcare (few shifts around DH), no holidays.

Why do you need a big wedding? It depends what you want more.

We haven't had a holiday in 5 years (kids are 3 and 8 months), breastfed both which is free vs formula, get most of their clothes from vinted/charity shop/church donated, second baby has had very little new (reused everything from her brother), we also don't want a registry wedding so that means postponing for years until we can save up, and we do park/ friends house visits & walks rather than expensive days out.

As they are so little they honestly are quite cheap and are happy and amused with cardboard boxes & muddy puddles . The teenage years will be when more money is needed.

We had our first child before we got onto the housing ladder. Our second while we were still surrounded by moving boxes. Life isn’t perfect.

I think in your situation I'd talk to him about having a small registry wedding so that you're officially married and plan for a big party separately. That way you might avoid some of the 'wedding price' hike eg A cake is not expensive but a wedding cake is... and/or research getting married abroad. This can sometimes be cheaper but still gives you the amazing wow factor of the day and the photos. You don't have to tell anyone about the registry office part if you don't want.

I would not wait too long for ttc. Having struggled a bit myself, and then having a child and loving being a mother, I would have been resentful and angry if my DH had slowed/reduced my chances here by having a schedule that clashed with my fertility.

The “free hours” is a little bit misleading to be honest. My daughter is 9 months old and will be going 3 days a week once I’m back at work, even with the funded hours our monthly bill is £685. The funding they get from government doesn’t go anywhere near covering the actual cost so there is still a payment to be made, plus you then pay extra for nappies etc. It is cheaper than if you didn’t have the hours but it’s really not as cheap as you would think, they aren’t actually free, rather they’re sort of a reduced price.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

It's not a case of he wants. It is a case of what you both want and if you both priortise children over an expensive wedding or vice vera.

What is more important children for life, or a one day party?

When finances are a constraint something needs to give - kids or party?

Why is a wedding so important to him as it sounds like a no brainer to me if you both want kids - is he delaying getting married as he isn't sure yet (many do), or is it an ego trip/show to family and friends as he likes playing the big host, or delaying having kids as not ready?

Bigger conversations need to be had instead of just wedding or registry office.

The price of your wedding would significantly support maternity leave and/or childcare.

Then your actual problem is that you do not want the same things.
He's 28. He doesn't want marriage and kids as much as you do

We:
-Had a small wedding
-Let the house get run down whilst the kids were in the toddler years - paying mortgage was a priority
-Didn't take any foreign holidays for about 5 or 6 years
-DH got a couple of promotions whilst the babies were really tiny and I wasn't bringing in much
-Had no other debts/loans

All of it was worth it and I would make the same decisions again.

No child is cheap when a nursery is needed. The luxury is living on one income that’s enough! Even without holiday! Having relatives to look after dc for £0 is the ultimate luxury. If you don’t earn much and need childcare, it’s a killer if DH doesn’t earn much either! You either use all your money for childcare or don’t earn, It’s unaffordable whichever way you look at it if DH doesn’t earn enough for all outgoings. Hence our plummeting birth rate!

Well how about having a small registry office wedding, having your family and maybe as your wages increase you could have a full monty wedding vow session with all the trimmings and kids in tow to share the experience.

However as to affording kids, you really need to factor all of this in before you buy your lovely house and if most people sat down and did the maths before having a kid, there would be few children in the world