How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

I’m not being mean but are you 100% sure that your partner actually wants to get married and have kids with you? Having a cheap wedding is a very reasonable thing to suggest in order to move forward but he’s just batting it away. You’re potentially wasting your most fertile years here, don’t let that happen.

We all want things that reality ends up dictating aren't viable. It's not impossible his timeline is doable, but it's risky. Would he consider a 'secret' wedding, just the two of you and some random strangers for witnesses, and you can save up for the show wedding he wants, no one needs to know differently, but then you have the legal protection of marriage during maternity leave or if you drop hours, and he's your next of kin if needed to make decisions during childbirth etc.

I think you both need to seriously consider that holding out for the big wedding could mean children don't happen for you, you're already at a higher chance of needing IVF due to the endo, and in most areas you have to be under 35 to get this on the NHS, and there is a waiting list as well. In some areas you only get one round as well before you have to go private to try again. If you've spent all your savings on a wedding you won't have them to go private. I say this as someone who conceived reasonably easily with endo in my mid and later 20s, 6 months and 9 months to conceive each time, but has tried for baby 3 since I was 32 with only 2 chemicals to show for it, I'm now 40, docs have squarely laid the blame on endo causing more issues as I got older. You could need longer than usual or more intervention to get pregnant, I very much hope you don't but always better to plan for the worse.

In regards to the childcare, as others have said the free hours do make a big difference, but also you can allocate some of your wages to a tax free childcare scheme too if your work offers it which helps as well. Some people have jobs which can be flexible, so end up working compressed hours to save a day of childcare, or one spouse starts early and finishes early, while the other does lates

Yes £2,500 not £25,000pcm (!) - although, you can easily spend £25,000 per year.

Five days in London.

No nurseries locally under £2k now.

That's actually less than I would have thought for London for 5 days a week. You can't compare anywhere else in England to London though. And as an ex-londoner I'd get out whilst you can 😄

@User457788 I'm in a Home Counties commuter town, not even proper 'London' and where DS was full time was £2.2k a month 5 years ago - I've just checked and it's now £1.9k after 15 'funded' hours! £1,750 apparently after 30 funded hours. Insane but the norm for our area and bar moving across the country and away from all family/friends/my job not optional. So yes area dependent it is a huge expense! I've never heard of a nursery as cheap as yours, you are very lucky/must live in a very cheap area.

I've had 2 babies in the past 2 years.
Bought our first home in 2022.
I had a year off on my first maternity leave which was statutory mat pay for 9 months then unpaid for 3.
With the mat pay it just about covered my half of the mortgage and bills and the OH had to pay for the food shopping and any extras himself. My 3 months unpaid I had saved for before hand.
I went back to work and dropped to 2 days a week (from full time) this gave me around the same money I was on during maternity leave as I knew I could survive on it. We're lucky enough to have the grandparents who have our daughter on those 2 days so we don't have to pay for childcare.
I only went back to work for 4 months before starting another maternity leave which I'm currently on and doing the same again.

Paying off debts by the end of 2025 is a massive achievement!! But, if your OH wants the big wedding before a baby, what if you got a loan to cover a wedding and just be in debt for a few more years while you pay it off?

Time isn't on our side as women when it comes to babies, especially with endo added into the mix aswell

Good Luck!

agricultural consultancy 😂

For perspective though I’m not in not in London and for full time we would be paying over £1000 per month, if yours is £420ish for 3 days then yours would likely be what maybe £750-800 for 5 days? It does quickly become unaffordable

I dont, I live in an expensive part of the south coast 😄 all your nurseries sound crazy expensive.

I assume low waged people manage by getting funded hours at nurseries earlier than higher waged people. You’ll get child benefit and free hours from 9 months old I think? Are you on universal credit? That’s extra money. There should be benefits calculators or a citizens advice bureau or other helpline you can ring/contact for advice. Any trusted family who could childmind for you a day a week etc?

Tell your DP you want a quiet registry office wedding asap - you can’t wait because you have endo. You can always do a big party in a few years when you’re better off.

You must have one hell of a job, good bank of Mum and Dad or an inheritance or lottery win!

Marry before you have a child. It really is important for women not to pander to men who have 'wish lists' of a perfect day. Your wedding day will be perfect regardless.

Protect yourself. Once you have a child the impetus falls away for many men.

In your situation I would start trying for a baby soon, you don’t know how long it’s going to take. As pp have said you will get 30 free hours childcare which makes it a lot more affordable.

Try to compromise...registry office wedding now and reception at a later date night work.

As for childcare and the cost. You manage it. Dc1 was unexpected, we didn't own a house and had some debt, not much circa 5k.
We paid off the debt and saved like mad while I was pregnant. Didn't go abroad for a holiday, no take out, made clothes last and batch cooking.

We bought a house when dc was 1 and I went back to work full time after 39 weeks mat leave. We couldn't afford for me to take the year. 4 days nursery. I worked a Saturday and H didn't so that did help. He also works ft. I also had a £4.5k per year commute.

We had no free hours until dc was 3 and then the 30hrs kicked in.

We were frugal. Meal planning, switched and kept on top of energy prices, spent the bare minimum on make up, clothes, hair etc . Took lunch to work. Ate simple meals.
We were able to do a couple of uk holidays, ate out on the very rare occasion and had the bottle of wine.

It was tight, and our lifestyle changed massively. We did things like cancel both of gym memberships, cancelled sky and only kept one subscription, walked everywhere rather use the car when we could, free baby groups and library classes, picnics and walks for days out. But it's only for a short period of time. It comes down to how badly you want to make it work.

Second dc and we were in a much better position financially, I took the full year mat leave and went back part time. Still paying for childcare but only two days and enjoying the 15hrs supplement.

It can be done and it can even be done without using universal credit. We both do not have big wages and we live in Surrey. It's about making sacrifices. We also didn't have any family help.

He's leading you well up the garden path.

Wait years to save for a wedding. Then years to save for childcare...

He's timing you out of kids.

Cheap marriage, save wedding money for childcare and just crack on with a child. You'll figure it out. You will either stay home til free childcare kicks in or work around the other person's hours.

But fgs get married first or kick him to the kerb. He definitely won't marry you if you have a baby first because you'll be able to "claim half his stuff".

We had a registry office wedding with 6 people. May be a bit extreme but we were married. It’s not how you get married it is who you marry. Is a big party really important and who is it for?
Regards having children, we ran an old car, didn’t go out and didn’t have holidays. I made most of my clothes and bought the children’s clothes in charity shops and in our local Nearly Used Sale. Cot from friend A and pushchair from B. Carrycot from C. Cot bedding made out of our old sheets. Toys from charity shops and books from library.

In 2025, unmarried women are often completely shafted when their relationship fails. Marriage provides financial protection.

Well, as everyone says, a wedding only costs a few hundred pounds, so that's easy.
But, ultimately, if you can't afford to have children then you don't have them - it's obvious. There is no automatic right to have children, and it's good to know, OP, that you are giving careful consideration to the financial aspect..

@LoveLifeBeHappy Look at the law. It’s very much weighted towards married women. It’s utterly foolish not to marry. Any lawyer will confirm this.

What if he doesn't work, or have any assets i.e. a house - what financial protection will she get?

What if her aunt is an alpaca?

Based on personal experience, I know several families where the partners aren't married. However, the women in these families earn salaries exceeding £100,000, so I don't believe finances would be a concern.

You do it and make it work. Like parents have for generations

Just got home from work and read all of the replies. thanks everyone

yes I am sure that DP wants marriage and kids. He always has done whereas I never have up until the past few years. We almost broke up over it a few times because i was adamant that I didn’t want those things and he was adamants that he does. He didn’t leave because he thought I would change my mind eventually (and turns out I did). If he wasn’t interested, he would’ve just told me when I said I didn’t want that.

But thanks for the replies everyone, it is helpful

@LoveLifeBeHappy Look st all the women here who are working part time! I know some people earn a lot, I have a DD family barrister who does, but guess what, poorer people, as being described on this thread, are utter fools not to marry. My DD could afford child care or a nanny. She has her own property. She could afford a big wedding. However most women cannot. So they should be advised to marry before they drop their incomes and don’t have any share in a property. It’s important for the majority of women who find themselves financially shafted.