How do you afford children on low incomes?

[Evangelineee]

DP and I have been together for almost 7 years. We aren’t married and don’t have any children, however we would like both. We own a house and have debts that we used to do the house up. This year we are focusing on paying the debt off so that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

I will be turning 32 this summer and DP will be turning 29. We would like to get married before having a child but we don’t really have much money so would take us a few years to save. That would put me mid 30s. However, the problem is, childcare is so expensive that we simply don’t have the money. I wouldn’t be able to not work because we can’t live on only one wage, we need two. I can’t work out how we could ever do it. Due to time (and because I have endometriosis which I have had two surgeries for so far, during one of them a big cyst had formed on my ovary) it might make better sense to have a baby before marriage but again, can’t afford it, and we absolutely would then never be able to save for a wedding because we’d have no spare money.

We aren’t the type of people to just do something and figure it out later. Especially something as big as this. So we would only try for a baby if we knew we could afford it. So I just feel like we will never get the chance.

I don’t know what I am asking for here really, maybe just other peoples experiences on how you’ve done it if you are a low income family? I am close with the family but everyone works full time so that wouldn’t be an option.

(just as a side note, I would be happy with to a cheap registry office wedding but DP refuses. he is the one that has a dream wedding and is very excited to do it one day. I have suggested a cheap and cheerful wedding many times but he says no)

In all honesty, it’s me who has said I want to be married first. In a moment of weakness a few weeks ago I said should we try to get pregnant first, should I come off the pill now? He yeah he would be fine with that. However I snapped out of it and said no. Debts first, then marriage because I hear it said all the time that youre putting yourself at risk having a baby unmarried. It’s just that, I would have a quick cheap wedding and he won’t. If he did say ok let’s go to the registry office, I’m still stuck because I still don’t know if we could afford a baby. But of course I’m not a parent so don’t actually know how doable it is, hence me posting here to hear from people who have the experience

I think you need to dig a bit deeper re: his refusal to budge on the wedding - when he says he's excited to do it "one day" when does he envisage that one day coming?

Realistically, you're on a clock and he's not. It might be straightforward for you to conceive, it might not (and you know already you've got factors that might make a difference) but what definitely won't make it more likely for you to have a successful pregnancy is another few years.

I would worry that it's a convenient barrier and, even completely unconsciously, he may be thinking that he doesn't need to worry about having a baby because there's this wedding that will happen "one day" to come first.

Re: childcare costs, you can research this. Factor in:

• what are your current, non-negotiable fixed monthly costs
• what sort of contributions could you make into a savings account when you start planning to ttc - this can be both a useful savings pot for maternity leave/ongoing costs and also a risk-free way to practice lowering your day-to-day living costs and see what's tolerable to you
• what are known local childcare costs
• tax relief on some childcare payments
• child benefit
• potential flexible working options (for both of you) that might allow you to need less than full time childcare
• Actual take home pay if one or other or both of you worked fewer hours (can be less of a difference than you think after tax/NI taken into account)

EDIT: cross posted with you. I didn't realise you had debt. Obviously don't save when you have debts that need to be paid out, but the principle is the same - how much could you afford to clear a month rather than save a month.

It sounds OP like you have attached yourself to Mr champagne lifestyle, beer money wages- why is this? Does he come from a family where they didn't have much and he likes to 'show off' so others can think 'he's doing well' -? Or maybe a comfortably well off family where he feels a need to 'keep up with others' -? It never ever bodes well if you aren't on the same page longer term. It's perfectly doable- simple but classy wedding - best ones I've been to were like this - register office, 30 people in nice restaurant, everyone chatting etc . From this year free childcare hours are increasing, making this much easier, a lot of jobs have 6 to 9 months maternity leave and by that point you are into free hours- if you aren't in a job like that, concentrate on finding one that is. Are you sharing incomes? If not you shouldn't fall into the trap that any childcare costs are all out your income etc - most of all though I would be making it clear no wedding, no baby - however I would also be asking the hard stuff before getting married-

We managed it by adjusting our hours. DH did full time over 4 days, his job is mainly wfh so this was doable, and he did childcare 1 day. I did 4 days hours over 3 days (with a few hours worked flexibily while DD was sleeping) . So we had 2 nearly full incomes whilst paying for 2 days nursery - most nurseries full day is 7.30 until 6, so it makes sense to do as many hours as you can within this time.

DH was lucky to have a very accommodating manager. Mine was less so initially and rejected my flexible working request. I knew my value to the team, and stated 'thanks, I think will probably have to resign then', suddenly my request was accommodated. I was super flexible in everything but my hours, took on stuff others were not keen on - I gave flexibility to get flexibility.

So before trying for a baby I made sure I was employment long enough to get enhanced benefits, so look at what your company currently does and think about moving to secure better benefits?

I saved up for a year before having mat leave and so did the full year off, I also worked out what was more financially beneficial to go back part or full time (for me over so many hrs I would inccur tax/ni/student loan/pension etc so my actually take home pay per hr was less than my nursery costs.

My SIL actually trained and registered as a childminder so she could earn whilst caring for her own little one. Another friend went to school work (TA/admin) so nursery/school holidays weren't an issue.

Don't fall into the trap of having to buy everything and everything new, I would always buy a new long term car seat c£500-600 which will last years (make sure your car insurance has no limit on replacement)

Then a new matress for a crib and pram bassinet

Everything else I'd buy second hand

When it comes to gifts ask for practical items not a 1000 muslins

I would compromise have a simple registry office wedding and then perhaps a party once little one is here?

but yes I would save more for a baby than I would a wedding

Good luck with your decision x

I went to two weddings one summer about 10-12 years ago. One was a £100k+ wedding at a very posh hotel in central London they were divorced in 6 months. Turns out the bride wanted a party from her rich daddy, but wasn’t too worried about marriage.
At the other wedding they were really poor but the community came together for their wedding in the church hall, don’t think they bought more than the dress. They’ve built a wonderful family and are hugely in love.
Which was the better wedding?

OP I really think he is stalling on the marriage aspect.

Without knowing salary, outgoings etc. it is hard to comment on the affordability aspect of having a baby.

DH worked FT days and I worked evenings in a factory, we were short of money but as soon as both children were in school I went back to school hours office job (I did have my retired Dad available for school holiday childcare though), once youngest went to seniors I went back FT hours. It was hard but we got by.

I think the idea that you’re in a race against time for a wedding and baby at 29 is a bit bonkers (meant nicely) - yes, at 39 maybe, possibly even at 34, but you are very very young and have plenty of time for all of this.

In all honesty, it’s me who has said I want to be married first.

And so you should. This website is awash with stories of women who've been left high and dry (with the kids) when their partner decides he no longer wants to live in unmarried bliss and swans off into the middle distance. Marriage will protect you and any offspring, particularly since it's your career that is most likely to take the hit through maternity leave, reduced working hours to enable you to do the household drudgery, support HIS career progression, etc, etc.

You seem like a sensible person. I'm sure you could do a lot better.

I would suggest you get married before babies, but don't spend money on a wedding. You'll regret spending tens of thousands which can be used on your maternity leaves. You are 30 now. Please don't delay when you have a good partner to have babies with.

Could you agree on a big party to celebrate your 10th wedding anniversary?

I’d feel frustrated if I were you. If he’s not listening about the big fancy wedding thing. It sounds quite immature on his part. It’s also your saved up money too and it would pain me to spend money like that on one day.

I’d wonder if he was saying that to put off getting married and having kids

OP is 31, not 29, and has endo which may affect her fertility.

Read the OP properly. She's 32 not 29, and has endometriosis. Given those circumstances she isn't very very young at all neither does she have plenty of time.

Getting married doesn't cost money. Having a wedding costs money. There's a big big difference, and it's all about priorities. You can have a simple ceremony with just immediate family (or nobody at all) very cheaply. The rest is just extra.

I'd bet money he's using the big wedding excuse because he doesn't want to try for a baby (either yet or ever) but doesn't want to admit it.

Anybody who prioritises a one-day party over a child really doesn't want to be a parent, or is too immature to be one.

People on low incomes adapt according to their life choices: if children are at the top of the list, you just need to accept not being able to do other things. And, maybe your child(ren) can't do a flurry of extra-currixular activities etc.
Low income means accepting a simpler way of living if it's going to be a success.

Honestly, compromise. I will have spent 70k on nursery by the time I’m done. 2 kids, 4 year old DS and 1yr old DD. That’s with the funding, 4 days a week. We compromised by not having a big wedding. We haven’t even told anyone we are married, just went and did it. When we have money down the line when we aren’t paying off debt, or 1200 in nursery costs each month then we will have a party. I work full time but over 4 days. I can’t wait until DS starts school and DD goes up to 30hrs funded. I’ll save £800 a month.

Be careful that your DP doesn’t kick it so far down the line that you find it’s too late. I was 37 when we started trying and we had fertility problems. Some of my friends waited too and children now won’t happen for them.

We had the kids, then the registry office (should have done it the other way really but it was only because we accepted that we couldn’t afford the ‘wedding’ that we took the ‘marriage’ as being most important), then the house. Party will probably be in time for our 10th anniversary.

He isn't ready for a baby yet and the big wedding is the easiest way to keep you on the hook.
Don't waste your fertility on this man. I would tell him you need to set a date for a small wedding this summer so you can ttc or you're off.
With regards to affording children, you just do. It might mean major lifestyle changes but the majority of us find a way.

You have on your hands a bona fide future faker who is very likely going to waste all of your fertile years and run off and have a baby within 6 months of leaving you.

Realistically you need to think, is this who I want to be married to. Life will give you far bigger dilemmas than this and far bigger problems. Is this the person you want to be with if your child is born disabled or you lose everything? It sounds like he's a lot less mature than you tbh I'm not saying he's awful leave him, just in a different life stage, so think about what you want.
If you want security than you definitely should get married before having kids. Once those come, and the reality of that is in front of you, he may drag his feet even more with marriage.
Also, trying for a child can take ages and be really tough emotionally, so think about whether this is the person you want to be with for that.

Op is 32 this year

I started ttc at 32. Gave birth at almost 44

took over 10yrs to get preg and many of thousands via private ivf

yes i May be rare but you just don’t know till start ttc

Fair enough re the endometriosis, but I still think the panic is a bit misplaced.

I really wanted to get married before having children but time was ticking on and by the time we'd organised a wedding, had it and tried for a baby I would have been 40. I made the decision to compromise on getting married first - DH knew it was really important to me and we agreed to park the discussion until we had a baby. Different to a lot of people on here i trusted him and knew that it was just timing as opposed to whether I'd get him to agree or not.

We ended up getting married when DS was 11 months old and it was actually lovely having him there at our celebration which I wouldn't have realised before he arrived. I also only agreed to give DS DH surname on the basis that he was serious about getting married soon.

I know this doesn't answer your question about how to fund a child but hopefully helps with what to prioritise first. If you really want children then you will find a way to make it work. If you look at all your outgoings there will be give somewhere and that's before you look at flexible working.